| feb 6, 2002 number two pulse: 68 listening to a song. another lonely day. quite a departure from how I was feeling earlier. a little thought roaming around in my head all day has been controlling everything. I weigh it against everything else. you may understand, you may not. example: today. leaving was necessary but was it worth it? worth missed conversations and...well anything else? obsessive. right, yes, moron. sun box. origami. and so I made a compromise. I left and then left my day to my thoughts. I wondered. I hoped. I remembered. I read and read and read. ah, never been like this. kind of scary. but is this fear worth missing everything else? easy answer. ps - I am sleeping with a girl friday night. ooh la la. ana, tu eres mi amor. 2/9/02 sitting alone, eating microwave potatoes, and forcing my eyes to stay open. a huge departure from Catch, sweet blackberries, and fun with produce. un mirlo blanco I had thought it to be, now it is my life. lying on my side, he on his, I saw myself. somewhere in the expression on his face, the slight curl of his lips, and my outline in his eyes I saw who I am and who I was. I remembered today the girl that I used to be and was comforted by the fact that it is the past. the past is the past and shall remain there never to be revisited. in that case, I am thankful. how I wish to be tasting strawberries again though. 2-10-02 pulse: 76 saws and hammers and screws lay about my life. "this is no way to live!" I yelled at him as I devalued his priorities and questioned his actions. I attacked him as a person, as a provider, and as my father. not a true fight, as I was the only one who cared or was even trying. nevertheless we are skating around each other now, he circling the house and I in my room. I have counted to three and three and three and spoke. six more months until it will all improve. six more months until I will pick up and move. away from what destroys my brain. away from what pushes me away. but also away from...oh time, why must you always be against me? 21102 a last goodbye. could anything be worse? knowing of your last words. knowing of your last glance. knowing of your last kiss. knowing of your last goodbye. makes me think of france. february 12, 2002 you give me that look that's like laughing with liquid in your mouth like your choosing between choking and spitting it all out like your trying to fight gravity on a planet that insists that [ ] is like falling falling is like this standing there, I could feel his breath on my neck every time he laughed. I knew at this moment that out of the entire evening, or day, or week this is what I would remember. 2-15-02 today I should be writing about happiness. or wonder. or delirium. but instead my mind won't stray from one single thought. a memory. I don't know what to make of it, maybe a brooch. it is a scene in my head. no thoughts, just a moving picture. over and over and over I see it. my hands making the same gentle motions, my eyes gazing into that same spot, my body feeling another heart against it. a simple event, not much to it. just hard to believe that it is my memory to have. 2/18/02 I came home, feeling cheery after my hot chocolate and some canciones del verano on the radio. I layed my head down upon the fluffy pillow and fast fell asleep, to sounds of jeff buckley and thoughts of a tsunami. dreams dreams dreams and hours hours hours pass along and I'm not aware. today, I am cold. and sleepy. and I awoke to a previously hidden sight. and I feel something that could be called nothing but heartache I suppose. how long has it been? time moves so slowly that the days aren't worth counting. I remember the days when I would race home just to be with her. just to play with her. just to talk to her. and now I can't even look at her without tears in my eyes and true physical pain in my body, even though they were the first things I thought about when she came into my life. so now I can taste the salt on my lips and the words on the screen are blurred. echo de menos mi perrito. I've stopped askeing questions. and stopped being angry. now I just want to see my friend and take her for a springtime ride in the car like we used to do. please don't leave me wanting more I hope you never die there's no need to say why I miss her. just promise that you'll try to give me all you can I'll never ask for more |