| march 29, 2002 my head is aching. curse these headaches caused by fatigue, caused by frustration, caused by coming down, caused by too many thoughts. too many, they are everywhere. skipping through my head, bouncing off one another, always flying haphazardly about my mind hindering all real thought. just little flitting words...do others think in pictures? I hope so. so I was feeling inspired when I started this. excited I was about writing what I want to write and what I should write and what is right to write and be written. amazing that in the midst of this painful chaos in my head I should attempt such a feat. right temple, relinquish your hold on me. let my head sit straight and my eyes focus. I will ignore you. and so we begin. is he ready for this? the older say no and the younger say of course and the jealous say only me, and the left behind say who the fuck cares. I do. I only hear her voice on the other end of miles and miles of cold wire every now and again but she is happy. and so he is happy. he who should have been happy long ago finally is. rotten eggs have gotten the better of him today. teehee, if I were her I would not laugh but alas I am not, I am little him, so I shall laugh my head off. ouch. the cure. old scotty, you have grown up. if only you could teach your younger on to do so...his time will come and I should never give him thought anyway but he is you in every way so I do. and so his belle has saved him, she has accomplished the task that so many others considered a futile one and so many others failed at. including regretfully myself. sigh. envy. jealousy. fine line between the two...a line that I often cross unknowingly with misplaced steps and ill-thought wishes. I could list them with great fervor but that would dig my hole even deeper so I will just know that I am who I am and cannot be them and that should settle it. so simple yet so out of reach and impossible for closed little mind. so thought provoking, so beautiful, so unique, so wise, so respected, so balanced, so graceful, so crushed, so her. and humble you would not know it if you read my words or my thoughts. if only I went that way...she would have nothing to do with me though. once I was asked if I would date myself. would you? I don't think I would...I'd be too tired to. and then I would make myself that much more tired.. why do I write? is it to be read or to make sense of my thoughts or get out what I cannot say or just to be able to look at my life as a third party...choice e, all of the above. so here I sit with wet hair and anxious fingers trying not to fall. because love is like falling and falling is like this...it is inevitable he must appear even though I was trying to save it. no, it must wait. all I will say is that my life is now in his. I will finish now, it is time to go out and be 18. 4/2/02 that feeling of relief, of relaxation never comes anymore. that comfort of being back at home to be me is gone. is it possible to better with someone than on your own? exactly what I feared...relying on someone else, being jealous of him when he is alone, envying those with him. this place that I have come to fear the most though is where I wish to spend all my afternoons and before noons and way afternoons and way before noons. roses are red, violets are blue...that's all I have so far. 4.3.03 is it wrong to wonder? to wonder just maybe? is it wrong to doubt? to doubt others? is it wrong to question? to question why I wonder and why I doubt and why I know it's wrong to? this is burning my brain, inducing pain in my head, and forcing me to seek relief. what is relief? sleep. where my consciousness swings the gate, caging itself and freeing the other. this evening he was there. in that mood...one of the few that I've seen him in. different company brings out different sides so most shall remain hidden, for him at least. mine know no such rules. so this evening, I am hating remembering and hating realizing and hating understanding and hating instability and hating reason and hating confusion and hating humble perfection and hating time and hating beauty and hating stares and hating sounds and hating sight and hating silver and hating tulips and hating clouds and hating this color and hating highs and hating lows and hating kanorado and hating words and hating titles and hating news and hating miles and hating little check boxes and hating spoons and hating gas tanks and hating genrosity and hating worry and hating sympathy empathy antipathy and hating the ceiling and that above and hating pictures and hating requests and hating rocks and hating flowers and hating languages and hating age and preferring love and sonrisas. that's all for tonight little ones. hate to bother other's thoughts. april 4, 2002 better today. goofy and coconutty. got a fortune cookie today: Now is a good time to explore. time to pay a visit to good ol Guilford I suppose. maybe I'll bring back a t-shirt and a refreshed view of college. thought of planes on the way home and how many people I know that share the same fear... up in the sky it's a bird it's a plane - yeah it's a plane I'm not afraid to fly - I'm not afraid yeah I guess I'm afraid fear is a good thing it teaches us humility and it keeps us sane so I'll fly high if I have to but if I could, I'd take the train livin' away from home on the road all the time ah, all the time driving up and down and back and forth no reason or rhyme yeah, you guessed right makes a grown man confront his fears consider options he'd normally decline I'm gonna buy my ticket to fly I'm gonna fly, I'm gonna fly strap me in, tie me down and roll me a bone I'm gettin on an airplane and I'm flying home strap me in, tie me down I'm learning to fly drivin across the country I get too fuckin high I don't wanna die yeah they'll fly me so high twenty/thirty thousand that's pretty high when they take off my chest sinks my ears pop I pray I lie I think about the network news to torture myself and to pass the time they tell me my seat cushion is a floatation device pray to god they ain't lyin strap me in, tie me down and roll me a bone I'm gettin on an airplane and I'm flying home strap me in, tie me down I'm learning to fly drivin across the country I get too fuckin high I don't wanna die |