--Home--
~~~~~~~~~~
Life is full of surprises, I was once told. Of course, at the time I dismissed it as the most obvious analogy known to man. What was life, if not full of surprises?
I'd experienced a fair few in my life so far. In fact, I'd had more than my share, and this was probably why the rest came as such a huge shock.
Let me explain. Once upon a time, I didn't believe in love. Love was something that was invented and exploited by the government for Valentine's Day, and was only truly experienced by the pure in heart, or whatever. It was like a search for the Holy Grail - except my search was fruitless.
Don't get me wrong, I came close several times. But that grail was always just out of reach, a few inches from my fingertips. Bah humbug. Who needs love?
So how did someone so out of reach, so unlucky in love, come to be standing at the altar?
~~~~~
There was a time
I was everything and nothing all at once
When you found me I was feeling like a cloud across the sun
And I need to tell you how you lined up every second of the day
But in the moonlight you just shine like a beacon of the bay
~~~~~
"Really, John, you didn't have to do all this," she said, staring out across the water.
I smiled. "Deb, I wanted to. I couldn't let you sit at home, sad and alone on your birthday."
She shook her head, giggling. "What makes you think I'd be sad and alone?" she asked, turning her gaze to me. Her eyes sparkled with an energy I hadn't seen in her for a long time.
"Oh, well, if I'm keeping you from a hot date - " I started, straightening up and taking the champagne flute out of her hands.
" - No, you're not," she interrupted, taking the glass back with a smile, "But I'd like to think you thought I had that option. I'm not celibate you know."
"I'm fully aware of that," I replied, turning my gaze down to her and noticing - rather strangely for me - how beautiful she looked in the moonlight, "It's not a crime to be single, Deb. I'd have been sent down a long time ago if it was."
She pushed me playfully. "What, the hottest doc in the ER?" she asked, "Did you forget about Abby? Susan? Rena?!"
"I was trying to," I told her with a wink, "I'm moving onwards and upwards - only true love will do, and that ain't gonna happen."
There was a silence. All I could hear was the water, and her breathing. I had this odd feeling in my stomach, maybe the champagne sitting wrong - I wasn't sure.
"You know, John, maybe you're right about searching for love and never finding it," she said at last, looking up in to my eyes and inexplicably sending shivers down my spine, "But maybe it comes along when you stop searching."
There was another silence as I took in her words. She held my gaze, then looked out across the lake again. And that was when the moment of clarity hit me like a ton of muesli. I took her face in my hands, and kissed her.
The look on her face as she pulled away was unreadable. "John, I..." she started, looking down at her hands grasping mine.
"I stopped searching," I replied, my voice at a whisper, "And I found you."
I had obviously said the right thing. She snaked her arms around my neck, and kissed me. The rest was history.
~~~~~
With your smile, you pull the deepest secrets from my heart
In all honesty, I'm speechless, and I don't know where to start
~~~~~
Well, the first surprise was that love was in reach. I sure as hell didn't see that one coming. One day, you're sitting around, drinking coffee, cursing the very existence of happy couples, when bam. She appeared, like an angel through the mist, my salvation.
Soppy, yes. If anyone had said that to me previously, I would've spat at them with disgust. It was that sort of self-indulgent crap that made me want to vomit. Salvation...yeah right. But it was the truth. Suddenly life was brighter - the sun shone, birds sang�it was like something out of a Disney movie. I half expected people to burst in to song.
Life was one long Whitney Houston ballad, all highs and no lows. For the first time since I was attacked, I didn't crave the manufactured high of medication. I had love.
And suddenly I was a different man. I was no longer bitter, no longer pessimistic, no longer going after things I knew I couldn't have, or things I knew wouldn't work. I had that Holy Grail, and for once, I didn't lose it, or tarnish it with my past experiences.
~~~~~
And I can't explain
But there's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
It's that feeling I get about you deep inside
And I can't describe
But there's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
~~~~~
I squirmed uncomfortably in my tuxedo. No matter how many times I wore formal attire, I always ended up wishing I was at home in some baggy pants and a sweater. Little tiny beads of sweat felt magnified in front of the crowd of people, and I felt that my every move was being watched and analysed by Deb's parents. Maybe it was. If I turned right now, would her mom be taking notes? Her dad practising his aim with a small pistol?
Oh man. I was losing it. Why did it take so damn long to walk up the aisle? It was just walking, for God's sake. She could zip round a grocery store in ten minutes, but she takes what feels like hours just walking ten metres?
I turned my head, and was relieved to see a flash of white in the corner of my eye. Ever the independent woman, Deb had walked up the aisle on her own. Whilst thoughts of her stopping half way down to talk with the congregation filled my mind, I felt someone grasp my hand and tug me gently forwards. She was there.
And so the service progressed. I can't say I remember much of it, too busy was I with remembering what I had to say. "I do"? "I will"? Now was not the time to forget the damn words. I took several deep, calming breaths - the result of one yoga session with Susan a year or so ago, and my vain attempt to `cleanse my aura` - and concentrated on what the pastor was saying. Deb was talking too, and I could feel her gaze on me. I turned to face her. I smiled.
She looked beautiful. If there was one memory I wanted to store forever in my mind, it was that one. She returned my smile, and I wanted to kiss her right then and there. But that came later.
"�John?"
I looked over at the pastor, who was watching me with only a small sign of impending doom on his face. I could read his thoughts - `He's backing out. The guy is chickening out. I'm not gonna get paid.`
I turned back to Deb, the grin on my face spreading so wide I my cheeks ached.
"I do."
~~~~~
The way you look tonight
~~~~~