Title: Dependency
Author: Alanna diAblo
Summery: 'He knew her too well, and it scared the hell out of her.'
Rating: PG-13 / R
Author's Note: See end please.
Archive: Por favor.
Spoilers: 'Lockdown', last scene mostly, it's what happens after that.
OO BOY!
* * * *
Smallpox contained, shots given out and warnings distributed, after almost two days in the ER, neither could wait to leave. It was Abby who offered, her apartment was closer and they were both starving. They had entered and finished off a bag of chips on the couch within minutes. Abby had shut her eyes to doze, so Carter decided to start cooking without her.
He'd found a few boxes of pasta, and put a pot of water on boil. In
search of tomato sauce, he'd opened the refrigerator. The sauce was in the side shelf, but that's not what caught his attention and caused his head to spin.
Beer. A fucking six pack of beer. He had a feeling Abby didn't keep it there for company. Carter snatched the tomato sauce container and shut the refrigerator.
He then heard the rustling of fabric and paper on the couch as Abby
rolled over to face him. She looked up at him through strands of hair hanging in front of her face with a confused expression.
"I'm sorry Carter, I didn't mean to fall asleep like that." She swung
her feet over the edge of the couch and stood up, feeling a bit rude for falling asleep with company, and disliking the feeling of playing damsel in distress. Carter shrugged and stirred the contents of a boiling pot of water. Abby walked over to the kitchen where Carter was, and leaned against the refrigerator. Curious as to what Carter was cooking, Abby tucked her hair behind an ear and peered over Carter's shoulder. Pasta. Abby could smell Carter's familiar scent only a few inches away from herself, and she couldn't help but bush her lips over him. He shuddered, but didn't do any thing to reciprocate her touch, so Abby took a few steps back and leaned on a counter.
Carter stirred a bit more and turned to face her. His eyes were dark
and his lips tightly drawn. He looked like a wild cat surveying it's prey. Watching, searching her body and soul for a sign. A sign of what?
Abby couldn't keep her eyes off of his own, holding his stare. She'd
won more then a few staring contests back in the day, and this one
was about to become another victory, but something about the stare
told her to shut up and look away. So she did, slowly. They were silent for a few more moments until Abby couldn't take it anymore. "What is it Carter?" She asked. She had expected it to sound strong but it came out with a crack and a whisper and little else. Abby knew what he was upset about now, but always the good sponsor, she sucked it up, and once again looked him in the eye. "I said: What is it?"
Carter nodded his head towards the refrigerator. Abby let out a sigh as he walked over to it and opened it up. "I was looking for sauce." He simply said before turning back to the six pack of beer that her
refrigerator contained. "I found it." He said, lamely stating the facts.
"But I also found this. How long did you think you could keep it up
Abby?" Abby sighed again and shuffled her feet.
"It's none of your business Carter. It's my house. It's my life." She
strode past him and slammed the door to the refrigerator closed. She whipped around to face him, her hand gripping the handle with white knuckles. He watched her with his eyes of deep amber pools. Abby rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"Abby, you were going to the meetings, you were starting to recover. Why now? Why start again?" There was another long pause before the timer on oven the rang. Carter walked over and turned the burner off.
"Why did you trust me?" Abby said softly. It was Carter's turn to let
out a sigh, and he let his head drop to his chest.
"I think you know why." He looked up at her again, this time the
darkness of his eyes reflecting his very thoughts and burning them into her soul. Abby held onto the edge of the counter, the corner of it digging into her fist. She felt like she was going to fall over, like her legs would just give out. She took in long and deep breaths as she held his gaze.
"I bought them in case." She volunteered, still melting. "In case that I have no alternative."
Carter slightly shook his head. "You don't need that as an alternative. You taught me that, you would know."
Abby broke the gaze a second time. "Well it's not true." She muttered to her feet and the floor.
"Does that mean every thing that helped me recovery is a lie? Does
that mean that everyone needs to depend on a substance for artificial joy?"
Abby shook her head. "This is different."
"No it's not Abby, and you know it." Abby looked up at him again
slowly before her gaze dropped back to the floor. "Let me help you."
"I can't."
"You helped me."
"I can't Carter...I can't..." And the tears fell from her eyes, down her
cheeks and over her lips where she licked the salty water away. Carter stepped towards her and wrapped her up in his arms, letting her cry. After regaining a little self control, Abby quickly backed away from his warmth and security. "Don't touch me." She said, swatting away a hand he held out to her. "I don't want your help. I don't want anyone's help. I can handle this on my own."
"Abby...no one can do this alone."
"I have damn it! And I'll do it again! I don't need to depend on
anyone."
"Right. You just need to depend on alcohol."
"That's..." Abby trailed off. She'd been about to say 'That's different,' but she knew Carter would dig even deeper into this problem she thought she'd buried a long time ago. Buried from others at least, if not from herself.
Abby was the type of person who watched movies like: "When Harry
Met Sally" and "You've Got Mail" and within the first five minutes could figure out the plot and would laugh at the stupidity of the whole thing. She hated those movies even more when the woman would play helpless and wait for the guy to ride up on his white steed and save her from all evil. ...And they would live happily ever after. What bullshit. Abby knew what love was really like, and that's why she was so cautious when in a relationship. As long as you didn't get too close, or too open, you were safe. You had to hold your own ground and say you were fine when you were drowning inside. The thing about Carter was, he knew she was drowning. He knew she needed help and he knew she didn't want it. But he was trying to help her regardless. That pissed Abby off.
She glared at him with red-rimmed eyes from the tears he'd made her shed.
'Damn you.' She said in her mind, as though he could hear her
thoughts' telepathically. 'I don't want your fucking help. Leave me
alone. I've saved myself before and I can do it again.'
Carter absorbed her anger and looked at her calmly. This pissed Abby off even more. He was supposed to leave, he was supposed to say that they were a mistake and that he'd never meant to kiss her earlier that night in the ER. He was supposed to slam the door in her face and tell let her save herself because he was supposed to not know she couldn't do it. He was supposed to believe everything she said to him, he was not supposed to read her mind. And damn it, he was supposed to ignore her past and just want her present.
But Carter wasn't like that. Carter knew that she was dying on the
inside. Carter knew that she couldn't save herself. And Carter wanted the Abby from the past, present and future.
"I know you're strong." Carter said in a relaxed tone. It reminded her
of the kind of ice you would press to your hot skin in the summer to
cool down. Abby shivered. "Didn't you have a sponsor when you first
recovered?"
"Get out." Was all Abby said in response. She felt like a knife had
stabbed her in the heart, her vision was graying and she felt like she had a fever. "Don't talk about that! Don't you *ever* talk about that." It's the past. Let sleeping dogs lie. Don't awaken those demons. Please. Damn it Carter...
Carter was curious now. Who was her first sponsor and what had they done to betray her trust in them and in herself so deeply? "Abby, please, calm down." Now he sounded like a kindergarten teacher talking to a child throwing a tantrum. Abby shook with rage and pointed to the door.
"I know that you don't like feeling dependent." Carter added. Abby
nodded slowly. "But damn it Abby, this is the hardest thing in the
world that you're trying to do. You grew up way to fast, you didn't
have a chance to let someone else worry about things for you. I'm not asking to have you run into my arms and to let every thing go, 'cause God knows you're not like that." Abby nodded again and dropped her hand that had still been pointing at the door. "All I'm asking is that-at least-you can talk to me about what's going on. I'm only angry because you didn't tell me that you are still drinking and that I know you can do better then this."
Abby starred at him with glassy eyes. He knew her too well. He knew her so well, and it scared the hell out of her. "The hell I can." Was all she said as she wrapped her arms around herself protectively, and rocked herself back and fourth. Carter just stood there. "You just want to help me so you feel like you paid me back for being your sponsor."
The words shot out of Abby's mouth like darts. He had her in a mental corner and she was getting extremely defensive. As if Carter could see that, he backed up from her-a lot.
"That's not true Abby, and you know it."
"Then why help me?" I don't deserve anything. Not you. Not
anything.
"You're my best friend." He said with a lighter tone compared to the
dark conversation they were having.
"Damn it Carter."
He raised an eyebrow.
"Why did you kiss me?"
Carter grinned sheepishly. "You know."
She glared at him. Daring him to admit what was behind the stupid
grin on his face. "No, I don't. Care to share with the class?"
Carter looked up at her, his brown eyes dancing. He walked towards
her slowly. She looked up at him, a look of understanding playing across her features just before he dipped his head down and gently placed his lips on hers. Abby exhaled, melting into him. Carter leaned into the warmth surrounding her and let her body heat be his own for a moment. The tip of her tongue tickled his lips and he opened his mouth to her.
Abby tasted him for the third time this evening. He had his own scent, and it was listoriene, leather, sweat and *him*. It should have been bottled and sold as an illegal drug, because Abby could swear she was hallucinating.
She tasted like honey suckle and lavender and cinnamon and...Carter's thoughts trailed off to all his warm memories. But he pulled himself out of the blissful fog, long enough to reluctantly pull back from her sweet embrace.
"Because..." Carter said breathing heavily.
"God..." Abby said in the same manner. "Carter I...oh my god..."
"Because we know each other to well to just ignore what we have."
Carter continued out of breath. Abby nodded, her eyes closed. "You
can be so stubborn, but I want you to be honest with me. Okay?" Abby opened her eyes.
"Carter?"
"Uh huh?"
"I'm not dependent."
Carter smiled. This was the most independent woman he'd even met; and probably would ever meet. She'd gone through hell and back more then her fair share of times, and she did it all without crashing and burning. On top of that, she found time to help others, including himself. That was more then Carter could say. How could she think that he'd believe that she was dependent?
"What?" Abby asked about his grin.
"Thank you."
"For...?"
"Letting me help you."
"You're welcome." Abby reflected his smile and stood on her tip toes to kiss him again. His hand encircled the small of her back, holding her to him. She rubbed against his chest and opened her jaws wider. His hot tongue invaded her mouth and she fought back. Abby couldn't hold her breath any longer, and she pulled back, rocking back and fourth on her feet and looking up at Carter.
"Carter?" She asked again, a sultry tone dripping off of the single
word. He didn't want to take advantage of her. He didn't want her to
regret anything. She needed to call the shots here, and he respected
that.
"Yes?"
"I don't want to be alone." She said simply.
"You won't be." He said, not daring to invade her personal space again unless she asked him to. "But I don't want you hung up over
something else." Abby knew that this time he wasn't talking about
Luka, he was talking about alcohol. So she opened the refrigerator and pulled out the six pack. She walked over to her fire escape, Carter following in her shadow, and opened the window to the outside. She didn't hesitate one step there, and she didn't hesitate as she threw the six pack down into the dumpster bellow.
"Good." Said Carter as she turned to face him. "I'm here." He added
gently. She smiled slightly, and he leaned down to kiss her again. This kiss was soft and slow, and gentle. So gentle. Abby felt as though he were treating her as glass. They just let the wave of passion wash over them and warm them, as they massaged each other's soft lips with their tongues'. Carter murmured something into Abby's ear as he moved his mouth down her neck, nibbling on the smooth skin his tongue discovered there. It sounded like: "...been waiting." But Abby wasn't sure. Besides, there were more important things to take care of at that moment, Abby remembered thinking, as Carter grasped her finger tips and led her back inside to her bed.
He lay her down upon her unmade bed, sheets and blankets twisting
amidst their bodies. He kissed her forehead. "Abby?" Carter asked, as his hand slid up her shirt.
"Mm?"
"I want to get to know you." He stated lamely, sounding like a thirteen year old on his first date. Abby looked at him coyly.
"I think we can arrange that..." She said as she placed her hand over
his, and drew it further up her stomach. Carter was loosing it fast,
and he didn't want to forget what he had to say before his body took over.
"No, I mean. Of course like that. But we will talk won't we?"
Abby wrapped her legs around him in response, and looked him
straight in the eye. Carter took it as a yes.
"Good."
And they did talk...after they regained conscious from earth shattering sex.
~~
La Fin.
So far...
Wanna know more about Abby's first sponsor? I didn't know if the fans of ER knew who it was or not, but whatever cause I'm making one up for the sake of my fic. Tell me what you think about this puppy, and any suggestions about who that character should be like and why they affected Abby the way they did, would be welcome with wide arms. Oh, yeah, feedback on this story would be nice too. Was it too sappy? Too detailed? To dry? Just let me know and it will be fixed. Even if you have no comment, just drop me a line that you read my fic and you'll make a girl's day. Okay, thanks for listening to my ramble.
~AD
