| "Retaking Control" | |||
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Monday 19th May 2008 09.10hrs The sun was shining warmly through the glass as she waited for the right moment to speak. Gray was watching her as though she were a snake about to strike; she smiled, though the temperature dropped a few degrees as she did so and she noticed with satisfaction that Gray gave a slight tremor of discomfort. "I want my identity back. You people," her voice was ice-cold, "have taken enough from me. I want my own name back. I am not Sara, my name is Safara or Saf if you prefer," She turned her gaze from the window onto Gray's face, so that he could see that she was not in a forgiving mood, this was not up for discussion. She was deadly serious, and she could see no reason why they should refuse her `request'. Gray didn't respond straight away, but his eyes dropped away from hers first. She didn't push her point, there was no need to, her iciness was doing that for her, where she had once been warm and able to joke with him, now he was simply one of `them', her masters; they who decided her fate. Some things she wasn't going to be able to change, walking out of here, was not possible; not just yet. But if she had to work for them, it didn't mean they owned her, and she was no longer going to let them intimidate her into doing as they said. It was time to fight back, but fairly, she was asking for nothing they couldn't do easily if they put their mind to it. Finally Gray nodded, his voice shaking a bit, "I will have new paperwork ready for you to pick up tomorrow. Do you have a problem with the surname we gave you?" she shrugged, "It's as good as any other, and if it makes it easier�" he nodded, "It does." She was done, a small thing perhaps, but for her it was the first real thing that she had won for herself. Gray didn't really understand, he had never had his identity taken from him, hadn't been made into a killer, hadn't been abused, threatened, and nearly killed. But to her it was the one thing that she remained true to and she was no longer prepared to live completely under their thumb. "I'll be back to pick them up at 16.00hrs, if that's ok with you?" He just nodded and she left his office without a backward glance, a spring in her step. Rebecca caught up with her before too long, it wasn't difficult, she had spent the following few hours after her `discussion' with Gray upgrading some of the systems, tinkering with the ratings of one of the servers that was causing a few performance issues supporting the liaison officers. As she worked to finalise the upgrade, on the console, Simon tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to the window into the server room. Rebecca was standing there watching her, as Saf turned her gaze on the silent form, Rebecca gestured to her that she would like to see her, she held up one hand to indicate five mins and Rebecca nodded then left. Saf sat for a moment, feeling she knew what Rebecca wanted to see her for, but then put it to one side while she finished what she had been doing, and then rebooted the server, before testing the new operating system subroutines. Performance ratings went from 87% to 95% and Simon was duly impressed, if she admitted it, so was she, it was nice to have something go right for a change. She washed her hands before going to Rebecca's office, not in any particular hurry to get there, and in fact she was now five mins later than she had said. She had no idea of what made Rebecca tick, but she would bet that this meeting had something to do with her recent request. 12.30pm To her surprise when she arrived at Rebecca's office, lunch was laid out on a table set for two; a cold salad with fruit juices to drink. Rebecca indicated for her to take a seat, which she did and silently helped herself to some pasta, without much enthusiasm. Rebecca opened up and fired a salvo first, "I have a report that indicates your issues were not your fault; rather that Madeline Sands was responsible for it." She paused briefly, "I am glad that you were able to work it out. You have proved yourself more than capable since you joined the SIA, and you would have been a loss to the group." Saf chewed silently on a mouthful of pasta salad, not saying anything, it didn't seem as though her input at this moment was necessary. She watched Rebecca closely, trust was something that was going to have to be earned by these people and right now, she didn't have a lot of it to spare. "I give you my word that nothing like that will happen to you while you work for me," Rebecca's voice was tinged with anger, "I don't believe in experimenting on my agents." Saf simply shrugged, it would eventually be seen whether that was the truth or not. "Gray has passed your request to me, I have sanctioned it as I believe you are right. Your name is part of your identity, and in the circumstances it is the least we can do." The anger that had been in Rebecca's voice a moment ago was now replaced by a sympathetic tone, but Saf was still wary, why was Rebecca being so nice? "I have also arranged a leave of absence, as you are aware just a few more days to give you time to settle, but please don't try to leave the country." Rebecca glanced over at her, but Saf was bristling with anger, being given an order, however reasonable was a restriction of freedom, "I would rather not take the leave, I have missed enough work.." her voice was tight with repressed fury, "I want to get back to normal." It was mulish of her, deliberatively so, to reject their suggestions, but she wanted to make her point. Rebecca took it calmly, "Very well, though we have provided enough reports to cover your extended absence at the laboratories, and you will find that you are up to date with your research. I will have the files uploaded to your home system." Her tones were neutral now, giving nothing away. Saf stood up, "Can I go now?" she asked icily. She received a slow nod from Rebecca and slowly made her way to the lounge where she could take a moment to calm down. Was there nothing they couldn't do? Now they were doing her research, and giving her the information to present as her own. She wanted to rage at someone or something but she realised that it wasn't important; it wasn't a real job, just a cover story so that she could work for the SIA. The anger disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, and she opened the lounge to quiet emptiness. The coffee machine quietly beckoned to her in the corner, but she resisted it, instead taking a bottle of water from the chiller, before sitting in one of the comfortable chairs and flicking through a magazine. She could have gone home, gone shopping, even to a museum, but perversely she stayed where she was; a neutral space, that held nothing for her except it was somewhere to be. She was just debating with herself as to whether she had time to have another session with Paige at the Edison facility or to go through the exercise sets that Michael, together with Dr Gideon had devised for her, when the door opened to admit Baz. She stood up, uncertain as to how to greet him. He was a teammate, a friend, and yet she felt wary of him. He was not of her past, he was of the present; a present that had been dominated by false memories and feelings. He looked slightly apologetic, appeasing, and she shut down her emotions, dealing with him as though he were a stranger; she would have to get to know him all over again. He didn't draw closer, but simply stood his ground, "Sara.." he started, but she stopped him with a glare, "The name is Saf or Safara, not their choice, mine," her voice was cold and chilling and the brief smile that had adorned Baz's face faded like a tropical sunset. He murmured, "Hey if this is about Alexei, I'm sorry.." she ignored him, replying softly, "you can't change the past, but you can learn from past mistakes. I'll see you around." She picked up her jacket and bag from the couch and walked past him, now was as good as any to get the exercise pattern completed. She couldn't feel for Baz right now, like the rest of the SIA he would be treated with caution until they had proved themselves reliable, and if he didn't like it, well, tough, he would have to deal with it. 16.00hrs She felt refreshed by the workout, rather than exhausted. The more she exercised, the more energy she seemed to have, according to Dr Gideon that was normal, not just a side effect of the drugs disappearing from her system. She had showered and changed into fresh clothes, before heading back to SH1. True to his word, Gray had her new papers ready; officially she was now Safara Churchill and had a driver's licence, passport and bankcards attesting to that. She thanked Gray, politely, but with no real warmth in her voice and then left before he could say anything more. She was relieved to leave, it was not that she didn't feel comfortable there; it was just she didn't feel comfortable being on her own and distrusting the people that the building housed. She was going to go home, but instead she found herself driving towards Jordan's store, although she had explained things to Paige, she knew Jordan or rather Enola was also owed an explanation. She found a parking space nearby and walked to the store. When she opened the door, the smell of the books was a distraction, they were solid and entrancing, she browsed the shelves while she waited for Enola to become free. 17.29hrs Strangely, Enola was on her own in the shop, as soon as she served the last customer, she closed the shop; switching the main lights off and locking the door behind them, leaving just the back seating area lit. Saf stood her ground, uncomfortable, but knowing this had to be faced, it was like any hard thing to do; the longer you left it, the more difficult it became. "Hi Enola, long time no see," Saf tried very hard to smile, "How are you doing?" her voice was soft, and she tried hard to keep her eyes warm and friendly though she felt that Enola wasn't quite seeing it that way. Saf had been certain before she arrived, that Enola and Paige would have spoken, it would be the right thing to do, support each other through difficult times, now she was not quite so sure. Enola looked uneasy, and slowly spoke "Why use that name?" She couldn't help the bitterness, "Section one took us away from our past, turned us into killers, and now `these' people took the last thing we could call our own, our names. Well enough was enough, I took mine back." At some point during her speech, Enola had stepped back, and Saf felt guilty, it wasn't right to take her anger out on someone more innocent than herself, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to .." Enola shook her head, "I chose to renounce my name. I chose Jordan as my name. My past is just that, my past. Nothing that was important enough to keep, but I understand it might be different for you." Saf didn't know what to say, instead of replying, she hung her head, in mute agreement. "So what brings you here?" Enola asked after a prolonged silence. "I needed to talk to you, explain about what happened." Her voice was shaky, but she needed to know that Enola no she preferred Jordan, didn't blame herself for being involved in the death of Alexei. "There's really no need." Jordan looked uneasy. Saf hesitated, knowing it was important not only to herself, but to allow the wounds to heal to ensure they could continue to work together, "I don't know whether Paige called you," Jordan nodded, "She mentioned some of it, she said Madeline was involved." Saf sat down on one of the comfy chairs, Jordan another, and in the dim lighting of the shop told her tale. The drugs, the experiments, the effects of the combinations and finally the intervention of Michael, when she had finished she stared off into space, realising for the first time just how close to self-destruct she had actually been. Jordan had sat silently through the details and only spoke when Saf was done, "I knew it wasn't you, it was as though you were someone or something else. What's going to happen to Madeline?" Saf shrugged, "I don't know, Michael made me promise to leave it up to him. Though personally, I believe that nothing I could think of would be a fit punishment for the bitch," her voice was calm, though she was seething inside. Then the anger vanished as quickly as it had arisen, "Enough about me, how are you. I haven't seen much of you since Samboy." There it was again, that shifty look, quickly replaced by an unfamiliar expression; Jordan was hiding something, probably connected with Samboy. She strained her memory to refresh the details of the mission, Jordan had to get close to her target and at the end had helped to capture him, but she didn't remember anything else, and nothing had been said at the end of it. "You don't feel guilty at taking out Alexei?" she asked, watching Jordan carefully as she answered. "Him? No. He deserved everything that was coming to him. Saf if you knew what he had done. The people that he had hurt, you would have wanted him dead as well." Jordan was savage in her attack on Alexei. Saf acknowledged the truth, "I agree, but that is over and done with. I really don't want to revisit that time in my life." She changed the subject swiftly, "How about your life instead, what have you been up to? Any more mountain bike trails?" This time, Jordan's face definitely displayed guilt. Saf felt ashamed, she was probing and by the look of things it was an open sore. "I'm sorry, forget it. Just ignore me. I'm the last person who should �" Jordan shook her head, "No, it's just I feel as if I used him. I didn't expect to feel anything for a target." Tommy, she was talking about Tommy. Saf hadn't realised that Jordan had developed a closeness with her target, she had never spoken about it to her, but then she had hardly made it possible. At the time, she was starting to fall apart big time and wasn't able to connect with anyone else. Softer now, more sympathetic, "I'm sorry. It can't be easy for you. Do you want to tell me about it?" Jordan shook her head, "Not right now, maybe another time." Saf understood, it was Jordan's choice, and when she felt the time was right, she would unburden herself. "Do you have any tea left?" Tea and sympathy, it was all she could offer and she couldn't even have the tea. A negative shake of the head, "No Assam left, and the order hasn't come in yet. But I have a selection of fruit teas. Tell you what, let me lock up and come back to the apartment with me." "That sounds good to me, what about food? Should we pick some up on the way?" Saf was eager to get away from the books, they lured her with their scent, their contents; their knowledge and right now her shelves were groaning with many unread mysteries. "No, I have something, if you don't mind store cupboard ingredients?" Jordan's voice recalled her to the present. "No worries, anything you have is good." Her reply was dry, she needed a drink; water or herbal tea was fine, she didn't even considering breaking the rules that Michael had set. She had no urges for alcohol but caffeine was a different matter; it was as though she needed it more than she admitted to. But the reminders of what she had been in the past, was enough to keep her on the righteous path. Jordan locked up, and Saf followed her home. It was the first time Jordan had taken her home, it was cosy, and homely, and yet strangely lacking in the small touches of being lived in, it was more like a show home. She sat on a bar seat while Jordan made a pot of tea, camomile and pear. It was nice to be normal, to be here watching a friend do something domestic, and yet it was new, unfamiliar to her. The tea was refreshing and she enjoyed the company, she could manage on her own, but since Michael had left her, she had made every excuse not to be alone, seeking company by working with Simon at the Safe house above the Baha Bar, or by visiting Paige and training at the Edison facility until she was so goddamned tired that when she went home she could sleep for more than three hours at a time. "Here you go," Jordan placed a bowl of soup and some bread down on the counter. "Fresh vegetable, well if out of a can could be described as being `fresh'." Saf laughed, "I don't think they would sell much as being `old, blended vegetables', do you?" Jordan smiled, and shook her head, "Probably not." She felt as though she had something positive, taking her name back was the second step, righting the wrongs had been the first and now making peace was the third. Now she could continue rebuilding her new life, paid killer she might be by profession, but first of all and foremost she was her own person and she would never forget it, ever. Return |
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