| "On The Edge" | |||
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April 12th 2008 10.30hrs She had sat patiently, waiting. She knew `their' keeping her waiting was so that they could watch her; no doubt they were reviewing the facts of the case before they spoke to her. She was in no hurry to talk to them, she had no idea of what to say, or how to respond. She sat on the chair, arms loosely held in her lap, relaxed in her outward appearance. She knew she was taking a risk by coming back here, but she had no other choice. If she hadn't contacted Gray and informed him of the problem, it would have been so much worse and she couldn't run, not any more; she was tired of the chase. If nothing else, Section had taught her that, running was not an option for her anymore. Fight your own battles, wage your own wars and be the hunter not the hunted. So she had returned and now she waited while her fate was discussed, but she would at least be able to explain her side, otherwise she would be dead now. Gray emerged first, his face was inscrutable, he gave nothing away. Michael she thought, his skill was everywhere. She stood as he came over, followed by Rebecca. It was Gray who asked her to explain what had happened in Munich, Rebecca stood, watching, waiting. Saf sat down on the couch, and started to explain. It didn't take long, the wild goose chase, the way that Gerhard had made her feel uncomfortable by leering at her and the final straw of him groping her backside. She admitted that she had probably over reacted to his manner, but she had been taken off guard and hadn't stopped to think, but had just exploded. Gray and Rebecca had sat through the entire explanation without a word, now Rebecca spoke, "Gerhard has undergone surgery for a ruptured testicle, and severe bruising to the nerves in his neck. However, he is expected to make a near full recovery." She paused, "Why do you think you weren't able to control the level of your response?" she queried. Saf took a long slow breath, she had given this a great deal of thought, "I was tired, and I just wanted out of there. Gerhard was unpleasant, but I should have been able to handle it better." She paused, allowing herself to stay calm, "I had no excuse for the level of restraint I used, however I was able to stop before I killed him." `Like he deserved', she pushed the thoughts back into the void. She waited for someone to speak, but the silence became deafening. She didn't want to say more for fear of compromising her self control, but eventually she could not hold back. "Rebecca, you had to have been there, he was disgusting�" she turned to Rebecca, who was watching her closely, "I couldn't let him get away with that.. I'm sorry, but I won't put up with being made to feel, like he made me." She clenched her hands together, focussing on her anger, making it go away. "He made me feel, as though I were nothing, there was no respect, no professionalism from him, it was just as though he saw me as something he could abuse." She stopped, aware of the raging pain within her. Clenching and unclenching her hands, fighting the urge to hit out at the unfairness of the situation, she was being put through. It wasn't her they should be questioning, it was `him'. Rebecca, murmured something to Gray, she didn't catch what was said. Rebecca then turned to her, her cool grey eyes giving nothing away, "Sara, would you say that the experience you were put through during your last mission for Section, I believe it was called Immersion, could have any bearing on the recent events?" She sat back on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest, suddenly drawn back into the past. All the fears and anxiety that she had experienced and put deep into the recesses of her mind, resurfaced. Despite the counselling that Section had provided, or Madeline had made her face, and despite her having put it behind her or so she thought, it was as though it had just happened yesterday; the abuse she had suffered at the hands of Mike and Frank, the drugs they had forced upon her body and mind. She put her head down on her knees and cried, tears of anger and pain; lost on the edge of the world. Eventually she lifted her head, brushed her hand across her eyes, brushing away the tears and looked up at Rebecca, who was still watching her coolly. "What now?" she asked quietly, waiting, knowing deep down inside, that the future held nothing for her. Rebecca, sat down, "I think you have some unresolved issues left over from that mission. Despite your `protective shell' you surround yourself with, you need to deal with them before you go over the edge," Saf was shocked, Madeline would have prescribed a bullet, and not bothered to explore the reasons why. She stayed quiet, concentrating on the material on the couch, and waited for Rebecca to continue, "I want you to talk to Dr Allenson; you met him when you first entered. I think he will help you put the `problem' in perspective. You will see him on Monday at 15.00hrs. You will still be active, but only in surveillance and tactical for Samboy." Saf would have interrupted, but Rebecca shook her head, "You need to learn when to take `advice' and when to listen." Saf knew she was right, but it didn't make it any easier, she nodded her head, lost for words. "Go home and rest, if you can. See Dr Allenson on Monday, and then I would like to talk to you later. Perhaps if you wouldn't mind, I would like to visit you at home?" Mind, would she mind, could she mind, invading her space? Another test? She replied quietly, "That would be fine, I will be working at the research lab until 6pm, but anytime after that is good." Rebecca nodded, a glance at Gray and they walked away, leaving her alone. She leaned back in the couch, staring at the ceiling, wondering why she was still breathing? ~~~~~~~~~~ Rebecca's Office 12.35hrs She stood, staring at the woman seated on the couch, who hadn't moved since they had left the room. Gray stood at her side, waiting for instructions. She wasn't certain about what she had done, but despite the problems, Sara had a lot to offer the SIA and she wasn't about to cut off her nose to spite her face, the problem in Munich had been just that a problem. Gray had also mentioned, before they had seen Sara, an incident where Sara hadn't answered the phone when he had rung, apparently apologising when she did pick up, but he had felt that it had been more than just a natural delay. Rebecca had listened to his report, and then suggested that he should monitor the situation to see how frequent the occurrence was. She had discussed the incident with Stefan Hausmann, Gerhard's controller, he had been angry that one of his senior officers had been `attacked' by a mere messenger. Rebecca had had to bite down hard when he said that, obviously chauvinism was affecting more than just Gerhard. She had apologised for the incident, but had told Stefan that the agent was more than just a messenger, and should have been treated with respect. It had taken a lot of smoothing over, but the end result was satisfactory, Gerhard would be replaced and another comms agent would be assigned to deliver the laptop. She closed the link to Stefan and sat back in her chair. It was the first signs of instability she had seen in the agents recruited from Section One, she would have to get to know each of them. To ensure that Section's games that Joshua had hinted in one of their many discussions, were not affecting their ability to perform. "Gray," she turned to face him, "I want you to find out all you can about Sean Strathspey, he might have some information we could use, and Sara has had a relationship with him in the past. Perhaps it might be useful to consider whether he might be more use to us than just a liaison officer?" Gray paused, "I will do some discreet checking." She turned back to the two way mirror, watching the figure on the couches, she was still looking up at the ceiling, still motionless. ~~~~~~~~~~~ 12.55hrs Saf slowly came out of her trance like state. She had been unable to move when left on her own by Rebecca. It was almost as though she couldn't move, shouldn't move and yet she knew she was expected to go home, to rest, as though it were possible to rest. She stood up, slowly standing feeling her muscles tighten, she picked up her coat and bag and walked out of the room, giving all her attention to putting one step in front of the other. She exited out a back door of the bar, and through the alley into the street. She debated on how to travel, but didn't want to drive home. She caught a cab and headed for the rail station, letting someone else take the strainof the journey. She arrived home, cold and wet, but she dragged herself upstairs, undressed leaving the clothes where they fell, and curled up under the covers. Everything seemed to require so much effort, and she had no strength, not even to pull the curtains. Sleep eluded her though, she wanted so much to sleep, and yet it would not come and give her rest. She lay there for hour after hour, her body aching, her mind restless, until finally she found some inner peace. Sunday April 13th 2008 17.00hrs Hunger eventually drove her from her bed, and she shakily went downstairs to explore the fridge. It contained little except for some sour milk, and some vegetables and eggs; she couldn't bring herself to go out and shop. The cupboards were more promising, and she opened a can of soup, heating it up and wrapping herself in one of the afghans, she sipped it slowly, sitting on the couch. She felt the warmth of the soup, begin to take off the edge and she felt better for it, felt slightly more alive than she had for the last 30 hours. She snapped on the tv, and curled up amongst the cushions, and watched a channel with an old movie on, The League of Gentlemen, which came out five years back. Starring an older Sean Connery with an Australian actress who she hadn't heard much of before, Peta somebody. It was based on a series of comic books and Victorian characters from novels, set in the late 19th Century. She watched it without getting involved; it was just a noise, to drown out the silence that it replaced. April 14th 2008 02.05hrs She woke with a start, a few hours later, the tv had long since switched itself off, and she was in darkness; just the stars shining down from the sky. She felt more rested, and apart from needing a drink, she felt more relaxed and calm than she had for a while. The thought of seeing the shrink tomorrow, was not bothering her, but she knew it was going to be tough to pull the wool over his eyes. The thought occurred to her, that if she didn't try, all her problems would be resolved, the SIA would `retire' her immediately and then thinking wasn't going to be an issue. If only she knew why this rage occurred, it wasn't totally to do with Gerhard's attitude, although he had provoked her. It wasn't because she didn't feel comfortable with men, otherwise, she would have had problems with Alexei, but try as she might, she couldn't quite put her finger on why or how it erupted; what the trigger was. She got up and made a cup of tea, the last of the tea she had brought back from England, she had given some to Jordan, and it was going to be difficult, but not impossible to get hold of more. She sipped the golden liquid, and watched as the dark sky lightened with the first herald of dawn, and planned her day ahead. She wanted to see Jordan, just to talk, not about what was wrong, but about normal things, to pretend they were just good friends, have lunch, be normal for a change. Kendra's bookshop 12.30pm She browsed among the books, loving the smell of the ink and paper. She picked out a couple of novels, a couple of new books and some old friends; something to while away the time on surveillance. Jordan was dealing with a customer and she waited until she was free before going over and greeting her. Jordan insisted on the books as a gift, and despite her protestations that it was too much, they were wrapped and in a bag without money changing hands. Jordan took her to a caf�, just around the corner, run by Italian couple, and Jordan ordered the special of the day saying "Don't worry, you will love it, better than choosing off the menu," she smiled, but aware that it lacked warmth, somehow she just felt so cold inside, bone aching cold. Jordan was right though, the pasta was lovely, cooked to perfection and yet she found she couldn't eat that much of it; perhaps it was the chills, perhaps the thought of a session with Dr Allenson this afternoon, she didn't know, but when she couldn't force herself to eat it, she pushed it around the plate in pretence. Over a cup of ea, they discussed general issues, Saf gave her some pointers to book collectors in London, and Munich; some she had used herself and some she had heard of. "If you are in London anytime soon, I wouldn't mind getting you to bring some tea back, you can't get the blend I like over here." Jordan smiled, "Sure Sara, no problems," she paused, "I'm going to have to go, I have an appointment, but it's been lovely to catch up with you again. Don't leave it so long until next time, yes?" Saf nodded, her voice a little husky, "I promise, I won't". Saf stayed to finish her second cup of tea, she didn't have to be at Dr Allenson's until 15.00hrs, and she didn't want to arrive too early. She had plenty of time, and she would be able to pick her car up from SH1 on her way, so she was going to take the train into the city. The address that had been given her by Rebecca, was just around the corner from the bar. 15.15hrs Dr Allenson's He hadn't been what she had expected, his office was not a sterile white room, he wore just jeans and a casual top yet he must have been in his late 40's. He hadn't been bothered when she had turned up a few minutes late, but he offered her a drink and smiled when she declined, saying if she had any more tea, she would be afloat. She was calm, yet inside was tense, trying hard to pretend that this was just a `chat', but Pete, the doc, put her at ease. There was no psychiatrist's couch he explained, just a comfortable room. He led her through a door out of reception and into a bright airy room, with tall ceilings and bookcases filled to overflowing, there were a number of soft easy chairs and couches, but they could have been in anyone's living room. She explored the space, anything to delay her sitting down and talking, but eventually she turned to face Pete, "So where do you want to start?" her voice was a bit more strident than she would have liked, it was too defensive. Pete took a chair by the window, and said quietly "Sara, I can call you Sara?" She nodded, her throat tight. "I don't want to start anywhere, but you do," his voice was calm, and fatherly. "Whatever you decide to say, stays here, with you and me. There are no reports to the big boss, I guarantee that." `Yeah! Right.' She thought, `as though that were the case. No doubt the room is bugged and the conversation taped.' The silence became repressive, she couldn't even begin to trust him with her secrets, which threatened to bubble up and destroy her with their acid. "What would make you more comfortable?" he asked. She thought about it, "space," the word escaped from her lips before she could prevent it. "Well, grab your coat, let's head out of here," Pete smiled, standing now and ready to go to the door. It was that offer that decided her; he wouldn't be so prepared to go if it was recorded. Unless he meant her to feel more relaxed, and put her off her guard? She was confused, uncertain of what to do next. "I promise, you there are no catches," Pete spoke, "no hidden recorders, no notes, just you and me and the books, but they listen real well." She smiled, unable to help herself, and turned away to look out of the window. It was raining softly against the window, small drops of moisture gathered until they could no longer retain their place and they slowly slid down the window pane. She followed their path with her finger. "Tell me what you are thinking?" he questioned, but his voice was soft, not insistent. "Why does the rain have so many different types? "she murmured softly, her head pressed against the window pane; she felt the coolness of the glass under her forehead. Pete came to stand by her, "Like everything, it has a path it must tread." He said softly, "Talk to me Sara, I can see your pain, but I can't help you until you tell me about it." He was right, she knew he was right, but where did she start. She continued to stare out at the window, separating herself from her thoughts as she started to explain about immersion. How she had been abused. He didn't say anything, just let her talk it through, about how she felt, the problem had not been with being abused, but that she had enjoyed it, almost as though her free will had gone, disappeared and she couldn't seem to find her way back. She spoke of how she had discussed it afterwards, with Madeline, who had forced her to sit through the tapes, but she had locked her feelings down, grown a protective shell, just as Rebecca had surmised and now cracks were appearing. She didn't mention the girl in the bar, but she mentioned the incident with Gerhard in Munich. Her voice finally fell silent, empty; devoid of emotion, of thought. The pain was pushed behind the barrier she had created, she wanted so much to have this burden taken from her, to have her life back, the way it was, but she didn't know if it were even possible. Pete had listened, not saying a word, but his presence by her side, gave her support. She stood there, feeling the pulse racing in her throat, and the world felt a little fuzzy, she put a hand out to steady herself, but the greyness increased and she felt giddy and broke out into a sweat. Now the pulse became a roar, and she felt herself falling down into the abyss. It didn't last very long, as soon as she lay prone, the blood pressure evened out and she lost the greyness that had enfolded her. Pete was kneeling by her side, "how much have you eaten in the last few days?" she shook her head, "hardly anything, I didn't feel �" he stood up, and left the room, muttering softly to himself. She pushed herself into a sitting position, listless, waiting. He wasn't very long, he returned with a mug of coffee and some bread. "Here," he helped her to a chair, and offered her the coffee. It was dark and sweet, revoltingly sweet; but she sipped it feeling stronger. He passed her a roll, and she bit into it. A cheese roll, with all the taste of plastic, but she ate it anyway. He sat on the arm of the chair, and waited for her to finish eating. "You know, some patients would do anything to get my lunch," she chuckled, "lunch, this isn't fit for lunch.." As she munched on the roll, he spoke softly "What is the one thing you are scared of?" he asked. Instantly she felt like throwing up what she had just eaten, but she calmed the rising nausea and responded quietly, "Losing control. " she sipped on the coffee, keeping her eyes on the floor afraid to look at him to see what his response was. "Was that because of your experience, of being made to lose control?" she nodded. Choking down the urge to hit out at the pain that surrounded her, when he asked the questions, "they took away my self, gave me back this body, this mind, but it isn't mine." Her voice was shaky, her anger becoming harder to control, but she forced it back down, lashing down the chains holding it in place. "So you punish yourself, for what they did to you? But that hasn't worked either, has it?" his voice was softer now, more than just gentle, he could see into her dark soul, and hadn't run from what he saw there. "You can't change the past, but you relive it. It gnaws at you, feeds your anger?" She bit her lip, needing the pain to stop the anger escaping, and bowed under the pressure of his skill. He stood up, and looked down at her, "I want to try something with you, do you meditate?" she nodded, "good, well this should be easy for you. I want you to relax and let me work with you, can you do that?" he took her silence for assent, "Wherever you feel more comfortable." She moved to sit down on the carpet, her back to the chair. He lit a candle, and put it on the table in front of her, "Watch the candle flicker before the breath," he breathed out slowly, and the candle flickered in the air, growing brighter when he stopped. "Look at the candle, and take some deep slow breaths," she did as she was told, wondering whether he was trying to hypnotise her. Afterwards she couldn't remember what he had said, he had led her through a maze of thoughts and dreams, pointing out where in the past, she had no choice but to give over control, and the differences now, in the future where she had control. She felt as though she had been examined under a microscope and yet the damage had not been as bad as she had feared. It was strange, coming back, she did feel stronger, felt that he had helped, but her worry now was that she would come to rely on him and not be able to function without a crutch. She could see clearly now, the tapes of the time she had spent under the control of the kidnappers, had not told the complete story; they had given er a warped perspective of the events. Madeline had chosen what to show her, to give her that false view. The drugs used, were also part of it, and despite being given drugs to counteract the effects of the first one, they weren't completely effective, only time would heal some of the wounds.. She felt happier now, able to see where she had blamed herself for events that she could not stop. Punishing herself for not taking control and being able to survive, having to have waited for someone else to rescue her. She didn't discuss Section, she was too aware of the need to protect Pete from the sort of danger that knowledge could bring. She had mentioned instead, a security firm that she had supposedly worked for, that had taken over security in the event of a kidnap attempt, she felt slightly guilty for lying to him, but she had made enough blunders over the last two months that she didn't feel she could risk more. He gave her his telephone number, "if you need to talk, or just want to see me, call me. I'll try to remember to have more food available," She smiled, warmly, genuine and relaxed, "In the meantime, just take it easy, you have to take this slowly." She nodded, feeling calm, and at her ease, though she didn't plan on returning to him, now she had the key to the problem, she would be able to cope. Manhattan 20.30hrs Outside she walked the few blocks to the bar, and picked up the jeep from the garage. She had missed most of the traffic, so the roads were relatively clear. On the way home, she stopped at a grocery store and brought food, and supplies including some wine. She hadn't got any messages on the answerphone, which was good. She put the shopping away and heated up the frozen dinner she had purchased. The wine was red, and tasted smooth and fruity, just what she needed. She checked the system for messages and found one from Rebecca; she would drop by tomorrow after Saf had finished work for the day. She found that the tenseness was gone, she felt calm and relaxed. She selected a book from the selection she had got from Jordan, and curled up with the bottle of wine. Tonight was going to be just her, and peace. Tomorrow was another day. Return |
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