| "Faith and Hell" | ||
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May 24, 2008 Safehouse 1, Medical 0900 hours Paige felt fingers running along her cheek. She savored their warmth for a moment, knowing already who they belonged to. She took just that moment before assessing her pain. Yep, there it was. That old familiar throbbing deep in the back of her head held at bay for the moment by the drugs that coursed through her system. And yes, there was some more, along her right arm, mostly at the wrist. It had been broken right? She tested her fingers, they moved ok, but the aching was still there and she could not move her arm, it was just too heavy. She forced her eyes open and the fingers stopped immediately. Joshua was sitting at her side, leaning over so his face was close to hers. He looked to her curiously then licked his lips in a manner that really ought to be illegal. "Hey sweetness," he said softly. She smiled weakly and tried to move her body a little, to no avail. "How are you feeling?" "I've felt better," she whispered. He remained silent though a small smile briefly crossed his features. He stroked her cheek again content, it would seem, at the moment just being near her. "You scared the hell out of me," he said softly, "I saw you fall...I thought you were dead." She closed her eyes remembering that feeling, falling. But it wasn't the falling that hurt...it was the landing. "That makes two of us." She opened her eyes, finding his, the blueness, that were not as intense as they usually were. Almost vulnerable. She thought that should bother her, but there were moments, sometimes, like this, that were so brief, so quiet, when she would look at Joshua, and there would be this tiny, intangible understanding between them. Somehow, Joshua understood what it was like being controlled, despite being who he was, despite being the boss. There was a kinship there that Paige had never felt from anyone before. But as quickly as it came though, it was gone. "The others?" Joshua nodded, "Baz is still in surgery. Eric's gonna be fine, just needs some rest." "And you?" He dropped his gaze, "just bruised, like I told you." He looked to her again, different this time. "Do you remember the chopper ride back here at all?" She narrowed her eyes, thinking, "not really...it's all kind of...jumbled." "Everything? Or just what happened after the fall?" His question came quick and she studied him. "I don't...know." "You have to know Paige, do you remember before you fell? The Red Cell operatives?" "Yes," she shook her head slightly, "no. I don't know..." God, he had that look on him, he was just...overwhelming again. "Joshua...I...it's just..." "I'm sorry," he shook his head shaking off that horrible look. "I shouldn't do this." He got up and began pacing along the bed wringing his hands. She tried to move but the throbbing in her head and wrist stopped her. He stopped to study her. "I shouldn't do this so soon after..." He moved slowly then, taking his seat again at her side. He kissed her tenderly on the cheek then laid his head down on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm not thinking...I'm just so tired, Paige. I'm so tired...it just hurts." His fingers traveled over her skin lightly, leaving a trail of tingling flesh beneath them before he gently grasped her hand, the one without the heavy thing on it. "It's alright," she said quietly before she even thought about it. But Joshua had a way of doing that, making you say things without thinking. He had a way of getting into your head, and staying there, even long after he was gone. He had way getting under your skin, in your blood. And when he looked up at her, his eyes were shining with adoration. He was breaking her heart. "It's not alright," he said softly. He had a way of doing that, too. With so few motions, so few words, he could tear through all your layers and strip you bare down to just simple instincts and reactions. That was what he liked, instinct and reaction. Because it was genuine, not premeditated, and he could change his game accordingly. That was his game. And he played it not just well, but ruthlessly, pulling every string, playing every heart. He could build you up and break you down with one gaze of his eyes. Paige didn't think anyone who knew Joshua would be able to miss the searing intensity that rested within him. Just that million degree stare alone would floor any man. That light, that fire, within him was so bright it was almost unforgiving. Moments and seconds of staring straight into that fire and you could feel it burn you inside out, an exquisite flame that was never gentle with its caress. That was how Joshua was. That was what he gave. Pure intensity. And you either took all the intensity or you took nothing at all. "When you fell...I thought you were dead and it...it killed me," he whispered. And in that moment, Paige couldn't help but start to wonder if she could possibly have more than just the fire. And if she dared to take more than that fire - would it be too much? Could Joshua be just too bright, too passionate? Would taking all of it leave Paige burnt out? Like staring at the sun, she was going blind. And god help her, she couldn't stop herself. She had always felt it, always heard the warning deep inside. When they had first met, he appeared so normal (for Section anyway), so charming, so elegantly beautiful, it was hard to take him as anything but that. But somewhere inside there was a discordant little note vibrating, telling her that this beautiful person was not a person at all. That he was bad news, that he was the worse thing to come along in her life. "Tell me you feel it, Paige," he said, his voice cracking slightly. Even a discordant note rung long enough can become beautiful. And that note had been heeded, and quickly ignored. Joshua was just that. But he was fascinating, too. There was something about him, something about him that could just...could just make the sanest of people go mad. Something delirious about him, like a dream, like a nightmare, like a fantasy or a delusion. That he could take even as he gave. She had to give it all to him. And she had to take it all and all at once or she'd just fall apart. Just fall apart. And then there would be nothing left but ashes. Ashes for him to sift through until he lost interest and moved on. "Please tell me," he pleaded with her again. He was a constant torment driving Paige further and further towards physical and emotional insanity. A blissful insanity. Irresistible insanity which she found herself powerless to escape. The look of pure innocence on his face was breathtaking. How could he look so innocent? Like some fallen angel, some tempter of the righteous, he innocently demanded her answer. He was like a radiant ray of light from Heaven sent down to redeem her for her sins, yet tempt her straight into the fires of Hell. Which is where she'd gladly go if he asked her to. "Joshua," she said softly. The look of hope held on his features for a moment longer before it gave way to disappointment. "I'm wrong?" he asked. How could he? How could he manipulate her so boldly, so completely? How could he ask her to reciprocate that, to bring out verbally that which had been forbidden, what seemingly did not exist - that their relationship was anything more...than nothing. "Yes," she said quietly, though she could not meet his eyes. But he wasn't wrong. Even if that's the way it felt, like he was killing her, he wasn't wrong. She'd fallen for him and hadn't even known it. She'd fallen for him completely in spite of herself. She thought maybe it had been that way all along. "I'm sorry, Paige, this isn't...the time certainly. You should get some rest." He leaned over her and kissed her lips gently stroking her cheek with his hand. "Get some rest, we'll talk later, ok?" She nodded her head. "Alright." When he walked away, she found herself staring at his back as he retreated. She did not want him to go away. But she didn't want him to stay either. She was just left feeling...alone. He usually didn't give up that easily. He usually was not satisfied without answers, without conclusion, without decision right there and then. Again, he had surprised her with his candidness, the depth of his emotion. But it was more like the stunned feel of a hit-and-run. Like she had been struck and left for dead, struggling for breath. She was struggling for sanity. To be around him was to risk losing it, losing everything. The man was just unstoppable. He wanted, he took, he had. And she wondered when he would come calling again, come demanding answers, conclusion, decision, and of course, payback. There was still that issue between them, retribution for him giving her the chemical information. He would never forget that. He would never let her forget that. He might wait for just the right time to spring it on her, to take hold of her once again, to take his place as the rightful controller, her demon, her devil, her deliverer from morality. He always found a way, even though he wasn't there, he still had found a way to renew her faith in hell. He was her hell and he burned her mercilessly with his words, his silence, his ugliness, and his beauty. Yes, there was still that beauty in him and in whatever he did. He was still beautiful. Beautiful, like the lions and tigers sort of beautiful, even when they were maiming some poor deer. Or maybe especially when they were killing. She wondered what she would do then? When he came for his kill. When he came back. When he wasn't so vulnerable. What would she do for him? With him? Perhaps, that was the bigger question. Just what could she do with a lifetime subscription to Joshua? Return |
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