| "Fathoms of Doubt" | ||
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6th June 2008 04.35am Watching the sun appear over the horizon, she could believe that she alone occupied this bit of earth. There was quiet, blissful silence, only the sounds of the waking birds disturbed her thoughts; last night the silence had been shattered by the tones of a phone ringing, swiftly answered and she couldn't find a way of regaining inner quiet and so had given up trying to sleep, dressed and walked down to the boat, convinced that the sounds of the water lapping at the dock would provide the antidote. Since her return from Section, it was as though everything and everyone else was moving at a different speed to her, and she couldn't seem to keep up; as though she were being held back by some invisible threads. She had existed, more exhausted than she had realised though some of the affects were attributable to the sedatives that had been pumped into her day after day and would take time to dissipate, not speaking very much to Paige who had just allowed her to find her own pace. She had slept on the couch, preferring to be on her own. It meant she wouldn't disturb the other two; the boy and Paige. The boy. Brian. A strange inquisitive boy, who she thought could see right through you. He scared her, and she tried to avoid him, she had never much liked children; even less the ones that acted like an adult. Paige was better with him, as was Jordy, so she had withdrawn into the background in preference to the falsity of pretending she liked him. Brian kept persisting trying to draw her in, and she felt like she was being forced into a corner, but conscious at the same time that he was a child so adult rules such as `fighting' back couldn't be used. Every noise at night made her start from a restless doze; she ached for her own bed and solitude. At 3.30am she had given up, dressed and headed out; she wouldn't go far, just to the docks, she knew Paige would be concerned if she disappeared. Somehow, out here, everything seemed to be peaceful, yet she knew it was anything but that; she had reached the crossroads and she had to choose her path. Previously all her choices had been made for her, or she had been manipulated into them, now she was on her own. She didn't doubt that she could make the right choices, it would just be how other people would perceive them, and her afterwards. As she thought about how to achieve her aims, she realised that with the exception of Paige and Jordy, she didn't care what anyone else thought. The sun started to produce some warmth, and she realised just how cold it had been sitting there, she checked her watch, it was a few minutes after 5 in the morning. Too early for anyone else to be up, unless they were fishermen, and yet the world was stirring, no longer just hers, but she wasn't ready to go back to Paige's apartment just yet. She stretched and reached out to the sun, moving to an inside hidden beat, a combination of Tai Chi and yoga. She felt her muscles stretch and release, breathing easily as she held the positions for a count before sliding through another form. Compensating for the boat on the water, she felt as though a burden had been lifted from her shoulders and as a result she was lighter, but more aware of herself. She finally drew to a halt, breathing deeply, and bowed to the sun; a flock of seagulls, flying overhead to where the incoming fishermen were coming in, were her only audience. She walked slowly back to Paige's apartment, entering quietly, and headed for the shower. She soaped her body down, feeling the changes, learning about herself. A scar here, a bruise there. Signs of the life she had led for the past five years. She couldn't change what she had evolved into, her instincts had been honed too well by the Section training and if she were realistic then she would have to admit, that she got a certain amount of pleasure from the kill. It was as if she had a feline instinct for it, to hunt and kill prey; the only difference was that her prey were usually scum who deserved to die. She turned the water to icy cold, to freshen her senses and then stepped out, wrapping a towel around her. There was still silence in the apartment and she headed for the kitchen, to be stopped by Paige's voice. "We need to talk." She froze, before slowly turning around and answering softly, "about what?" Paige smiled, but there was no warmth in it, "about what happened, Madeline, the drugs�" She nodded, acknowledging the facts, "it happened, it's in the past." "Is that all you can say? I saw the way you were.." Saf shook her head, "what is done can't be unchanged, nor do I need to keep revisiting it." She hoped that Paige would take the hint, but felt that wasn't going to be the way that this was going. "Don't shut me out�." She sighed, "Paige, believe me, I am not shutting you out or me in. I can't change the past, and I don't want to, Madeline is better for being dead as the world is for her not being here. End of story. I just want to move on with my life." Paige looked at her a long while, trying to read the truth in her eyes. Saf returned the gaze evenly; able to hide everything except what she wanted her to see, willing her to believe the words because that would mean she would be able to believe them too. Finally Paige turned away, "I want to believe you.." From the living room, a small voice interjected, "Are you two going to be much longer? I'm hungry�" Saf stiffened, Brian the small child/adult, but this time doing her a favour. She smiled, lazily, and replied, "Do you want pancakes?" she knew Paige had a couple of packet mixes, and some maple syrup. What better way of avoiding the subject. Funnily enough it was Paige who answered, "definitely, if you are making them." She smiled along with the both of them, sat them at the counter and set to with the cooker and the store cupboard ingredients. While the batter was resting, she ran through a jug of coffee in the filter unit, and poured Brian some juice, listening to the banter between Paige and him. Brian ate an amazing number of the golden pancakes before he announced he was stuffed. Saf didn't understand where he managed to put it, he had eaten almost twice the amount that Paige had, and still looked as though he had room for more. She picked up her clothes, or rather Paige's as she hadn't had an opportunity to go home yet, something she wanted to remedy sooner rather than later, and headed for Paige's bedroom to change. She hung the towel up in the bathroom and returned to the living room. Paige and Brian were deep in conversation, and she broke in apologising, "Sorry to interrupt, but I need to go back to my apartment. Can I have a lift?" She had expected some sort of argument, but Paige simply shrugged, "Give me 15 mins and I'll take you by, though of course you will come by for dinner tonight as you are cooking." It was a small price to pay, and if she didn't drink she could go home afterwards. 10.30hrs She threw open the French windows, it smelt closed up, musty. A stiff breeze blew in and papers started moving in the wind. She leant against the window, looking out over the bay; this was her home, her retreat, her sanctuary. She moved through the apartment, clearing out the fridge of foodstuffs past their sell by date, and scrubbed down the surfaces, enjoying the physical work. When she had finished, both she and the apartment were looking better for it, she quickly showered and then headed down the market to pick up some supplies. Dinner tonight was going to be chicken al fredo with a strawberry tart for dessert, in Paige's honour. The strawberries were English and she was sure they would taste as good as they looked in the store. It wouldn't take her long to make the pastry case, and then she could relax. She switched the computer on, reading through the messages and dealing with them as necessary. Gray once more had covered for her with Wolfe Lab, and apparently she was keeping ahead of her work. She downloaded the files to update herself with later and carried on with her browsing. Nothing it seemed required her urgent attention, and even the projects she had set herself didn't attract her to them. She closed down the computer, and returned downstairs. She had 5 hours before she was due back at Paige's place, and needed time to kill. She had two choices; either go out on the track or the Edison facility, the latter won out because of her lack of logged time over the past month. She picked up her keys to the jeep; she didn't have the concentration to take the bike, and headed over to the gym. Mark, a new guy, was on duty. He logged her in and gave her a routine to follow, applying the sensors to monitor her performance. She duly carried out the routines, warming up on the treadmill, then onto the weights before the punishment of the bike. Her performance wasn't much down on her normal levels, but she wasn't going to start dropping below her best. The last part of the two hour routine, was on the mats, just her and Mark, and he was an unknown quantity so she spent some of that time finding out his weaknesses. He was good, and a number of times managed to get her on the floor by twisting out of a hold and flipping it against her. She watched him carefully, and they were well matched by the end, both bowing to the other and meaning it. She showered before heading to the gun range, selecting a Glock 9mm she set the range up for target practice and fired off two magazines without pausing. The range director, tapped up the scores for her and when she saw the marks she knew she was flying high, all of her bullets striking in the 95% mark. She exchange weapons for the H&K laser weapon and went into the simulator, this time a film was replayed via the video headphones, and she had to respond. The sequences lasted for up to 15 mins, and when she came out she was exhausted but happy; once more her scores were in the top range. She showered, changed and signed out, she had time to get home and pick up the food and drive over to Paige's place. The traffic was light and she was nearly home when her cell phone rang, she pulled over to answer it, "Genevieve?" Her old code name for Section, but she couldn't place the voice. She cleared her throat and answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number." Before cutting the line off. She drove back home the rest of the way, slowly, puzzled as to who it could have been and what they wanted; as well as concerned as to which bit of her past was emerging next. Return |
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