| "The Everything" | ||
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Here I am, all alone, situations overwhelming again Be strong I tell myself But I fall right back again Hold on, I think I just realized something Here I am letting you take what you can I won't let this happen again I'm too strong to fall again A light of hope fading more each time I breathe Decide right or wrong, too many roads, A wounded soul in need ~ Strong, by Greenwheel Capricorn Facility May 28, 2008 2100 hours "No." Paige whispered the one word, something she thought she might never do if she had the opportunity to witness a bullet going into Madeline's head. Damn them both for making Saf do that. Damn Saf for condemning Paige to a lifetime of Joshua. It was daunting, how one little shift in momentum, one act, one moment, could change her life...their lives...so profoundly. So intimately. So ultimately. "Jesus Christ," Baz breathed out next to her. She glanced to him briefly before watching as Michael silently directed two operatives to relieve Safara of her weapon. The woman offered no resistance, she looked to be in shock. Not that she shouldn't be, hell, she had just killed, in cold blood, the one person who had made their lives a living hell over the past five or so years. And just like that...Madeline was dead. Just dead. And Paige felt a shallow chill spread through her body. But she couldn't look away, not from the lifeless body on the floor, the armchair warrior that had been relieved of her duties in a Kangaroo Court judged by, of all people - those she had tried to destroy. Fate, it seemed, had a sense of humor after all. The operatives moved about them, not really paying attention to anyone but to Michael and Joshua who directed them here and there, cleaning up bodies, securing other operatives. They had taken not only Saf but Carter as well into custody. The other operatives from Section Four, she assumed, would just be returned under the guise that they had just been following orders. Joshua finally approached them and Paige barely managed to stop the suffering sigh from escaping. It wouldn't help. Nothing helped. Nothing ever helped. A shroud of helplessness descended over her, almost suffocating her. For a moment, she couldn't breathe. Only by the pure force of will did Paige manage to suck in another breath. Just breathing now was an effort. She didn't feel up to answering Joshua's questions. But she would have to. He would make her. "You alright?" he nodded her way. "Yeah," she choked out as he turned his attention thankfully to Baz and her shroud enveloped her again. "How ya doing?" Baz nodded his head, "fine," he said flatly. Poor Baz, he still didn't have a clue what was going on. "I'm sorry," Joshua said turning to look at the lab, "that you had to see this. We don't usually like our dirty laundry being aired out. But," he extended his hand to Baz, "if you hadn't called me...I don't know what the outcome would have been." Baz stared at him for a moment before reaching out and shaking his hand. "I don't understand exactly everything that just happened..." "I know, it's confusing, and I can't tell you everything, but I can tell you enough so that you don't think I'm a complete prick." Baz grinned, "I dunno about that, you have some serious character flaws." Joshua grinned back, "I know, but I'm trying here." So that was it. Just like that Joshua had worked himself right back into good graces with Baz. A smile, a handshake, an admission of guilt, everything was just getting peachy fucking keen. And now...now she would stand alone. Just like she did before. Well, not all alone, Joshua would be by her side. "Who's the kid?" Hmph, Joshua even knew who to direct the questioning at. "I dunno, really," Baz shrugged, "he was here when we got here. Some prodigy kid, does the math thing or something. He helped with Capricorn though I can't say I understood any of it." "Where is he?" She heard the tiny change in inflection in his voice and her heart rate sped up. The shroud was pierced by alarm like a sunbeam through a thick cloud layer. "He stays with me," she said with a tinge of threat to her tone. Joshua's eyes flicked to her. The humorous gleam from before was replaced with a glowing predator like one. "Where is he?" Joshua repeated. "He stays with me, Joshua. You're not taking him." He smirked at her. It never mattered what the situation was, he always managed that little smirk. "I didn't say I was. I just want to know where he is so we can all get the hell out of here." She shook her head, "no, I know what you're thinking, he stays with me. I'll make sure he gets back to where he needs to." Joshua stood smirking at her for a moment longer before he finally shrugged, "fine with me." She turned to Baz. "I'll get him," he said before she could ask. Paige turned back to Joshua. Birkoff was apparently finished with copying all the computer files, what was left of them because he approached them. "I've downloaded everything," he announced softly. "Good," Joshua said never taking his eyes off Paige. "I'll take these guys home and contact you in a couple hours." Birkoff nodded, "hey Paige." Paige smiled, "hey Birkoff." Birkoff cast a wary glance at Joshua before nodding to her and walking away. She felt a twinge of regret not being able to talk to him. Anything more than just a 'hey' would have made her feel better. But she was glad he was still alive, even if he was still with Them. "We're about ready to leave," Michael said quietly. Joshua turned to him. "I've got some things to take care of here but I'll be in touch." Michael nodded and without a glance to her followed Birkoff. Baz and Brian were now back in the lab and Paige smiled as they approached. It was awkward and it was forced and surely Brian would see that but it was necessary, though she wasn't sure to who's benefit it was. "He listens well," Baz said tousling the boy's hair. Brian squirmed away from him and stood looking up to Joshua. Paige watched Joshua carefully not knowing how to react to these two meeting. But Joshua got down on one knee so he was almost eye level with Brian and extended his hand. "Joshua," he said with a smile. And it wasn't a smirk, it was one of his smiles that actually looked genuine...if you didn't know him any better. "They call me Brian," the boy said with a shy grin though he placed his tiny hand in Joshua's. His eyes shined up at Joshua in admiration, so innocent, so ignorant of what those hands (always these hands) were capable of doing under the direction of the devious brain they answered to. "Well, it's nice to meet you Brian," Joshua said giving it a little shake. "What do you do?" Brian asked him quietly. Oh god. Brian couldn't think that Joshua was like them! Why would he think that? Why would he ask? Joshua did not work on their plane, didn't get the connection, and didn't deserve that recognition. Or did he? What did Brian sense that she hadn't? Joshua was intelligent, there was no denying that...but still...to put him in the same place that she was? No, there had to be something else. Or did she overlook the obvious, so blinded by Joshua's presence that she failed to notice or to sense that something else lurked under the surface besides that menacing intensity. "I'm in charge, sort of," Joshua answered easily awaiting the next question. Brian however seemed satisfied with that. "You'll send me back to the school then?" he asked, finally dismissing Joshua and taking a look around the lab. "No, I think Paige can do that." Brian looked up to her, "yeah?" Paige nodded, "go on with Baz and Jordan. We'll be out in a minute." Brian nodded his head happily and grabbed Baz's hand. Jordan, who had come upon the conversation gave her one look before turning to follow them. She leveled her eyes with Joshua. This was it. They were finally alone and the game was over. The cards were all laid out on the table for them to see and the smell of both victory and defeat hung perceptibly in the air. Now it was just a matter of counting and divvying up the ante. He twitched and stood up moving a little closer to her. "So what the fuck was that before, huh?" She just stared at him trying not to be intimidated. What was that? That was Paige's last attempt to make sense of what had happened. A last ditch effort to find the truth that she had not wanted to believe, to unlock the secret she believed Joshua had been keeping. When he wanted to keep something a secret, you wouldn't know it until it hit you right in the face. Another one of Joshua's many talents. But she suspected anyway that there was something else, something more, or something less, she was never quite sure. She tried to pin it on many things, like the menacing intensity, or the aching tenderness, or the expression on his face when he looked at her a certain way, guilt, hate, anger, regret, vulnerability, something. God, it always had to be something else didn't it? "Huh?," he glared at her, "Joshua and Michael have been gathering intel...I know...I saw it? What the fuck was that?" He demanded her explanation. Demanded always, something of her. Sometimes, that something seemed like nothing, something casual and innocent in its meaning. But sometimes, he would demand something crafty, clandestine...something dark, the kind of something that made people shiver. Never did he demand an explanation for her behavior. Not once had he asked her why she had done something. He always just knew, she assumed. He knew her better than she knew herself. Perhaps that's why he demanded this explanation from her now. Because certainly he believed she had known. Perhaps even known all along and had simply looked past it, looked beyond what was right in front of her. "You fucking answer me," he growled at her. Her eyes flashed as her head tilted slightly. "Madeline was telling the truth, wasn't she?" Joshua narrowed his eyes for a moment before that smirk began tugging at the corner of his lips. "You son of a bitch," she seethed and drew back slapping him across the face with her casted hand. He made no effort to defend himself and his head snapped to the side with the force of the blow. He brought his hand up to his mouth wiping it briefly, the cast leaving a series of deep scratches bleeding just along his lip. "I thought you figured that out already," he said evenly. If she didn't know any better, she thought there might have been a trace of disbelief there. "Figured it out?" Paige shook her head, "what? And then just went along with it?" she asked. He looked at her confused for a moment, "yeah." Paige's mouth dropped open a little in disbelief. Yeah? That was his response? But the moment had been lost and not capitalized on so Joshua shook himself free of any confusion taking control once again of the conversation. "Madeline was telling the truth," he said finally, flatly, seemingly disappointed the game had not been as entertaining as he thought it might be. Paige was right then. She thought Madeline was actually telling the truth, that there were too many holes in Joshua's stories and actions, too many variables, loose ends and such. Of course, they were hard to see if you looked at them individually, but if you looked at the bigger picture, well, then, then there was something to see. Good old Maddy probably never saw that coming. She was smart, no one would dispute that, and smarts went a long way in this business. And she was strong. She had that strength to keep herself going despite all the turmoil around her that others simply did not possess. Strength was strength, and Madeline was strong, but sometimes, there were things that there were no safeguards against, no shielding, no preparation. Madeline got taken down hard. She had dropped her guard and was sideswiped completely off the tracks and Joshua could be thanked for that. And despite all the smarts and strength Madeline possessed, in the end all she had left was the truth. Funny, how the one time Madeline used the truth...it killed her. You could choke on the irony. "You set her up," Paige said, her voice a hoarse whisper, "from the beginning. You set her up. You set me up. Saf, everyone." Joshua got that look on his face for a moment. The one where he was annoyed that he had to explain that which should be painfully obvious. But it was gone quickly, replaced by the rigid blankness that usually only accompanied him on missions. "You know as well as I do that you can't take Section down from the inside. That's been done ad nauseum and all to no avail, no results. They all failed." "So, you decide to take it out from the outside?" Joshua shrugged, "gotta try something different. And we won't take it out...just a little reshuffling of the deck." "During the restructuring of Section you bury her project, knowing damn well she'll continue with it. You take all your intel, give it to me and wipe it from Section computers. You know Madeline is already suspicious of you and Michael, you just gave her a red flag to hunt down. You pull the files from Carter's computers, purposely getting caught on video so she knows you did it, hide the files with me because she knows that's the only place you could put everything. You destroy the data she needs so she's forced to get me, gets her files, and now it's a race to see who gets the completed project first. Who gets the technology that you both know can take down Section and grant absolute power with whatever's leftover. Then you come in here with your guns and engage her in a game of her word against yours. Which you knew she would lose." "You're a bright girl, that's why I love you so much," Joshua grinned approvingly. Paige snorted her disgust. "And the chemical...you give it to Saf, blame it on Madeline, because really, why would we NOT think it was Madeline behind it. So that when push comes to shove, when the final overture is being played, you know Saf will be the one to pull the trigger thereby leaving you and Michael free and clear of any charges." "She was always our greatest ally, even if she didn't know it. But actually," Joshua said brightly, "I can't take credit for that one, as much as I would like to. That was Michael's idea, the chemical. We filched it from a Red Cell operative and Michael worked out the plan. Brilliant, huh?" "Yes, Joshua, you must be so proud of yourself," Paige said dryly. Joshua shrugged, "yeah, I am. It all worked out in the end. I got my way. I played the game and I won. And you know I always win." "And what about Saf?" "Don't worry about her. She's a good op, a great op, she deserves to stay alive as much as Madeline deserved to die. We'll protect her." Joshua moved closer to Paige. "I'll protect her. I'll make sure she gets back here." Was she supposed to feel grateful for that? "And Carter?" "He needs to recover those files you so nicely deleted. By the way, thank you for doing that," he said sarcastically. "My pleasure," she replied. "And his wife?" "Madeline had some resources on it but that will be pulled. It's been six years, I think it's safe to say the chick is dead." Paige nodded her head. "You will tell him, though?" "Yeah," Joshua sighed. "I suppose closure is gonna suck for him but he's got to move on with his life, even if that's within Section walls." Paige shook her head. "I just don't know what lengths you won't go through to get your way." Joshua looked at her seriously. "I do whatever I have to." "You've done nothing but lie to me from the beginning. One thing, though, I don't think you lied to me about." She studied him carefully, "that you are going to cancel me." Joshua took a step back, "I haven't," he paused for a moment, unsure of himself, "I haven't worked that out...all yet." "Why?" she whispered. He took a deep breath. "Because you...you played an integral part in this plan. You were one of the key components...but somewhere along the way...you weren't a component anymore. I can't..." he shook his head lowering his gaze to the floor. "You pathetic piece of shit," she hissed at him earning a darkened glare. "You strip me down, you make me want you, twist everything up so bad I can't even think straight. You burn me into nothing...nothing. Even when I knew it was happening you made me forget it and overlook it. You made me one of your possessions...and you...you with your intensity and your intimidation and your sex...you're so strong, so smart, and you start this," she took hold of his hand that held his gun and pulled it under her chin. "You don't even have the balls to finish it?" He stared at her intensely, gripping the weapon tightly. "You finish what you started you son of a bitch..." "I can't," he said simply. "I can't." His hand softly relaxed its grip. Paige let go of the weapon and it dropped to his side. She trembled not understanding him at all. It was like being in total control and not having any all at the same time. "What's wrong with you? Why can't you just do it?" "I can't, because...it wasn't supposed to be like this. Not between us. It wasn't supposed to be me." He took a deep breath watching her closely. "Michael was supposed to be here, he was the one that was supposed to handle you, be in control of you. But I pulled rank on him, I overrode the decision and took the position meant for him." "Why?" she demanded. "Because from the second I saw you...there was just something there. Something I couldn't quite figure out and it was killing me, burning me up not knowing what it was. I had to figure it out. I...I had to find out what it was. And I didn't know what it was. Didn't know I was looking for something. But I was. I was searching for something. And I didn't know I was even searching...until you showed me." "Don't do this," Paige took a step away from him. "Please, don't...don't do this now after everything else you've done." But he would. She knew he would. He pulled his hand through his hair clearly frustrated. He started to walk away then turned, stopping suddenly as if another thought had suddenly occurred to him. "I have something to say...to you." He faced her again but still not near enough to touch her. "And you can take it for what it's worth and do what you will with it." "You don't trust me," Joshua said softly. "But I know you, Paige, I know you've never trusted me. You've never felt safe with me. And if it's that that you want...safety...you'll have to find it in someone else's arms. And you may think you love that person...but you'll never be in love with that person. Because you've been there before, you know what that kind of love is...it's bullshit. It can be taken away just as quickly as it's given out. It's transient...it's not real." "What I give you is real. My kind of love isn't safe, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it's all it's cracked up to be, but it'll be the best damn thing you've ever had in your life. You wanna live life, sweetness? You really want to live? Well you gotta take the danger. You gotta take the risks. You gotta take the pain, the blood, and the scars. You gotta take what's best...and all that I can give you, the good and the bad...and you have to take that. You have to take the kind of love I give you because it's the only kind that matters." "You've felt it...you've felt the passion because I've felt it, too. I've felt it burn me so badly I couldn't even breathe. That's what real. That's what I give you. And this?" He stretched out his arm. "This doesn't mean shit...this world. It's made up by other people, games with rules made so we can't win. It's made of things we can't control, but we can control each other. We can own each other. Mutual ownership. I own you...and you own me. When we're together, alone, stripped down into that fire...that is what's real, that is what we can control, that means everything. I give you that, I give you everything, every breath and every part of me...because I can't give you anything else." "And I'd think you'd at least respect that." He finally stopped letting his words, his ideas, sink in for both of them. He had moved closer to her as he spoke, he was so close now. She could smell him, his scent mingled with blood and sweat, overwhelming, intoxicating. And his eyes...eyes that were so deep, had so many layers of unrestrained emotion, that it was easy to lose oneself in them. Then he leaned down and covered his mouth over hers in something so sweetly intimate, so amazingly tender, so filled with compassion, grace and hope, that it would have been an insult to call it a simple kiss. When their lips had parted he had taken her breath with him, the last little piece of her was finally sacrificed. She lifted a hand pushing a stray lock of blonde streaked hair from his face. "I don't know what I can give you," she whispered. He whispered back, "you will. You just need some time to figure that out." She nodded her head pressing her lips. She was too overwhelmed to say anything more and she watched him only for a moment longer before he finally backed away from her. He nodded towards the door, "they're waiting for us." She nodded following him out into the darkness and to his truck Baz was in the front seat and Jordan and Brian were in the back. Joshua opened the door for her and she got in. She gave a reassuring nod to Jordan who watched her curiously as Brian curled himself up between them with his head on Paige's lap. Joshua got in the drivers seat and started the truck and dialed his cell phone all in one quick motion. "Michael, we're moving out. Blow it in five minutes." Then he simply hung it up not waiting for a reply. Paige stroked Brian's hair and leaned her head against the window as they began the long ride home... Return |
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