| "A Sense of Failure" | ||
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June 13, 2008 SH1 : 04.45hrs It was hard to keep it together when inside all she wanted to do was to fall apart. But Section had trained her all too well, her face was composed, but she kept replaying the scenes of his death, over and over again, in her mind. She had snapped into whatever logic defined her life, Jordan was directed to bring the detectives car back to HQ and Bella to drive the van while she outlined the problem to Gray. Some cold part of her was able to make those rational decisions, as though nothing serious had happened that couldn't be dealt with. When they had got back to SH1 she had gone with the rest of them to the briefing room, answered the same questions with the inevitability that nothing would change, could change from the events that had unfolded earlier that day. Even at the end, they were not dismissed to go, but to wait on whatever judgement Gray and Rebecca would pass on them. She held no great hopes for an easy ride; in fact it might have been easier to have accepted cancellation when this had all started those few months ago. So much pain and so little in the way of a future without death and destruction. Bella handed out pictures, she took hers without saying anything, her voice stilled by the night's events� it was a picture of Baz, in typical macho pose, his eyes crinkled at the corner, just as though he was about to crack a bad joke; it was him to a T and the thought of never hearing his voice again was too painful. She spoke quietly, her voice soft, "That Bella sure is something", she held up her picture of Baz before folding it up and tucking it into her jacket. The other two nodded in agreement looking down at their own pictures of their fallen comrade, it was Jordan who replied, "She's got Baz down to a T, including that glitter in his eyes. He was one of us, he was us." She fell silent, lost in her own thoughts. Paige picked up the conversation, almost as though the quiet could be avoided, but of course it couldn't. "Bella has this intuition about her�she sees things that are hidden but they aren't. You know?" Paige commented. The silence took over, grew, and finally encompassed them for a long while. Finally, breaking the silence she spoke what they had all been thinking, "What do you think is going to happen to Alpha now?" Jordan stared at Saf, but it was Paige who said quietly "Who knows, but we cannot stay as three, so we'll likely be gaining a new member," Paige replied. "And whoever that person is, he or she had damn well know what they are doing." It was as though a wall had broken, "No kidding, we don't need any half-ass person." Jordy replied, it was clear to all of them: who could really replace Baz and what he had brought to the team? Each of them wanted and needed time to digest the changes wrought by the death of their friend and team-mate, Jordan went first, and then she couldn't sit there any longer; she knew Paige would understand. She headed for the roof, a solitary cat walking alone; it was as it should be. The greyness of the pre-dawn surrounded her, and she sat against a wall, shivering slightly in the cool breeze. She had no tears for Baz, only a deep sorrow at his unnecessary death, while she had recognized his position as the backbone in their team, she hadn't been as close to him as the others and she knew that Alpha team as it had existed, had no future. She felt the burden of having had the leadership of their mission, which ultimately had led to Baz's death and replayed it through to see if she had changed any of the parameters whether it would have changed the outcome. If she had told him to abort, but she had kept to the mission parameters, not blowing the meet. If she had permitted Paige to leave the van earlier, would she have had enough time to cover Baz? Nothing detracted from the outcome; no matter what, Baz would still be dead. Her responsibilities were here and in the future; she could not change the past. No analysis would take away the guilt she felt, but she could deny it, deny the feelings and the hurt. The door opened, letting light flood over her, "I though you might be up here," Paige's voice was quiet. Saf didn't speak for a moment, and then said quietly, "I just needed a bit of time to myself." The silence was somehow shattered by that simple statement, the noise of the traffic below started to edge into the moment, and any tranquillity gained by being up here was now lost and would not be regained. She stood up slowly, taking a breath before turning to Paige, "How are you doing?" "Fine, I guess," was the response. It was clear that she didn't want to discuss the events surrounding Baz's death. Saf tried a different tack, "How's Jordan doing?" She hated how calm her voice sounded, winced at the iciness she could hear in it, but seemed powerless to change her direction. "Dunno." It was as though she couldn't get through to Paige, and she wondered whether she had actually come to find out where she was, or to find the solitude that Saf had got for herself. Well if it was the latter, she could have it, with the oncoming dawn, her peace had gone and so had her need for being alone. She mumbled something in passing to the effect that she would find out for herself and left Paige on the roofspace to her own thoughts. She slowly took the stairs down to the lounge and looked for Jordan; the room was empty and she curled up on one of the couches in the corner; she had just made herself comfortable when Jordan came in and threw herself down on the other couch. It was clear to her that Jordan was upset over something recent. She got up and poured herself and Jordan tea, and took the cup over, placing it on the table nearby, she spoke softly "I've brought you a cup of tea and find out how you are doing?" Jordan turned to stare at her slowly, Saf could see how red her eyes were, it was obvious that she hadn't slept a wink and no doubt, if she looked in a mirror, her own reflection would be similar she was certain. They chatted for a while, or that was how she remembered it later, when she had time to think about it. Jordan was happy to share her feelings, unlike herself, and she could see that she would be alright if there was such a thing. Baz's death had left a hole, but Jordan was coping ok, they would make it out to the other side, they could do no less for his memory than to survive and do the best job they could do. The door opened to reveal Paige, who walked heavily in and slumped onto a sofa across from them, Saf could see the anger bubbling under the surface, but didn't know how to start and it was Jordan who spoke, "How goes it, Paige?" Jordan asked. Her response was short, "It sucks. How goes it with you?" Jordan's voice was quiet and calm, "About the same...sucks." Saf opened her mouth to say something positive, but found herself asking, "Have you told Brian yet?" the boy was, she corrected herself, had been close to Baz. He would take the news hard and Paige was the next closest thing the boy had to family. They had a connection that was more than just a link between similar minds, it was as though Paige saw him as a young nephew or even brother. Paige shook her head, it was obvious to Saf that she hadn't given it a thought until she had brought the subject up, yet another occasion she wished that she had kept her mouth shut. It was Jordan who sustained the conversation, afterwards she found she couldn't even remember what they had spoken about, only that they had fallen silent when Joshua had entered the room. It was as though he was a glacier, icy cold air drifting before his wake and making her shiver at the drop in temperature. He took a seat in one of the chairs, in their group and launched right into his positive management speech, "Hey guys, I heard what happened to Baz and...basically...you have to put it past you. You have things to do, things to accomplish. If you have any lingering feelings, I highly suggest you lose them." Saf looked through him, not willing to acknowledge him or the fact that what he was saying was true, no-one else was speaking either, and he asked coldly, "Is that going to be a problem?" She felt like a rabbit in a car's headlights, eventually, slowly she shook her head in acknowledgement as her answer, not daring to look at the others, but a wave of anger swept over her which she forced down. "Good," he said evenly getting up. "I didn't think it would be a problem," he said before stalking away. 06.50hrs Jordan was the first to speak, "Well, that certainly was motivational." Saf simply shook her head in disgust unable to voice an opinion, knowing he was right and acknowledging it, was two different things. Paige got up, with a quiet voice and said, "I'm going to tell Brian." Saf watched her go, it was hard to lose someone, but to have to explain to someone like Brian, it was going to be difficult. She got up, ready to follow, to offer what support she could. Once outside the door, she looked for Paige, but it was as though she had vanished. She stood in the corridor undecided as to what to do next, when Rebecca appeared outside her office and beckoned to her to come in. Saf felt a sense of foreboding, something had been decided, but what? Return |
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