I remember during the war...

A tribute to the madness of old people.

I don't know if it's something that happens to your body around the age of sixty like wrinkles, loss of teeth and the aroma of urine but it sure seems to me that all old people everywhere are clearly mad.
The first thing that exposes this madness is their affinity with shopping. I  don't mean like dancing around Tescos on aThrusday night before the pub shuts, I mean going to the local co-op or whatever EVERYDAY. Why?! What in the name of God do they buy? Do they eat that much? NO and yet there is a law that everyday come hail or shine my Nan will be "just off to the shops dear" and what does she come back with? Three cans of Spam, two tins of cat food and a newspaper. Things that, had she left it another day we would all have surely starved to death without.
Which brings me to my next point, old people love telling you who's died this week. When I was young I used to think my Nan made it up, there is no way, I thought, that all those people could have known my Nan and just dropped dead all at once. But now I realised that all the people didn't die yesterday or last week but perhaps months or years ago, yet in her muddled old brain they all died at once, and whenever another one pops off they all have to go with him or her.
Then there is the ubiquitous discussion of who in fact they are talking about, because despite supposedly knowing the deceased for an unimaginable length of time they cannot remember the late individuals name. So what ensues is a convoluted description of how this person is known to any of the people presently listening. Usually this discussion is confused further by my mum (who you would think had learnt by now) saying such things as "Didn't he marry the Jones girl?" or "I thought they had moved to Chalfont St Peter". It quickly becomes clear to everyone that my mother is in fact thinking of someone completely different. Clear to all except my mum who now refuses to acknowledge that she is in any way in error and continues to persevere with discussing someone's death when in fact that person is alive and well...much to my Nan's confusion and leading her to say "Oh has the husband of the Jones girl died as well?"
Now my Nan is a lovely old dear and before I get a whole lorry load of complaining e-mails from angry septagenarians I want to make it clear that this is a tribute page and not in anyway meant as an insult. How many septuagenarians do you know that can set a VCR let alone turn on a computer and send me an angry e-mail?

Philbert Spray


If anyone would like to contribute further to the madness e-mail Jodie. If you DO want to send an angry e-mail send it to Phil.

This is my Grandma (Jodie's grandma)...under no circumstances am I suggesting she's mad...well not much anyway!

Sorry I know there is a distinct lack of pictures here (let alone dancing gifs of old people..which would be incredibly funny) but you don't know how hard it is to find pics of near dead people on the net!! I mean near dead in the nicest most possible way!!!!