Why the makers of Vaseline are so frigging rich

oh yeah I also do not own Vaseline, love the shampoo though

Warnings: a little Relena bashing, come on let a girl have a little fun

a lot of reference to sex but nothing really explicit….sorry

a really bad attempt at being funny

misuse of Vaseline's petroleum jelly

Why the makers of Vaseline are so friggin rich

Heero looked up and wiped his hands on the towel slung over his shoulder, that rumbling must be his lover.

"Waaaaaaai! I'm late!" he came careening down the stairs trying to put on his socks and shoes at the same time. Heero's eyes looked at him apprehensively then he saw it. Duo missed his footing and began to fall. His lover stepped in caught him in his arms preventing his face from molding with the floor.

"Heh, Heero-koi! Can't keep your hands off this sexy bod huh?" he winked. Heero just looked at him and let him fall to the floor. "Ow!" Duo got up rubbing his bottom. Heero looked at his lover, he was so damn cute he wanted to tear off all his half-worn clothes.

"Gyaaa! If I'm late again Hilde will have my head!" he said looking at his wristwatch.

"Duo you own the yard." Heero pointed out.

"Yeah try to tell HER that!" he said buttoning his shirt "That bitch started putting penalties on late comers. And I have been late six times already so there might be nothing left of my paycheck at the end of the week." He said blowing air from his mouth and making his bangs flutter.

"How can you be late six times? Its only Wednesday!" Heero frowned not seeing the logic.

"Heh I'm not sure myself."

"…"

"Oh no, she is actually the one that handles everything, I just talk to the customers and help with all the manual stuff. She's the boss!" he smiled. He smoothed his hair and looked at his lover. Heero sighed, inwardly of course.

"Oh shit!" Duo cursed looking up at the wall clock.

"Duo…"

"No time Heero, maybe when I get back we can ruffle the sheets a little." He said picking his duffel bag and heading toward the front door.

"Duo…"

"Ok ok maybe a quick one…" he said pulling Heero toward him.

"No you idiot! Are you sure you're not forgetting anything?" he asked whacking him on the head.

" Lessee extra shirt check, wallet check, goggles its at work, gloves also at work…" he continues counting off his fingers. "First aid kit yeah its at work that’s where I steal our supply of Vaseline." he winked.

"Hmmm… keys to the truck check, Heero's picture check" he pulled out a framed picture of a scowling Heero from somewhere in his pants Heero-style, gave it a quick kiss before stuffing it back, Heero raised an eyebrow "Deodorant?" he sniffed his armpits. "cheeeeck! Ok all set!" he smiled as they reached the front door.

"Duo…"

"Gotta go love talk to ya later!" he waved but he 'eeped' as Heero pulled his braid and turned him around to give him a kiss, or rather he crushed his lips on his. "Oh yeah I forgot to get my lips bruised." He smiled when he got free of Heero's grasp.

He began to back the truck from their driveway Heero scowling as he did so. He got out on the street and began to accelerate. Heero was about to close the door when he heard the screeching of tires. He groaned. Duo backed into his view once more.

"Oh Heeeeeeroooo" he mimicked Relena. "Thanks for the sandwiches love!" he said dangling the paper bag Heero had shoved into his hands as he kissed him goodbye. Heero turned an interesting shade of red and slammed the door at the still dancing paper bag.

"Hahaa! Oh that was cute!" Duo laughed. Revving his engine as he waited for people to get out of the way before raging down the road.

***

"Hhhhmmmmm." Heero Yuy, first order spy for the Preventers, deadliest weapon alive, stealth operative, all around spying-killing-if-you-don’t-want-questions-asked kinda guy and housemaid for Duo Maxwell tapped his fingers as he re-read the mission on the screen. He was going to have to leave for Quatre's colony after lunch, kill a couple of terrorist, blow up their base, then return before dinner. Hmmm just enough time to have tea with the fags er guys.

"Good I'll be able to talk to Trowa and maybe if I'm lucky Duo won't even know I'm gone…" who am I kidding that bloody idiot calls every thirty minutes just to check up on me.

He sighed and prepared his 'spy-case'. Putting six handguns, four different kinds of explosives, a shotgun, his laptop, on second thought…he left it on the bed, his passport, two automatics, clips, detonating devices, a nuclear warhead, his wallet, toiletries, his own framed picture of Duo and a spare green tanktop and spandex shorts just in case. He closed his little attaché case, yes it all fit and took a shower.

***

"You're late!" Hilde greeted him.

"And a good morning to you too!" he smiled placing his bag on his cluttered desk.

"Oh and could you please stop exhausting our supply of petroleum jelly?" she said rummaging through the first-aid-kit, her wounded finger raised.

"I consider it beneath me to take office equipment." He said putting his feet on his desk.

"Yeah but you still do it anyway!"

"And what makes you think I take the Vaseline?"

"Who else would take it?"

"I dunno some crazy weirdo that has cravings for these things." Hilde shot him an oh-please! look and he gulped. "Besides what else is it good for aside from…"

"What did you say?"

"I said what happened to your finger?"

"I was doing an inventory when my hand got caught in the door hinge."

"That's what you get for being so stingy with the Vaseline." He mumbled.

"What?"

"I said I think I'll go home and eat lunch there today."

"Umhmm and put some of the Vaseline you stole into good use." He stuck his tongue out at her.

***

"Oh Heero! Well this is a surprise!" Quatre greeted him cheerfully ignoring the screams of agony and burning people running around behind his visitor.

"Hmm." He greeted stepping in.

"Just in time for tea!" he chirped.

***

Duo looked at the pot of unopened Vaseline he placed on the tabletop. Darn and just when I was feeling romantic!

He sighed and began to walk around the apartment trying to find something to alleviate his boredom and growing frustration. If only he knew where Heero's mission was but he took his laptop with him.

He stopped, on their bed lay the little black romance-killer! Heero must have left it behind thinking the mission would be over in a couple of hours. Duo bounced in glee plopping down on the bed and turning the contraption on.

It took him a couple of minutes to hack into the files, stopping for a moment and squealing in delight when he saw little chibi Duos walking around the computer screen. He finally pieced together the deleted mission file and found out his koi's location.

The bluish glow of the computer highlighted the evil smile on Duo's face and he let out an evil laugh to match his evil smile.

"We might put that Vaseline to good use after all!" he hollered in triumph pocketing his passport and heading towards the den to pick up the pot of petroleum jelly.

***

"Terrorists?"

He nodded.

"C23 explosives?"

He nodded once more. Trowa was a stimulating conversationalist!

"So…"

"So." He looked at his former comrade.

"Green tea or Earl gray?"

"Green."

"Ok."

"..."

"Duo?"

"Home."

"Loud?"

"Unbearably."

"Ok."

"..."

"One lump or two?"

"None thank you."

"Ok."

"..."

"Quatre's redecorating."

"I noticed."

"French Country."

"Oh."

"Nice huh?"

"Uhm."

"So you wanted to ask me something?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Coz otherwise you would've gone straight home to screw like jackrabbits."

"Perceptive."

"Thank you."

"I wanted to…"

"Yes…"

"uh…" he swallowed. "I wanted to know how to…uh…"

"Hmmm?"

"How to ask Duo to marry me." he dropped his eyes to the floor his face burning.

Just then Quatre came walking into the parlor, his frilly pink apron on with his matching bunny mittens, carrying a tray of cookies.

"What's new with you Heero?" he asked smiling.

"He's going to ask Duo to marry him." Trowa said putting down his cup. Quatre's jaw dropped and the two other former pilots were pelted with hot cookies falling from the ceiling as the tray slipped from the gurly man's hands.

***

"wha…?" he asked sitting down.

"I said Heero is going to ask Duo to marry him." Heero was too stunned to react.

"Oh my…" Quatre whispered, and just when Heero was starting to get suspicious Quatre's face brightened. "This is wonderful!"

Trowa smiled at his husband. "Oh what did you have in mind Heero?" the blonde asked. "I sure hope you weren't gonna point a gun to his head and threaten to shoot him if he said no." he laughed but when he saw the guilty look in Heero's face he stopped abruptly.

"Oh my!"

"I wasn't gonna kill him, just maybe maim him." he said defensively. The couple looked incredulously at the now furiously blushing spy.

"It's not done that way Heero!" Quatre huffed. "It's gotta be romantic!"

"How did you do it?" he asked irritated at the dreamy tone.

"Weeelllll we had candlelight, a string quartet, some champagne…"

"Some Vaseline." Trowa helped. But his lover just blushed and swatted him on the arm.

"This has to be grand! I won't let Duo's one and only dream to come true in some seedy hotel room with a gun barrel staring him down." Heero felt another jab at what he called creativity.

"Wait a minute!" he said trying to stop Quatre.

"I've got to call my florist, I know this caterer that is absolutely divine! Of course we could play for you in the background…"

"I haven't even proposed yet." He pointed out.

"Oh that’s trivial, put it in a fortune cookie or something." He said going off to make his gurly phone calls hiring a wedding planner to the yet non-existent wedding.

"A tip, get him to drink a whole lot of alcohol and drug him real good, that was how I was duped." Trowa said going after Quatre.

Heero sighed, well that was pointless.

He let himself out of the house inferring that they were already busy with other matters.

***

"WAAaAh HEEEEEEROOOO!" he winced as he heard the familiar grating noise.

"Relena come closer and I will break both your legs…again!" he said.

"Is it true? Heero my love say it isn't so!"

"Whatever it is its true." He said turning away from her.

"Are you going to marry Duo on Thursday?" she asked. He stopped.

"Listen you psycho battleaxe get it through your thick head. I'm gay! G-A-Y gay! And Duo Maxwell is my lover."

"Duo Maxwell is the devil!" she sputtered and before the perfect soldier could react, Relena's bodyguards stunned him and they all drove away in her pink limousine.

***

"Hello?" he called as he stepped into Quatre's mansion. It was quiet and it seemed to be deserted.

"Odd, I thought that he would pass by here seeing as he isn’t home yet."

He wandered around the house and stopped as he came to a door with strange sounds coming from within.

"Geez it's three in the afternoon for crying out loud!" he said peeking in the slightly opened door.

Disregarding the fact that he had the same thing in mind three hours earlier.

After some time…

"Whoa! That little guy can bend!" he chuckled. Then something dawned on him.

So he left the Winner mansion, the two occupants not even knowing that he stopped by and continuing to make the makers of Vaseline even richer.

***

He murmured putting down the receiver of the payphone. He sat on a bench listening to old ladies gossiping on the bench beside his.

"Yes, did you see that?"

"It was hideous…" at the mention of the word hideous Duo stood up, it could only mean one thing.

If there were hideous things lying about, say a pink limo or badly paired designer clothes it could only mean one thing…

"Relena!"

***

He ground his teeth. He knew where he was the moment his eyes fell upon the mirror on the ceiling and the plushy pink bed covering. His brain still fizzled, damn that stunner was good! I should steal one and use it on Relena when she becomes irritating again.

He sat up, checking if anything was missing. Damn they took all my James Bond gadgets! He surveyed the room, wincing at the pinkness of it all. His eyes fell upon a small table with candles and incense, ropes of flowers surrounded a framed picture and he cringed realizing it was his.

"Heeeeerrrrrooooo!" he searched frantically for a weapon and ended up with a pink flower vase filled with pink flowers. Relena entered the room a tray of food in her hands. "What are you gonna do? Practice the art of Ikebana and bore me to death? Hahaha!"

"No I was gonna use the blunt end of the vase to bludgeon you to death." He stated. Relena swallowed.

"I don't think you'd do that."

"Give me one reason not to."

"Coz if you do Duo Maxwell will die!" he put down the vase.

"Talk."

"That collar you have on," she pointed at the pink furry thing around Heero's neck. "Is rigged so that if you step one foot out of this house your apartment, the scrap yard, Duo' s truck and everywhere else he might be in will blow up." She smiled sweetly.

"…"

"Oh don't try to take it off, coz you won't I had the best work on that. "

The best relative to whom? This was Heero Yuy we were talking about! But he decided he wouldn't risk it and sat down on the bed forming a plan of escape. Relena laughed and walked out of the room. Heero couldn't resist he threw the vase and got her right on the back of her head.

He grunted satisfied.

***

Duo dressed in a black turtleneck shirt, black leather pants, black doc martens, black socks…don't forget black silky underwear… uh black silky underwear and a black bandana tied across his nose came tiptoeing inside the Peacecraft mansion.

He had to wince at it…man Malibu Barbie gone horribly wrong!

The whole thing was pink.

***

Zechs came whistling down the corridor, two champagne glasses in one hand and a bottle of champagne (duh!) in the other. He passed by his little sister's room and he heard little welding sounds and as he crossed the doorway he saw Heero sitting on the bed twiddling his thumbs. As he went past the door he again heard little welding sounds. He backtracked a little and saw Heero still sitting on the bed. He continued again and again the sounds! So he decided to go into the room.

"So Yuy, I see she kidnapped you once again." He smirked leaning on the dresser.

"I am seriously thinking about pressing charges." He answered.

"Hmmmm I don't think that's wise. She is after all queen of the world." he said pouring himself a glass of champagne. "So I heard you and Maxwell got hitched."

"What?"

"Sure is a shame, that boy had an ass I could have slapped all day." He grinned. Heero's eye twitched. "And that mouth…must be mighty talented. Hmmmhmm. And those lips fuller than …"

"I…will…kill…you." Heero muttered as he got up on his feet. Zechs stepped backward once as Heero lunged for him, he stopped suddenly and was pulled back in the recoil as the chain attached to his collar reached its end.

"Hahahahaha Yuy, still haven't got to the wedding night eh?"

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be home getting whipped?" he said rubbing his neck.

"What are you insinuating?"

"That you are WHIPPED!"

"Noin and I are happily married…"

"With a gazillion kids."

"Seven kids, another on the way and I, for your information, am the man of the house! She does what I tell her to do!"

"Sure, sure."

"Hey! When I yell for her she comes running, when I tell her I am hungry she cooks a feast, when I want my clothes washed…"

"You use fabric softener?"

"Only on the coloreds the whites have to be bleached with scented bleach coz Noin doesn't like the smell." Heero raised his eyebrow in triumph. "Aww shit! I am not whipped YUY!"

"Where is Noin now?"

"How the hell should I know? She always leaves me with the kids, never takes me out anymore and she always comes home late! I have needs too! A guy needs a break once in a while!"

"There, there Zechs." Heero patted the back of the now sobbing pilot.

"Shouldn't you go home now and ask for her forgiveness?"

"Yeah maybe I should, maybe she wouldn't get so mad if….HEY! whatthehellyouthinkyourdoingyuy?" he asked pushing the younger boy away from him.

"I have a hot date tonight and Noin can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it!" he said getting up.

"Adultery is punishable by law you know. Noin would not be too thrilled."

"Hey maybe I really should…fuck you Yuy! I have a whole tub of Vaseline and I will use it!" He said bringing out the said tub.

"I didn't know Treize was here."

"Yeah and he's waiting for me so if you don't mind…"

"Uhmm, can I talk to him for a moment?"

"May I remind you that you are CHAINED to the bed and…and…" he just noticed the collar lying on the floor and a grinning Heero standing before him, well a Heero with a slightly strange expression that can be likened to a smug crack of the lips.

"This way you can call Noin and tell her your sorry."

"Yeah thanks man I owe you one." He said giving the glasses, the bottle and the tub of Vaseline to Heero while he scampered to find the phone.

Heero shook his head and made his way to Zechs' room closing the door and disappearing behind the corner just as Relena appeared in the corridor bringing with her another tray.

***

"Heeeeeroooooo!" she called bouncing into the room. "Look I made you something…" she smirked bringing out the cake laced with love potion.

She stopped when she saw the empty bed and collar. She turned around and opened her mouth to call for her guards when a hand found its way on the lump on her head and mashed her face against her pink cake.

"Oh shit!" she screamed as she emerged with half the cake on her face. "What have you done!" she asked her assailant who was now rolling on the floor with laughter.

"Oh Relena you should have seen you're face!" he said in tears.

"You idiot that cake was full of love potion and I swallowed near half of it!" she said wiping her face clean.

"I'd say you swallowed the entire half of it." he answered sitting up.

"Don't you understand! Now I will forsake my love for Heero and love you instead!"

"Wait a minute! Don't go making threats like that if you don't want to find yourself face first in a ditch somewhere no longer breathing princess."

"Oh my what am I supposed to do? Must I go against what my heart truly says and be forever bound to a man I do not really love?" she asked in the middle of the spotlight that appeared from nowhere.

"I'd beat you to hell first." Duo smirked in front of her.

"Oh Duo the man I now love, this body shall now be yours!" she said glomping him.

"Yaaargh! NOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed like a trapped animal.

"Make love to me!" Relena said ripping her clothes off.

"EEEEWWWW. I am so not gonna eat for the next twelve years!" Duo made choking noises.

"Come to me."

"Ok lets be sensible about this. I am gay and nothing will ever EVER change that!" he said shuddering.

"But now I am hopelessly in love with you!" Duo took the bottle of love potion that Relena used out of her pocket and studied it for a moment.

"Nah you can't be in love with me coz it says here this product was not tested on animals so it only works on humans princess." He smiled as he clamped the collar around her mouth and the back of her neck petting her and securing all the other knots he did on her hands and legs.

"Now unlike you I have the option to get laid and damnit I am going to get some!" he said closing the door.

***

"Geez Zechs what took you so long I am freezing my ass off here." Treize bellowed as Heero entered the room. Heero stopped, lying on the bed, very naked and very gay looking was the former leader of Oz.

"Yes Yuy?" he asked getting up from his very provocative position. And draping the blanket around his nakedness.

"I wanted to ask you something."

"Alright." He said twirling a rose in his hands as he picked the petals one by one and put them in his mouth. Heero stopped and looked at the weird display. "Well?"

"Ummm….well you see…I."

"Get on with it!" He yelled, his mouth full of flowers.

"Uh, how do you become romantic?" he asked suddenly unsure if he was asking the right person.

"Oh you sweet boy! You wanna be romantic for your first wedding anniversary?" the commander squealed in delight.

"I haven’t even…"

"Well what do you have in mind then?" he asked taking the champagne from Heero's hands and washed down the rose petals he just ate.

"Quatre said I should have candlelight and a string quartet. But Trowa said I should have lots of alcohol and lots of drugs."

"*Sigh*, children all of you." he smiled a little motherly. "This is what you do, you fill your house with flowers and cook him a nice dinner put a record on and hire a dozen male strippers dressed like bunnies."

Heero blinked twice…not bad, not bad at all.

"Yuy! You fiend how dare you trick me into…" Zechs came storming into the room but stopped when he saw Treize on the bed covered in flowers, a blanket haphazardly draped around his shoulders and drinking champagne in a favorable position.

"Yuy get out now!" Zechs ordered beginning to strip.

"Wait I am trying to tell Yuy how to get romantic!" Treize said from beneath the now naked pilot.

"Leave a trail of Hershey's kisses for him to find, at the end have roses, one for each day you've been together, tell him reasons why you love him and give him a kiss for every reason, lead him to a yacht and sail around the world and screw like jackrabbits." He said in one breath.

"Uh…ryoukai!" he said backing away from the two. He turned his back and was about to open the door when he remembered something, "Hey you forgot you're Vaseline…oh the hell with it." he said tossing the tub aside seeing as it was a little too late for it now.

***

Heero stealthily left the compound rigging the pink limo with enough explosives to blow it into kingdom come and back.

He laughed gleefully.

***

"uhhhhhh Treize yeah right there….oh damn you're hands….ahhhh those hands!"

"What hands?" Treize asked holding up both of his.

"What!" both looked down just as Duo's head appeared between them.

"Hey boys!" he grinned.

"Geez Maxwell!" Zechs' said jumping away.

"Listen have any of you seen Heero?" he asked sitting on his hunches.

"He left a while ago." Zechs answered.

"Ok thanks." Duo said winking as he turned to go. Treize grabbed his braid causing the boy to fall backwards. "What?" he asked.

"This could be interesting." The older man smiled.

"Yeah we have enough for everyone." The two naked men began to approach him. Zechs bending down to pick up the tub Heero discarded earlier.

"Hehehehe that sure sounds tempting but I gotta go find my sweetheart ta!" Duo said getting to his feet.

"Why in a rush Duo?" Treize breathed.

Suddenly a loud boom was heard and guards came flying through the window.

"That's my cue, toodles!"

***

"Heero! Heero you here love?" he asked going around the now melted limousine. He jogged around a little more but no one answered and he left the burning pink ruins crestfallen.

***

Heero sat on the shuttle heading back home, relaxing as he relived the scene of that blazing inferno that used to be Relena's house. Suddenly he sat up.

***

Duo watched the shuttle leave he just missed it. He sat on one of the chairs a pout marring his angelic features. He scowled as he watched a commercial for Vaseline flash.

"Mr. Maxwell?" the stewardess asked.

"Yeah?"

"There is a private shuttle leaving for your colony, would you like to hitch a ride with it? But it'll have to be in the cargo hold." She smiled sweetly.

"Whatever sweetheart I just want to go home and take a shower. A long one." He said rubbing his temples.

***

He shoved some boxes away to make room in the very crowded cargo hold. He began opening a couple of them when something caught his eye.

"Hey someone's gonna get married!" he squealed looking at the wedding dress that was on the mannequin. "Look at all these stuff! This guy must be loaded!" he whistled looking at the silver wear.

He fiddled the frilly veil and due to boredom he decided to try it on.

"Man I look goooooooood! Hmmhmmm!" he smiled tap dancing with the lacey ensemble. He tripped over something and cursed all the way to Sunday before looking at what caused his fall.

"Well isn’t this the devil's luck?" he scratched his head as he looked at the label on the box.

"Now what would they want with a year's worth of Vaseline in a wedding?" he asked as he began stuffing his pockets full.

***

Inside the private shuttle's very empty passenger area.

Quatre sat with Trowa toasting to a job well done. He took a sip of his champagne and looked at his lover.

"You think Duo's gonna be surprised?"

"Of course he will. After all the effort you put in he better." Trowa kissed him on the nose.

"There is one problem though." Trowa raised an eyebrow, his only eyebrow seeing as the other is lost to us forever.

"I showed them a picture of the happy couple and they thought Duo was a girl." he said agitation rising in his eyes. "They even made a wedding gown!"

"We can worry about that later." He smiled nuzzling Quatre. "From what I heard there is an awful lot of petroleum jelly in the cargo hold." The blonde giggled and was about to stand when the captain came over the intercom.

"Mister Winner we are approaching L2."

"Damn!"

***

Heero walked across the garden on their large property, scrap yarding and killing people were very profitable. He was still thinking about what to do before Duo got back from wherever the hell his lover was. Actually he should have been worried by now but he was so distressed at being at a loss as to how to ask the idiot to marry him. He walked aimlessly around for a while before stepping on something soft and mushy and very much alive.

"Uh Yuy." He looked down and there was Wufei beneath his feet.

"Chang." He said nonchalantly stepping off the Chinese pilot, he usually meditated in their garden. He was about to walk away when he turned back, hell he was desperate.

"Uhmm Wufei."

Wufei cracked an eyelid open. "Yes?"

"How…how can I ask Duo to marry me?" he asked his hopelessness evident.

"You just go up to him, tell him how you feel and ask him to marry you." he said closing his eyes once more.

Heero nodded and walked away, finally having a vague idea of what to do. He was suddenly cut short when some people dressed in suits began tackling him.

"What the hell?" he asked too stunned to murder anyone.

"Just come with us Mister Yuy its time for your wedding."

"Wedding?" he asked looking as surprised as Heero Yuy could.

***

Duo looked at the group of people scampering down the road.

He was about to enter the house when a similar group of people stampeded toward him.

"Hey! Hey!" he yelled as they begin to carry him away. "Who the hell are you people?"

"We are your wedding coordinators Miss Maxwell and we suggest you come with us now because we have no more time to dilly dally."

One word caught his attention and made his eyes widen. "MISS?"

***

Heero tugged at his white tuxedo. He really, really wanted to kill somebody. He looked at the people at the church.

"Oh Heero I'm so happy for you." Quatre came up to him.

"Uhmmm Quatre there is one problem."

"Nope no problems! I have taken care of everything you just have the happiest day of your life!" he smiled going off to stand with the choir. Trowa grinned at him and flashed him a thumbs up sign before standing beside Qutre.

"Damn Yuy, you're fast!" Wufei laughed as he sat on one of the pews.

"Wait a minute." He called.

A distant wailing was heard and Relena came into view. "It is true! How dare you marry the man I love!" she said hitting him on the chest.

"What?" he asked confused.

"He's mine I tell ya! Mine!" Quatre's guards escorted her to the farthest pew possible as she continued wailing.

"Can't we throw the bride a bachelor party?" Treize asked as he and Zechs came close to Heero. Heero's fist twitched at the smug look on the older men's faces. Like hell they would get their hands on HIS Duo.

"Wait a minute." He called.

Suddenly bawling was heard and Noin appeared with her seven children. "Zechs! Where the hell are you?" she yelled.

"Here dear! I saved a seat for you!" he waved happily.

"Make the kids shut up!" she said massaging her temples as Zechs began coercing the kids.

Heero took a deep breath.

***

"Hey!" he screamed as these strange women began bathing him. "EXCUSE ME!" he shouted at the top of his voice. They stopped.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" he said pointing at his chest.

"Oh my!"

"Now do you get it?" he asked sitting up in the bathtub.

"I have one word for ya honey." Someone said.

"PADS!" they all squealed in unision. "Yeah I now a plastic surgeon very cheap, buy one boob get the other free! Would you believe?"

"Oh brother." He huffed letting them finish. Surely it isn't that small not to be noticed! Are these women whacko or just really genitally blind?

They shoved a dress over his head and Duo stopped looking at the gown. It looked familiar somehow…

They began putting make-up on him and putting flowers in his hair. And before he knew it a bouquet was put in his hands and he was put in place as his entourage began to line up.

***

Heero sighed. "Wait a minute."

***

"Ok we are a little behind schedule so the wedding march has to be a little faster." One of the many wedding coordinators said.

"How fast are we talking about here?" he asked looking at the flower girls and bride's maid that he had never seen before in his life.

"Just go with the beat Miss Maxwell."

"Hey Duo you look great!" he looked up.

"Hilde! Thank God! Help me out of this dress will ya?" he said snatching her from the line.

"What and miss the reception? I am maid of honor you know!" she said taking her had back.

"Hilde have you gone mad?"

"Nah, you're the one in the dress!" she smiled.

"I don't know what's going on but you people are nuts!" he screamed.

"It's your wedding day hun! Smile!" she teased.

"Wedding day? I do not recall a proposal! An engagement! A bachelor party! Nor a freaking groom for crying out loud! And who are these frigging people!"

"They're the entourage now stop whining we're about to begin."

"Places!"

***

The doors opened and Heero saw the entourage, behind which was Duo…in a wedding gown.

"Wait a minute." He called.

***

"Ok here we go. Wait for my cue. And…" the band began to play a very fast wedding march.

***

"Wait a minute." He called as the music began playing, very fast.

***

"Go!"

They began careening down the aisle. Duo being dragged by the girls holding his arms and being pushed by the bride's maids.

***

"Wait a minute!" he called as Duo came running toward him.

***

"Waaaaiiii!" he screamed as he was shoved into Heero's hands. "Man am I glad its you!" he huffed. Heero spared his lover a smile he missed the idiot. (see pic above ^ ;P)

"Wait a minute." He called as the priest appeared on the altar.

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today…"

BANG!

Screams were heard and people ran for cover. Heero's hand was raised, the gun still smoking.

"I said wait a fucking minute!" he yelled. The crowd grew silent.

Duo looked at him confused. "Uhm Heero?" he asked timidly. "What the fuck is going on?" he yelled.

Heero took a deep breath.

"Duo. Great sex. Nice smile. Great laughs. Best friend."

"Oooook I got the great sex part." He said looking even more confused.

"What I am trying to say is…I love you and I would like you to marry me."

There was a long silence, Duo blinking several times. Heero fingered the gun at his hand thinking if he should have gone with his original plan.

Then Duo's face softened.

"Awww Hee-chan! This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me!" he smiled glomping on his lover. "Of course I'll marry you."

Heero sighed.

***

The reception was grand. Nobody died and the food was actually eatable. Not to mention the abundance of alcohol.

"Do you want to change?" he asked looking at his 'blushing bride'.

"Nah I like this get up, just right for the occasion." He winked.

"They don’t even know we're both guys." He muttered under his breath looking at the now tipsy strangers dancing around the platform they were on.

"Let's not ruin this for them." Duo winked. And then he suddenly laughed.

"What?"

"I just realized what they were gonna do with that year's worth of Vaseline."

"Hmm?" he looked confused. Duo just laughed and gave him a kiss. "Thanks Heero. That was wonderful."

And Heero smiled.

~end~

notes: ok, ok! Its my first attempt at a humor fic so please laugh! Come on! PLLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEE? Give a girl a break!

Picture I don't know where I got. If you want credit just e-mail me thank you.

playboy