Complete disregard for the novels and the 2nd OAV and everything else that came after that.

For cae/qkslvr

***

Kourin,

I feel foolish writing this, perhaps I have finally gone mad. In this dress, my invitation to the inner palace and a letter to someone ten years gone I might as well be.

Would you have laughed sister had you seen me wearing the silks mother had bought for you? Would you have been angry with me for using your name? Would you have hated me for living your life?

I do.

Tomorrow I enter the palace. It seems this little masquerade will go on forever. Until of course they discover what lies between my thighs.

If you ask me why I am writing this letter that no one is ever going to read. Perhaps I am writing to ask for your forgiveness, perhaps I am writing to ask guidance, perhaps I am writing to keep your memory alive. Perhaps I am writing this for myself. Who knows?

Till then my little sunflower,

Ryuuen

***

Sweet dumpling,

Hahaha it has been sometime since I have heard that pet name. Too long.

Its been six months since I have been in the harem. My life here is not hard….rather it is glamorous! The emperor lavishes dresses and trinkets on his princesses. Thank god he does not take one into his bedchambers. That would have been a disaster.

The princesses of the inner palace are very beautiful and although you would appreciate the beautiful sights I don't think you would have been happy here. You good heart will not be able to take the grisly politics of the harem.

All of them no matter how beautiful are rotten on the inside. My little sunflower would have wilted in here. I am happy you did not have to go through this.

I love you little sister.

Ryuuen

***

Kourin,

I have met him, the emperor. And I have never seen someone so beautiful.

We were presented to him today, he is so handsome and so elegant. He is like porcelain. Skin so fair it's almost transparent, hair so smooth its like silk, his voice so regal as if no one could disobey him, his face, as if heaven itself descended on earth, an angel in human clothing. And his hands, so strong and so soft at the same time.

So beautiful.

His sad brown eyes were drowning in something I could not discern from the expression on his face. And as they passed over all of us, not really taking notice, I wanted to be seen. Be seen by him.

I sound like a little girl with a crush. Maybe that’s what I am. Silly isn't it?

Ryuuen.

***

Sunflower,

The strangest thing happened to me today. I saw you!

Haha I may really be going mad. But I really did. I was walking in the gardens when lo and behold before me stood a likeness of me! I thought it was a mirror of some sorts and she thought so too.

We must have looked stupid looking at each other for such a long time. Then I asked, are you real? And she laughed.

The moment she laughed I knew she was no reflection or incarnation of a long dead sister. Your laugh was one of a kind, it sounded like little bells ringing. Like rain trickling on roof tiles.

Her name is Houki and she too is an inner palace princess. She is wonderful little sister. I thought all the women in the harem were conniving and evil, but she is different.

We fell into talking right away and before we separated for the evening, with promises of eating supper together the next day, I knew I had found a friend. After such a long time I actually spoke to someone, really spoke to someone.

I feel wonderful and pained at the same time. Being with her is like looking into a mirror. Seeing my deception, feeling your loss and knowing there is no hope for me. But having her beside me lessens my loneliness for you and for once in my life I feel like I could share something with someone.

I miss you, so much it seems.

I love you little sister,

Ryuuen

***

Kourin,

Remember those stories mama used to tell us when we were children? About the girl of legend and the seven warriors that would protect her? The one we thought was absurd?

Well guess what I am warrior number three.

No I am not joking, it is true, the character is embedded on my skin. He was the one that found it. You know!

Yes I have been ashamed to admit it but I still sneak peeks at the emperor. I can't help it!

He was the one that saw the character burning on my chest. You see I had to save this stupid peasant and the girl of legend from beneath the stones. Remember when papa said I was as strong as an ox? Well it's more like ten oxen because of the special gifts Suzaku gave me when he wrote the character on my skin.

I am called Nuriko now, he calls me this and it sounds wonderful hearing it in his voice. From now on I shall be signing my letters under this name for I am no longer Ryuuen nor am I truly Kourin, finally I have found my name, I have found who I am.

I am ecstatic and I am afraid. Ecstatic because I might actually be able to spend time with the emperor. Afraid because of the repercussions it might bring.

Nuriko.

***

Kourin,

My life has changed so much in the last week. My quarters were moved from the harem to those reserved for the dignitaries, on the emperor's wing! Who insists that we call him Hotohori, his seishi name.

Miaka, the girl of legend seems very strange. Tamahome is a typical peasant. They deserve each other. They are in love and choose not to acknowledge it. How stupid.

Anyway I still have not been able to spend time with the emperor but who cares? He is only fifteen doors away!

I miss Houki and my room in the harem and I visit them whenever I can. I have been spending a lot of time with Tamahome and Miaka, I think I am beginning to like them. How strange.

I love you little sister,

Nuriko.

***

He is in love with her! That was why he had never taken a wife. He was waiting for her.

I feel numb inside. Like everything just died. Like when you died.

I hate this. I hate myself for feeling something for him when nothing could ever come of it. I hate myself for hoping for something that is unattainable. I hate myself for envying her that has it all.

I hate them for throwing love away. For people like me will never have that. People that are halves of so many things but never really whole.

I hate this.

Nuriko.

***

My beautiful Sunflower,

The world seems beautiful today! I know my last letter seemed so down, but now the world is just singing!

They found out about my secret today. Miaka, the girl of legend blurted it out to all of them. She is such an idiot. A lovable idiot.

Oh don't be confused, the emperor is still in love with Miaka and I am still in danger of being executed but he said I was beautiful. The entire day was a blur except for that one wonderful moment when he said I was beautiful.

I must be crazy acting this way, but I have long since been mad. Now I am just happy.

Smile beloved, I am.

Nuriko.

***

Kourin,

I haven't written for so long I am sorry. I have been so tired taking care of Tamahome. Ever since Miaka had to return to her world he has just been so strange. I feel like I am taking care of a child!

The emperor I haven't seen for some time. He is busy with the affairs of the state but I long to see him. I want to know how he's doing. I have accepted that he will only love Miaka but that doesn't change my feelings for him. I still care about him.

I try to sneak peeks at him, passing by the throne room when he holds court, we would catch each other's eyes and he would nod but that would be it. I wish I could speak to him. Ask him how he's holding up without her.

I am worried about him, Tamahome went mad when she left, he must be the same.

Till the morrow,

Nuriko

***

Sister,

Yesterday after I wrote to you I passed by the throne room one last time before turning in. He was sitting on the throne with his face in his hands. I was about to walk away and let him have time alone when he asked me to stay a while. I reluctantly entered the room and bowed before him. Then he asked me to climb the steps elevating the throne and we sat on the final step, side by side, him and I.

He said he just wanted someone to talk to. And talk we did until the morning. Don't ask me what we spoke of, it seems we had talked about everything. When we parted to retire because he needed rest, he asked me to return the next night so we could speak some more.

As I looked into those eyes, that were drowning in their loneliness I realized that he was still the child searching for someone to love him. And my heart went out to him.

I promised I would return every night that he desired me to and I took my leave. I feel myself spiraling toward a bottomless pit of despair I will never escape from. Ever since I set eyes on him I have been spiraling toward it. But I cannot stop, just as I cannot escape the feelings I have for him.

I would love him if he'd let me.

Nuriko.

***

Kourin

The emperor and I have been meeting in secret for weeks now. Every night we meet in the throne room and we talk of so many things. Sometimes we walk in the gardens, once I made him step in the water of one of the pools. He looked at me as if I had gone mad.

I told him it was all right because no one would see us. He took of his shoes and went splashing around the pool. How childlike he looked. And he told me he had never done that before.

And then the rain started to pour. I asked him if he wanted to return to the palace and he said no, he would like to bathe in the rain. And I watched him raise his head and greet the drops of water. He took me in his hands and we began to dance. I laughed and tried to hide the pounding of my heart, fearful that he might hear.

And suddenly he leaned over and gave me a kiss. My first kiss.

Now I am afraid. Afraid because every time I look at him I wish that I could take away all his pain, his loneliness. Because every time I am with him I know that I bury myself deeper in my need to be with him. Because every time he looks at me I wish things could be different.

I am afraid. And I decide I will no longer come to him in the evenings.

Nuriko.

***

Kourin,

Last night he came to me. He told me I had not come for two nights and he was beginning to worry that he had done something I did not like. He was of course referring to the kiss.

I told him that he had not done something I didn't like but rather something he shouldn't of. He said he had always done things for the good of the people always putting them before him. Until that night, that night he had kissed me for himself.

And I couldn't speak. I just stared at him dumbfounded, disbelieving that he could actually have had feelings for me.

And he came close beside me and whispered in my ear, that I promised that I would come every time he desired me to, and he desired me to come that night. Before I knew it we were kissing once more. Feeling each other, hearts beating against our chests, as if needing to be with the other as if wanting to burst free from their prison deep within us.

He took me that night. My virginity, my heart, my soul. Everything he took from me. And now I can still smell him on my sheets. I can still hear him moan my name. I can still feel his hair against my cheek.

I am in heaven little sister.

Nuriko.

***

Again last night I was with him. It seems every night I fall asleep to his steady rhythm now. He moved me beside his chambers that was supposed to be the empress's room, he said he wanted me there so that all that separates us is a door, so that he can pretend to hear me breathing on the other side. It seems strange but I am not complaining. On the contrary.

I am in love. There I have said it. It doesn’t matter that we can never be together, it doesn't matter how I would live when he as taken a wife. I will face that pain when I come to it. As of right now I am just happy I can be with him. Is that wrong? Something tells me it is. But I no longer care, nothing can compare to this happiness.

Nothing.

I wish you could have felt this way. It's as if the whole world no longer exists. I live for his smile, for hearing him utter my name for feeling his hand in mine. It's as if I live for him and I know that with every breath I take, I would die for him.

Is this all love is? An obsession?

I love him, to me that is all that matters. To me that is all that will ever matter.

Nuriko.

***

Oh little Sunflower, I miss him.

I've been so long without him its beginning to hurt. Ever since we left to retrieve the talisman I have been hurting. Everyday a letter comes from him. He tells me he misses me terribly and that he wanted to come and be with me, no matter what his advisers say.

I tell him that I will be home soon and to be patient. He told me in one of his letters that he would make me empress. Someone else could give him an heir, I was his empress just as he was my king. This made me smile.

I remember the last time we saw each other, we were on the dock and he was carrying Miaka's teddy bear. He looked so adorable with his little pout, showing everyone that he did not like the idea that he was going to be left behind. I couldn't resist and I kissed him on the tip of his nose.

He drew me away from the others for a moment and he whispered, I should be going with you, I belong with you just as you belong beside me. Promise me you will come home to me.

I could have died then and not have cared. He sounded like a child. A child I had found. A child that wanted me to love him.

I want to return to him, I really do, but we have to find the talisman for the kingdom and Miaka to be saved. I need to find it.

Nuriko.

***

Kourin,

I am troubled, today I received another of his letters. But this one sounded different.

He said in his letter that I should forget the talisman, let the gods fight their own war. He said he wanted me to come home to him.

"For once I know what I want. I love you. I want you to always be at my side because I belong at yours. Forgive me this one last selfishness, I want to be happy. I want you with me."

These last few lines troubled me the most. Although I know I should be happy reading them something told me Hotohori is not well. Something was wrong, the desperation in his words cannot be denied, I need to return to him.

Tomorrow I go in search of the talisman, I will not rest until I find it. And then maybe I can return to him.

I do hope he is well, I hope I am just over reacting. I need him to be well. I cannot bear to live without him. I cannot bear to see him in pain.

Pray for me sister, pray for us.

Nuriko.

***

"Jeez and I thought Biochemistry was hard!" he groaned leaning back on his chair. Across the room hazel eyes fall upon the features of the lanky violet-eyed boy. "This is bloody torture!"

"Shhhhhh Joe the entire room is looking!" the brown haired girl beside him whispered.

"Who cares. Come on I have just finished translating these stupid letters, I wanna go out." he pouted leaning closer to the girl.

"So what was it about?" she asked moving away from him.

"Some princess that fell in love with the emperor. She's kind of crazy if you ask me. And she keeps talking in these metaphors that are so bloody hard to translate!"

"Did she end up marrying him?"

"She was so obsessed it's scary!"

"Did she end up marrying him?"

"Oh, I guess so. She never really says. But you want to know something funny?" the girl nodded. "The emperor was even more obsessed over her! It's so scary, I wonder what kind of children they produced." he laughed, the librarian shushed him and gave him a dirty look but he just blew her a kiss.

"They never married." somebody whispered from behind him.

"Jeez! You scared me buddy!" Joe exclaimed clutching his chest.

"There is a final letter." the longhaired boy continued not taking his hazel eyes off the other boy.

"Uhm ok…" Joe whispered looking at the girl across from him, the boy greatly resembled her almost as if they were the same person.

"Would you like to read it?"

"Actually I just spent two weeks translating fifteen very hard ancient Chinese letters for my term paper. I really don't want another one." he answered.

"I think you should." the other whispered coolly.

"I'll look you up when I have the hours to spare." he smiled. The other boy looked at him one last time before turning around and walking away.

"Talk about creepy." he whispered to the girl.

"That was Andy Wong!" She stated.

"And just who is Andy Wong?" he asked rather irritated.

"Only the most lusted after guy in the girl's dorm. He has this band, Pillow or something like that, they're really becoming famous."

"Never heard."

"That's cause you like noisy music."

"It's called rock."

"Anyway he sings love songs."

"Yuck."

"Shut up he's really good. He also sings alternative, there's this one song…uhm Dreaming of Jupiter…"

"Are you talking about Willow?"

"Oh yeah that's the name of the band!"

"That guy is the front man for Willow?" he took one more look at the direction Andy had gone. "Anyway he's still creepy. And I do not want another bloody letter to translate."

"Aren't you curious about what happened to them?"

"She married him, gave him a gazillion kids and lived happily ever after." he said fixing his things. "See this?" he brought up the old leather bound book that contained the letters he had translated. "Read the title. Come on I know you can read a little Chinese."

"Letters to no one." she whispered.

"Of course, that's who it's for…no one! They should have left it inside the tomb they dug it out of. This stupid thing ate my two weeks! I could have been at practice!"

"I wonder what she looked like?" the girl whispered.

"I don't care, lets go Ana I don't want the smell of old books and dead social lives to stick to my clothes." he called garnering another shush from the librarian.

***

Hazel eyes looked down at the boy and girl leaving the library hand in hand. They looked beautiful together. He sighed.

His eyes fall upon the violet-haired boy once more trying to relive what looking into those lavender eyes felt like.

***

Joe Ikura was taking up Biology but his passion was in hockey. He had always loved playing, even when he was studying epithelials and enzymes his mind would still be in the game, creating plays, feeling the ice with his fingertips and hearing the crowd cheer as he scored. Already he was captain even though he was only a junior. He was also president of the literary society and the debate club, winning the inter-university championship two years in a row.

His violet hair and lavender eyes were not his only extraordinary features; his face was so beautiful it seemed feminine, his skin was so fair, his lips were so pink, his entire self was a complex of perfect angles and clean lines. Joe Ikura was beautiful.

And he was in love.

She was Ana Marcos. She met Joe when they were five years old, he was showing off to the other kids and began hanging on the monkey bars upside down. Of course he fell and of course he landed on her. From that moment on they had been friends and once when they were in the fifth grade, they were sitting on the swings Ana looked at him and told him that she would marry him someday. They had been a couple ever since.

Her long brown hair and golden-brown eyes made the shy girl almost always the center of attention. Although she may seem ordinary when alongside Joe, this was far from the truth. Her simple beauty and elegance gave a queenly air about her. She was graceful and kind and she had always acted as Joe's buffer.

Joe was active while Ana was passive. Joe was athletic while Ana was artistic. Joe was outgoing while Ana was shy. Joe was crazy and when she was with him Ana was too.

"Hey Ana when you said the most lusted after guy in the girl's dorm, did you mean you too?" Joe asked over his pizza.

"Are you kidding? Did you see those eyes? Like they're undressing you right then! And those abs man I could iron my clothes on those abs!" she smiled.

"Aww gross!" he said tossing his pizza back in the box.

"Don't be silly Joe, he isn't my type."

"Yeah you two kinda look alike, might pass for brother and sister." he smiled.

"We do not look alike!" she countered.

"Yeah with those eyes and that hair, you guys are like twins!"

"I do not look like Andy bloody Wong!!!" she said annoyed.

"Don't start an argument with me, you'll only lose." he smiled arrogantly.

"Oh yeah Mr. Debate club? Well get this I won't kiss you for a month!" she crossed her arms. He looked at her, their gazes locked and his eyebrow arced as if he was accepting her challenge, and then they dropped.

"Ok you win." he laughed leaning over and kissing her softly.

***

Joe entered his room, taking off his clothes and throwing them on the floor. He collapsed a couple of seconds later on his bed with only his boxers on. He lifted his head to close the lamp when a package caught his eye.

A brown paper envelope sat on his drawer. His name scribbled in a clean handwriting that he did not know. He sat up and tore the envelope open. In it was a single paper it seemed old and it gave off a strange scent, it smelled of human skin and dust, as if someone kept it close for a long time. He turned it over and groaned.

"Jeez ancient bloody Chinese! Thanks a lot Mr. Wong." he said stuffing the letter back into the envelope. "Insistent bastard!" he said turning off the light and going to sleep.

***

He looked into her big eyes wishing he could swim in those golden pools and learn all her secrets. He watched her gesture as she told him one of her stories. He felt her soft hair between his fingers. She was breathtaking. And yet…and yet something was missing. Something was always missing.

"Joe?" her voice brought him out of his reverie.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"You're not listening." she pouted.

"Yeah I wasn't." he smiled sheepishly.

"I hate you." she smiled kissing him on the lips.

"I love you Ana." he smiled burying his face in her hair.

"I love you too." she smiled enveloping him in her arms. "Tell me I make you happy Joe. Please." she pleaded.

His eyes shot open at her plea. Never had he heard her speak in that tone of voice and he had known her most of his life. Never had he heard that kind of desperation, that kind of uncertainty, that kind of need in her voice.

"Of course you do." he whispered kissing her on the cheek.

The coffee shop seemed to grow silent and all that mattered in the world was in his hands. He was perfect right now. He would marry her in that moment if he could. Ana was his soul mate of this he was sure. And yet something was missing. Something was wrong. He dared not speak of it to Ana, it would break her heart if she found out. He would make her his wife he promised himself that much. This feeling of emptiness could be resolved later. He belonged beside her that was all that he knew.

His eyes gazed out of the glass windows and hazel eyes caught his, if it weren't for the short-cropped hair he would have sworn it was Andy Wong. He sat up wanting to get a better look but the doppelganger was already gone.

"By any chance does Andy Wong have a twin brother?" he asked.

"Er not that I know of."

"That guy just won’t give up! He gave me the last letter!" he said leaning back down on the couch.

"Did you read it?"

"No."

"Why didn't you?" he stopped, he didn’t really know why he left it sitting there on his desk for a week without even touching it again.

"May be I will." he smiled taking a sip of his coffee and going back to reading his book.

***

He looked at the writing on the parchment. It wasn't the same handwriting. The letter was signed by a different name but still it was addressed to the lady Kourin.

His mind raced back to the man standing outside the coffeehouse looking back at him. He looked so much like Andy. Except for the short hair and the khakis he could've sworn it was him.

Why did it matter so much to Andy Wong that he read this letter? They didn’t even know each other before that time in the library. Why was it that he dreaded to read those few lines scrawled across that old piece of paper? Why was it that he just wanted to stuff it back into the envelope, leave school, marry Ana and just forget about Andy Wong?

"Who the hell is this Andy Wong?" he whispered looking at his reflection on the mirror.

***

Kourin,

You do not know me…but I have seen his letters, letters to you and I feel that it is my duty to tell you.

He is gone little one. Taken from us forever.

As I stare into this future without him, there is an emptiness that swallows me up. And I cannot bear the pain. His memory consumes me, his image haunts me even in my sleep.

I cannot seem to help but think it is my fault. In my arrogance and my selfishness did I destroy what we had? Did I seal his fate with my own words? Did I kill him little one?

If he is there with you I hope he is unhappy. Because I am unhappy without him, because life is unbearable without him. I am a selfish man, but all I ever wanted was him.

Why couldn’t I have him? Answer me this. Please, I need an answer. I cannot just accept that he was taken from me, without a reason, without a word. I cannot accept that.

I am to be married tomorrow. Houki is like him but she lacks his spirit. Nothing can compare to it. Her face mirrors his in great detail. She was his friend in the inner palace they were very close, if he weren't with me he was with her. It’s like she was the other lover. Isn't that funny?

That is as close as I will ever get to him now and it tears me up inside. I have moved my empress to be in the room next to his, yes I have not let anyone touch it. I stay in his room, smell his clothes, sleep in his bed, run his combs through my hair, surrounding myself in what he once was.

Is it wrong to live this masquerade? To wish she were him every moment I am with her? To pretend she was him? To continue loving him in her body?

I am lost without him and I will hold on to every shred of him that I still have left. Every moment I spend with her I drown myself in my lies. I am a fool.

Without my queen I am lost. A king gone mad.

Hotohori.

***

"He was a man!" he screamed as he approached her on the couch in Starbucks throwing the brown envelope on the table. "A fucking gay man! They both were!"

"Slow down sweetheart! Who is?" she asked as he plopped down beside her.

"Nuriko!"

"Who?"

"The princess!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." she said putting her book down.

"The letters I was translating."

"You mean the ones about the princess and the emperor?"

"Yes except it was about a prince and an emperor."

"How did that happen?"

"I have no freaking idea." he said taking her coffee from her.

"Hey go buy your own." she said taking it back, but he had already swallowed a mouthful before she could rescue her cup.

"Owowowowowowowo!" he said fanning his tongue.

"Serves you right." she said laughing. "So how'd it happen?"

"I don’t know, the last letter was from the emperor himself telling Kourin that Nuriko was dead."

"So he never loved her…er him?"

"The grossest thing was that he did. So much it almost drove him insane losing him."

"I think its sweet."

"Um they were both guys sweetheart."

"I don't care, so long as you love someone it doesn't really matter who or what you are."

"When did you become the spokesperson for gay love?" he said.

"Don't you think its romantic they loved each other so much they couldn't live without each other?"

"I think its gross and disturbing and I would've lived the rest of my life happily if I hadn't read this last letter. I ought to shove this letter down Andy Wong's throat, that gay bastard."

"Here's your chance, he's sitting by the window." she motioned with her spoon.

"Right." Joe stood up and began toward the guy sitting by himself.

"Don't make a scene Joe." she muttered.

"Too late." he said under his breath. "Hey Wong!"

Andy looked up at the mention of his name and met lavender eyes gleaming with anger. He had not been expecting Joe Ikura to come storming in on one of his gloomy moods, he looked over to where he came from and caught Ana Marcos' beautiful apologetic eyes before Joe had barred his vision.

"Ikura." he said calmly. Joe threw the letter on his table.

"What are you trying to pull?" he said his voice a little louder than Ana had hoped.

"What are you saying?"

"Is this some sick joke you gay fuck?"

"Excuse me?" he could hear the whispers around them, hey isn't that Joe Ikura? I didn't know they knew each other. He called Andy Wong gay? No way!

"This letter! I thought you were creepy now I just think you're gay." he said crossing his arms.

"That letter has been in my family for generations. It is a secret only a handful of people have seen."

"Well I wish I wasn't part of that handful." he said turning his back on him.

"He died soon afterward." he said solemnly.

"What?"

"Hotohori, the fourth emperor." he said sipping his coffee.

"I don't give a fuck!"

"He did kill Nuriko."

"What?"

"It was his arrogance that killed the only one he loved." he said sadly.

"Yeah? Well go write it in a novel and sell it to the gay community coz maybe they might give a shit."

"Heaven and Earth cannot fathom the difference between us." he whispered. Joe looked back at him confused.

"Andy? What's the matter?" a voice asked from behind them. Joe turned around and found himself face to face with Andy, without the waist-long hair and the cheeky shirt. He had hair that came down to his eyes and a simple black sweater over his jeans but the resemblance was uncanny and suddenly Joe found himself looking at the clone he saw staring at him the other night.

"What the hell?" he screamed.

"Joe Ikura meet Jeremy, my twin brother." Andy whispered from somewhere in the background. Suddenly something stirred within Joe, something that told him he was supposed to remember.

"So its you." Jeremy whispered looking him straight in the eyes.

"Come on Joe." Ana said grabbing his arm and dragging him outside. He looked back and saw twin pairs of beautiful hazel eyes stare back at him. Suddenly Joe Ikura wanted to leave, take Ana with him and never look back.

***

"Yeah who paged me?" he asked coming down the stairs and putting on his jacket. The porter pointed to the man standing in the doorway of the dormitory. From the way he was standing and the tight leather pants it could only be Andy Wong. Joe groaned, he hadn't seen him for over a week and was getting along fine with the idea he would never have to see him again.

"What do you want Wong?" he asked from where he stood.

"I wanted to speak to you." he said turning his hazel eyes on the other boy.

"Let me put it this way Wong, I don’t give a fuck. You're creepy and I never want to see you again." he said turning around.

"Please." the pain in his voice stopped him. "Just give me an hour and I promise I will walk out of your life forever."

He sighed and looked at the taller boy. "If that is what it takes to get you off my back then."

***

"Tell me do you love Ana?" he asked suddenly.

"Well that came out of nowhere. It is none of your business but since you asked yes I do love her." he said suddenly irritated.

"And she loves you back?"

"If you're thinking of stealing my girl I am telling you right now I will kill you." he said stopping.

"I have no intention of doing that." he smiled, suddenly Joe's heart skipped a beat.

"What do you want Wong?" he asked suddenly afraid.

"Even when I hold you in my arms, even when I smell you on my skin, even when all I live for is you, even then Heaven and Earth cannot fathom the difference between us." he whispered looking at him.

"Ok what was that?"

"It was a poem Hotohori wrote for Nuriko when they first fell in love."

"Unbelievable! Let go of that friggin letter already!" he said.

"I can't."

"You need help sir and I am not the one that can give it to you."

"You don't know what it's like."

"What to be creepy?" he said suddenly uncomfortable.

"To love someone so much you are consumed by him."

"That is called an obsession and you are freaking me out Wong."

"Can't you feel it?"

"Feel what?"

"The tiny murmurs of a story that wants to be told."

"You're bloody crazy!"

"I love you Joe Ikura, from the moment I first saw you lifetimes ago I loved you." he said enveloping the smaller boy in his arms. "Please love me back. Please."

"You gay fuck! I knew it! I don't swing that way buddy…" he was cut short as he found his lips caught up in a kiss.

***

Ana sat in the deserted art room finishing a painting. Her hair haphazardly tied up in a knot, her apron filled with little daubs of different colors, her face flushed and her bare feet tapped on the wooden floor.

"Nice colors." a voice whispered from behind her, she turned and found Jeremy Wong looking down on her.

"Oh my I didn’t know someone else was here." she blushed putting on her fipflops.

"I saw the light." he pointed to the single lampshade still open in the empty building.

"I guess I should go huh?" she smiled embarrassed.

"The likeness is uncanny, it's as if he was looking back at you."

"Joe doesn't like portraits so I do this where he can't find it." she said sitting back to look at her work.

"All this from memory?" he asked arching a brow.

"I've been with Joe longer than you can imagine." she laughed.

"I can imagine you must really love him." he smiled.

"I do."

"Then I suggest you take him far away from here before the past destroys him as well." he said turning around and leaving.

***

He sat in the garden, the rain soaking every inch of him he should go inside he knew. He had been sitting on that bench since that afternoon. Since Andy Wong had left him. He was afraid, so afraid because in that one moment he felt complete, in that moment he was complete.

"The strangest thing happened to me today." she greeted him placing her umbrella over his head. "Jeremy Wong paid me a visit."

He looked up at her, "What did he want?"

"He said something about leaving school." She said sitting beside him, he reached over and removed violet paint from her cheek.

"A lot of strange things have been happening today." He said quietly.

"What's the matter sweetheart?" she asked looking at him.

"Nothing." He smiled wanly.

"Let's go inside."

"In a moment." He pleaded. And they stayed beneath the little umbrella amidst the falling rain and pretended the world did not exist.

***

Two months had passed. Two months since he kissed him. Two months since he had fallen for another.

Joe was sprinting in the corridor, a piece of toast in his mouth, he was late and he knew it. Suddenly out of nowhere he slammed into someone.

"Ow." He said standing up, he stopped again he found himself face to face with Andy Wong. He had not seen him in the two months since they had that walk and he prayed he would never have to. But now here he was and he knew he could not run away from it anymore.

"I'm sorry." Andy said turning to go. Joe watched him go, his class forgotten. At the end of the corridor Andy turned around and caught his eyes before turning the corner and disappearing from his view.

"If you love her then I suggest you walk away from this." He heard his voice from behind him.

"Jeremy." he said not really surprised. He had seen the other twin quite a few times over the last couple of months. He had always seemed to be watching him, something he did not appreciate. He had meant to talk to him about it but he could never find him when he wanted to.

"Stay away from my brother Ikura." Was all he said and then he left him standing in the corridor alone.

***

He looked at Ana still sleeping in his bed. The snow had begun to fall, he stood up and traced the path of a snowflake against the windowpane. Watching the world underneath slowly be covered in a thin white blanket.

So many things ran through his mind. Of Andy Wong and the letter he had shown him, of the princess Nuriko, of Jeremy, of Ana. He sighed he could not place the feeling but it was there. This feeling of needing to remember something.

"Two months ago I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted in this life." he sighed. "Now I'm not so sure."

"Joe?" Ana murmured from somewhere within the covers. He smiled and crawled in kissing her neck before curling beside her and enveloping her in his embrace.

***

It was late and if he had not memorized every inch of the pond, what he was doing could've been dangerous. He glided over the ice having only the moon to watch him. And as he skated faster, trying to escape the things that were eating him from within, he realized the futility of it all. Just like skating on a pond, he could not escape who he was.

"I never got an answer." Words that seemed to melt from the darkness, he did not need to see who the owner of the voice was. He knew who it was.

"You never asked a question." He said coolly not slowing down as his companion emerged from the trees.

"I told you I loved you. It is customary to give an answer." He said standing on the ice, Joe skidded to a stop before him.

"I thought you would walk out of my life forever?" he asked skating closer.

"I thought so too." He whispered gathering the boy in his arms and taking his lips.

***

Her hand moved quickly across the canvas, filling it up with color. Creating something from nothing. A blank piece of cloth was now his face. His eyes, his hair, his smile. Him.

"I guess you know who we are." he greeted her coming closer.

"I had a hunch." She smiled as her tears began to fall.

"I too tried to change everything. But it seems some things will never change." He whispered sadly.

"I am sorry, I did try." He reached out to touch Ana's shoulder but he decided not too and he just let his arm fall, giving her one last look before closing the door behind him.

"I too am sorry Jeremy." She said burying her face in her hands.

***

The emperor sat with his lover in the glass gazebo he had created in the garden. Nuriko loved the imperial gardens, that was why he had this gazebo made. They sat there, Nuriko in Hotohori's arms, covered by the thin blanket they had brought watching the moon. He sighed and kissed his lover on the tiny mole on his left cheek garnering him a smile.

"You always kiss me there." He smiled leaning his head on the emperor's shoulder.

"That is what makes you, you my love." He said kissing him softly. "Nuriko wouldn't be Nuriko if you didn't have that mole. It is as if in your flawlessness they had to give you one blemish. And I love you entirely, with all your blemishes and flaws and faults everything that makes you human."

He smiled turning around and pushing Hotohori on his back and laying his head on top of his chest. "It is funny you should say that. My mother said that one with a mole on the tear's path is fated to shed rivers of it."

"Then I promise you that river will never flow. Not if I have anything to say about it." he said kissing him on the forehead.

"You cannot control everything you know." he said suddenly serious. "Not everything in this world is under your power, not everything will heed your command."

"Why do you say this beloved?" he asked more alarmed than offended at his lover's tone.

"When I was born an astrologer was called upon to read my destiny. He said that the stars had told him that they had chosen me for their prize. That my life would be blessed and I would be given gifts but I would have to live it knowing that one day I would belong to the stars. My hands will never know age they would take me long before time wrinkles my skin." He paused.

"My time on this earth is short, there is no mistaking that but I am thankful I had spent it with you." he said leaning over and kissing him.

"When I first met you, all that mattered was myself and the girl I had been chasing all my life. I thought all my happiness rested on these two things. But then you happened and suddenly everything was different, I did not even know I was capable of such happiness. Now I'm scared out of my mind at the thought that I may lose you." the emperor whispered.

"You belong to me, no one else. I will not let them take you from me." he finished.

***

Joe opened his eyes and saw hazel ones stare back at him. He smiled.

"I've waited so long to see you smile at me." Andy whispered tucking some of his lover's hair behind his ear.

"I never thought I would wake up with another guy in my bed." Joe said smugly. "But horrifying as it is, this feels…perfect, right even."

"Have you fully awakened now beloved?" he said all too familiarly.

"Some things are still confusing and I still can't believe a lot of it. But I am sure of one thing, that I love you and that you love me." he smiled leaning over and kissing him.

"I love you." he said breathless.

"Is that you speaking or some ancient Chinese emperor?" Joe teased.

"Every part of me is speaking. I love you with everything I was, everything I am and everything I will ever be." He said leaning on his arm.

"Is it just me or was that cheezy as hell? Is that from one of your songs?" he said grimacing.

"It is from one of my songs that I wrote for you. How was I supposed to know you would never listen to them." He laughed hitting Joe with a pillow.

"Well you should have done your homework more extensively, I do not listen to cheezy music."

"All my songs are for you! I even named my band after you! And you didn't even know I existed!" he said pinning the smaller boy.

"Man you are so obsessed."

"Yes I am." He smiled leaning over and kissing him once more.

"How can this feel so right when everything inside me says its wrong?"

"Some things are just meant to be." He said going back to his side.

"I died when I lost you." he continued sadly. "I remember the pain, the days when I couldn’t breathe because I knew you would not be there. I remember burying my face in Houki's hair pretending it was yours but it felt so different as if my heart would not let itself be deceived."

"You loved me that much?" he asked in disbelief.

"I love you that much."

"I have to tell Ana." he asked going back to reality. They fell silent.

"I am sorry." He said quietly.

"Why are you sorry? There is nothing to be sorry for." He answered.

"I found you." he said almost in disbelief. "I have finally found you."

***

"Ana?" he called entering the art room. He scanned the room and saw his portrait sitting alone on the easel, the lamp slowly drying the paint. He moved toward it lifting his hand to feel the frozen smile upon his face.

"You don’t like portraits." She whispered. He turned around and saw her sitting in one of the corners of the huge art room.

"I don't." he said moving towards her. "It's like holding on to something that will never last. Everything fades, everything dies."

"Have you seen the others that I made?" she smiled, her tears marking her face. Joe turned around and saw four other paintings covered by thin white sheets. He walked over toward one of them and drew the sheets away one by one.

One was a picture of two young children. A girl and a boy, almost identical.

The next one was a painting of two princesses.

The third was a portrait of an emperor and his empress.

The last one was a portrait of an emperor and an inner palace princess. Him and Andy.

"I know who we are. Somehow I've always had." She said coming closer. "I knew you would choose him."

"Ana…" he didn’t know what to say.

"I love you Joe and I always will. But I think you should walk away now." she turned her back to him.

He wanted to tell her that she had just hurt him more than he had thought he could feel. He wanted to tell her that he loved her so much and that it was killing him that she was asking him to walk away from her.

He wanted to tell her that he sorry that he fell in love with another, that he was sorry he was who Andy said he was. He wanted to tell her that he remembered how much he loved Andy once before, how much he loves him now and how scared he was of this. He wanted to tell her how it was all so confusing and how just seeing him makes him feel happiness he never thought existed and a completeness he had always longed for.

He wanted to tell her how he never planned for it to happen. He wanted to tell her he was so lost, that he didn’t know what to do and that if he could take away all the pain he caused her he would. He wanted to tell her all this happiness was not worth one of her tears that he leave Andy if she asked him to. But what was the use? She had said all of it.

***

"This is crazy and you know it." he said looking at his brother as he entered their room.

"Leave me alone." He said. "I have never been happier than I am now."

"You know how this will end!" he screamed slamming his fist on the table.

"Please Jeremy." He pleaded. A silence fell between them and he felt his brother's heart break.

"I took your face, I took your voice, I took your blood and still I lose to him." he smiled. "I knew I was only a replacement. I blinded myself into thinking that you loved me back. And when I found out the truth I promised myself you would love me the next time, only me. So I took your face."

"I love him more than I do anything."

"More than yourself?" he said looking away.

"Much more."

"Still I lose." He said looking back at his brother. "I loved you then and I love you still. But some things will never change."

"Forgive me."

"What is there left to forgive? I have forgiven you long ago, when your child was still in my womb and I had lost you. But it seems I never had you to begin with."

"Jeremy I cannot change the past."

"Nor can you change the future brother." He looked at hazel eyes that mirrored his.

***

Andy lay his clothes on his bed opening the leather suitcase he had brought when he first came to college. They were moving in together, he knew of an apartment somewhere off campus. They could deal with the scandal later.

He was so happy.

Suddenly he stopped. Something was wrong.

***

Ana ran her fingers across the paint drying on her canvas, watching the faces stare back at her. Images long since forgotten, long since buried. Perhaps she shouldn't of had tried to change things. Perhaps she should have tried harder.

Joe had already left. Somewhere she had always known that she would never really keep him, somehow she knew someone else owned his heart. It hurt so much, because she was so afraid of losing him, so afraid of seeing him hurt once more. Promising she would protect him from everything that might hurt him. And as she saw his smile melt away from his face when she asked him to leave, she asked herself, who would protect him from her?

"Perhaps they should have stayed forgotten." She whispered to the paintings smiling back at her, tears streaking across her beautiful face.

She did love him.

And feeling of dread came upon her.

***

Jeremy sat on the bathtub staring at his reflection, the moon casting a ghostly light upon his emotionless face, his borrowed face. Never had he felt so defeated.

He had loved both of them and it felt so unfair that the three of them should be bound by the fate they were destined to share. He loved Hotohori with everything she was then, but you can never force the heart to forget.

And Nuriko was dearer to her than anyone had ever been, half of her life, half of her soul. When he died she thought nothing could take away the pain of being left behind.

And then Hotohori came. Mourning Nuriko with her, comforting her, loving him in her and then leaving her behind as well.

She was always left behind, now he knew they would leave him once more.

The razor, a fragment of silver in the dark bathroom glimmered in the moonlight. He closed his eyes wishing the feeling would end.

Something whispered in his ear and he opened his eyes.

***

The snow was red. He lay dying.

He was too busy thinking of Ana and the bag Andy had helped him pack. Perhaps he should just stay with Ana, maybe all this would blow over. But he knew no matter what he belonged with Andy, just as he had said once, when they were both known by different names.

He was so confused and in the last few days he had experience such exquisite joy and such unbearable pain that it was enough to last him a lifetime. For one moment he just wanted to stop feeling for one moment he just wanted to stare up into the stars and pretend everything was all right. Up there where nothing could reach him, the stars waving at him as if they knew a secret.

He did not even see the car come careening towards him. He did not even feel the pain. All he saw was his life slowly slipping away from his grasp and snow the color of roses, just as he did once, so long ago.

And now he lay there dying.

"Joe!" he heard Andy scream, it sounded so far away.

"Andy?" he called afraid. "Andy I didn’t see him. He…he was going too fast."

"Oh no, please god no." he said as he reached him. He knelt down beside him and cradled his head.

"I'm sorry Andy."

"Shh don't say anything, it'll be ok." He turned around, "Someone please call an ambulance! I need an ambulance." He screamed. He began to stand up but Joe held him back.

"Don't leave me Andy, please." He begged. Andy looked at his lover, wanting to save him so badly.

"Call an ambulance!" he screamed in his desperation.

"I love you Andy." He stopped drawing Joe closer.

"I love you too." He said kissing his forehead. "Don't go. Please don’t leave me again. I can't live without you Joe."

"I'm so sorry." He said.

"Please Joe. Please." He begged not knowing what else to do. His tears began to flow then.

"I am so afraid." He whispered slowly.

"I will find you. Even if it takes forever, I promise I will." He said drawing Joe as close as he could. And as he felt him go limp in his arms, something inside him broke.

"You take him from me when I have my back turned. If you are a god, if you are indeed a deity than I dare you to take him from me while I am at his side, able to protect him, able to give my life up for him." he screamed his anger swelling inside of him, choking him.

"How dare you hurt him. How dare you take him away once more! Let us be." He finished his grief washing over him.

In the distance a siren wailed, urging them to hold on, promising them salvation.

But Andy Wong knew it was too late.

***

Jeremy saw him enter their room he seemed tired. "Andy?"

He knew what had happened. He wanted to tell his brother that he understood his pain. He wanted to tell him that he would always be there for him. He wanted to tell him that he loved him.

He wanted to tell him he was sorry.

"Andy?"

"Andy?"

***

Ana put the phone down. She had just told Joe's parents that they had lost their son. She could still hear his mother crying out for her son in the background. She could still hear his father trying to hold back his tears. She could still hear Joe walking away from her.

She buried her face in her hands and cried.

***

Andy sat on the floor leaning his back on the wall. In the other bed Jeremy had gone to sleep after trying in vain for three hours to comfort him. He was beyond that now.

On his bed lay the empty suitcase; promises left unfulfilled. He promised he would make him his empress, he promised he would take care of him, he promised he would never let tears come to his eyes, he promised he would not let them take him away.

He promised he would find him.

***

"He belongs to the heavens your majesty. I suggest you end this liaison now." Taiitsukun said in the mirror facing him.

"No." Hotohori said his fists clenched.

"I told you from the beginning not to start anything with the boy, he is fated to die." the deity continued.

"But I love him." he said defeated.

"The jealous stars want him for their own. He will die. There is nothing you can do."

"All this time I had spent apart from him, all the pain I go through, all of this attests to my need to be with him. I cannot live without him. The gods have all the lives they could ever want. Can they not give him to me?"

"Let him go."

"Take my harem, take my kingdom, take everything but him. I beg of you."

"You are not thinking clearly your majesty. Your feelings for him are clouding your judgement."

"I am thinking clearly!" he shouted burying his face in his hands. "He is my only happiness and I would be damned if I let the gods take that from me as well!" he stood up and ran out to his balcony facing the full moon.

"I have given you everything in my power to give!" he screamed to the darkened sky. "I cannot give him up as well."

***

"I hate the winter." he whispered.

"Yeah me too." she said trying to be polite.

He stood before his grave, the newly dug earth now covered by snow. His name was etched upon a cross, his hopes crucified there as well.

"I can find him a thousand times over. Live a thousand lives and still I would lose him. Can you imagine how much pain that brings? Can you imagine how much emptiness fills me inside knowing that one solitary truth?" he said his tears refusing to fall.

"Why couldn’t we be together?" he whispered defeated.

Ana looks at him. Andy Wong was beautiful, all the girls would testify to this, and if you looked into his eyes it was as if you could get lost in his eyes forever, as if somewhere in their infiniteness he would always be beautiful. Now he all he seemed was dead.

"I tried to make him happy, he had already suffered so much. I wanted him to be happy. It was foolish to think he could be happy without you." she said quietly.

A silence fell between them. Ana drew her coat tighter around her, the cold air seeping into her bones. She looked at her companion once more, he didn’t move, didn't do anything to keep the cold from entering inside. And a certain sadness fell over her when realized that he was just as cold on the inside as well.

"I told him I could bear eternity looking for him if that is the case. But now I know I can’t. I can’t bear this pain." He said after sometime.

"Will you walk away from him just like that?" But she already knew the answer. He reached inside his coat and brought out a little red book that seemed familiar somehow.

"This belongs to you little one." He said handing the leather-bound book to her. She looked at it but did not take it from him.

"I have no need of it. Everything that could be said between us has already been said." She said.

"He loved you more than you think."

"Until he met you…." she walked away from him then.

***

~end~

notes:

of course Houki was Jeremy, Hotohori was Andy, Kourin was Ana and Nuriko was Joe.

If you think its incestous for Ana and Joe to be together just think that your mother could have been your husband in another life. Kourin saw the pain Nuriko had to go through when he fell in love with the emperor and since she knew he would find her brother when their lives crossed once more, she decided she would try and save him from that pain.

I liked the idea in the time machine wherein he could go back a thousand times and still not be able to save the one he loved.

Maraming salamat po.