I've come out of the "very" legalistic background in the past four or five years, similar to the Catholic church, which has been shockingly anti-body/sex for most of its history. The current pope has made a few comments that at least bring (official) Catholic attitudes to somewhere in the middle of the twentieth century but that's not a huge improvement over the previous standard and doesn�t guarantee that the lay people in the pews feel the same way.
Just thinking off the top of my head, I suspect that part of the BDSM taboo comes from the perception that BDSM activities are accompanied by behaviors Christians almost universally regard as immoral and possibly illegal. It is widely believed, even in the
general public, (as another recent post pointed out) that BDSM is always accompanied by the overuse of alcohol, consumption of illegal drugs, and rampant immorality in fornication, adultery, sodomy, and the use of force. For me, it was important to think about what I desired as being two separate things. My fundamental desire was to
be submissive to my hypothetical future husband, a man who would be Dominant in behavior if not name. I didn't intend to give my submission to anybody else. BDSM, to me, describes the activities that occur as a result of the Dom/sub relationship. When I started on this thing, I had never experienced the feel of expertly tied ropes or even a pair of handcuffs. I had never been whipped or flogged, was a little scared of these, not knowing if I would like them at all. I knew I was submissive and that I wanted to serve. Serving (D/s) was and is life. BDSM is just the details.
Rather to mine and Master's chagrin, I've discovered I DO like the kinky activities more than either of us expected.
I'm lucky because I figured out my desires before getting involved in a long term relationship, so I have been fortunate to find someone with interests similar to my own. The suggestion I've heard from several people in your shoes is to start with the Biblical understanding of "the headship principle" (husband as head of the household, wife submissive to that authority) as found in Ephesians 5. There are three important parts to the passage. 1)ALL believers submit to one another "as to the Lord." 2)Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord." 3)Husbands, love your lives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. As I understand it, headship and submission do not work unless all three are in place.
The passage that has given me THE most amount of comfort as I've learned about BDSM comes from Hebrews 13:4. The English translations tend to be a little rough so I'll quote here the literal translation my pastor gave me (the guy did a couple years of Greek classes in college). "Marriage is honorable in all that it does, and the bed undefiled but fornicators and adulterers will be judged." Basically, anything that happens between a married man and woman that both partners consent to AND does not violate the basic morality of the Christian faith is honorable. Their intimate consensual activities give honor to God, they praise God, husband and wife are not defiled, not made dirty or unclean by what they do together.
Indeed, God has set certain boundaries for us, part of which are the laws of basic morality just mentioned. These rule out fornication, adultery, sodomy, besality, rape, incest, and divorce except under specified circumstances. The only two times sex is specifically said to be used for procreation are times when the world needed to be filled with people (at the creation and immediately post flood). Every other positive mention of marital intimacy in the Bible makes NO reference to intimacy being reserved for procreative uses only.
The other two rules most of us have been told are taboo (come on, I'm sure you all know what those two are) really don't have any support in Scripture but that's another post entirely. In conclusion, any BDSM activity that doesn't compromise any of the above standards is honorable and praiseworthy in God's sight and should not be something that causes a believer to feel guilty.
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