Please believe me that when I flew to Wisconsin for the holidays, this was the last sort of letter I expected to write to you. That probably gives you a pretty good idea of the content of these pages but I hope you'll read the rest anyway.
In this week since my parents and I returned from Missouri, I've had opportunity to get together with a number of friends. With many, I have shared only my adventures in California and told of good things about you. For a few very close friends I have needed to be perfectly honest about the misunderstandings, cultural clashes, and disagreements which you and I have had recently. These friend have expressed varying amounts of concern about the future of our relationship. In talking with my parents I have also needed to be completely truthful and they also are quite concerned.
This morning, mom suggested in passing that perhaps you and I simply need the calm of some time apart, as in "maybe things will be different in a year." Her words helped me to summarize what I've been thinking through the last couple of days. You have said many times you don't believe people are capable of making fundamental changes in personality or character. I believe exactly the opposite but for the purposes of this letter I'll agree with you. If it is true that people cannot change, then you will be basically the same person next year that you are today. In one year or five, you will still be totally absorbed by your duties, you will still believe that positive comments to me are unnecessary, you will still be distant to me in public, and you will still be wishing I could look like something I am not.
On this last point, your stated wishes for blonde hair, silicon, and "skinny chinese butt and legs" as you so eloquently put it have hurt me, perhaps more than everything else combined. I am a woman of strong anglo-saxon germanic heritage and our bodies, while capable of a certain slenderness and grace, still tend towards heaviness in the hips and thighs. I have always hoped that my mate would find my mind, my voice, heart, and soul sexy, along with seeing my body as sexually arousing. Your distance -- spending your time on-line or playing games, refusing to touch me as more than a friend, the lack of real conversations between us -- have led me to conclude that you no longer find anything about me sexually stimulating.
This leaves me with absolutely no ties to you, aside from a hastily offered ring. We no longer go to church or even acknowledge that we are believers. We do nothing that centers our lives as a couple on Christ. I have no friends, no family, nothing in California except what I brought with me from Wisconsin. You are not even mine. Why do you thing I provoked you? Why do you think I took off the collars you put on? On one level, I did these things because I felt angry, hurt, unwanted, unloved, and unsubmissive. I wanted to get your attention and could thing of no other way to do that. I needed to know how much you would put with. I needed to know if there was a point where you would tell me to stop being such a silly girl and put the keys when I couldn't get at them. I was looking for reassurance that you really did love me and want to master me. But instead, you either actively withdrew or else ignored my behavior, making me feel even more certain I was no longer the submissive of your dreams.
One of the things I've thoroughly believed since the beginning of my adventures in BDSM is that submission cannot function in a vacum. Even (maybe especially) a woman born with a submissive's personality requires firm and loving guidence from her dominant. She requires instruction about and knowledge of her dominants wishes and expectations. She craves clear and simple rules (or even just guidelines) for her behavior, along with knowledge of the consequences of failure. She needs to know when she has done well and when she has not. She needs consistant rewards and punishments.
A second part of this personal philosophy is that a submissive is not, under any circumstances, a doormate. As you are probably aware, submissives are frequently told that they need to be strong, that they need to be able to stand up for themselves. Do you know why? It is because of submissives like me who somehow get it pounded into their heads that they are not allowed to disagree with their dominants ever, and the dominants who take advantage of them. I read something recently to the effect that dominants should not require of their submissives what they do not expect of themselves. In our case, you have expected me to adopt your foods, your preferences, culture, attitudes, and hobbies while rejecting out of hand anything I might have brought to the relationship. This is not healthy dominance. This is a near pathological control problem.
I am not returning to Californina for the following reasons:
1) You have made no effort to compromise on any issue. In no healthy relationship should one person be expected to do all the giving and make all the changes. However, this is exactly what you have expected of me and it is unfair to both of us.
2) You have taken advantage of my submissivness in a dangerous way. After months of preaching to novice submissives the dangers of being a doormate, I have decided it is time to heed some of my own advice by leaving you.
3) You still have your head wrapped around an imagination of S. I don't care how many cameras and microphones you two had: Until you meet a person in the flesh, you are a fantasy to each other. Assuming that fantasies are usually better than reality (again as you've said to me), my flesh and blood will never be able to compete with what you imagine she would be like.
4) Both of us said a lot of good things two weeks ago in the hours before I flew out. But if it is true that people don't change, if I returned, you would go on being silently content until you see something wrong in me and I would continue to be lazy, unambitious and all the other things you've accused me of.
5) At present, I can offer you nothing that you cannot get on your own. My hobbies and activities have been those which you introduced me to. While I now find small planes and handguns enjoyable and even interesting, I do not feel a passion for them the way you do. I wish that I had been able to take you to a poetry slam or on a walk in the mountains for I am as passionate about words and nature as you are about precision mechanics. I never let you see that but now I wish I had.
ou will find enclosed your rind and a few bits of jewelry, as well as the apartment keys. I wish I could say I had a piece of your heart to return also but I have come to realize that you never gave me that. Except for a very few occasions, I never got to see your heart.
I love you still, C. I can imagine how hurt and maybe even angry you feel right now. When I came home, truly I did not intend to gallop. I didn't have any intention of playing along with you while having already made my decision either. I have simply come to see, for all the reasons listed above, that I am not the woman for you. I am sorry it has to end this way but perhaps this is better than the alternatives.
Good bye C. I pray God will bless your future greatly.
Fondly,
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