A hilarious fanfic written by Daria27. This fanfic will having you laughing from the start as Daria recreates the movie Scream with our favorite folks from Harmony!! E-Mail Daria and tell her what you think!
Part 1
Its a lovely little night. Sheridan and Luis are at her cottage settling down for bed when they're interupted by the phone ringing.
LUIS: Hello
KILLER: Do you like scary movies?
LUIS: Pappa? Is that you?
KILLER: No you moron. I'm gonna kill you if don't get the answer to this question right.
LUIS: You can't kill me. I've got a badge. And a gun! (twirls gun around on finger, gun eventually goes off shooting Sheridan) Oh sh*t. I'll never make detective now. Uh..I'll have to call you back later dude.
LUIS: Uh...Sheridan..uh..wake up..huhu..
SHERIDAN: Oh..Luis...help..Luis.
LUIS: Sweet. She must be having another sex dream about me.
Meanwhile back in the Crane mansion...Ethan is watching Garfield when the phone rings.
ETHAN: Hello?
KILLER: We're gonna play a little game.
ETHAN: I don't think I did. My mommy said I have to go to bed soon.
KILLER: Oh really. Well if you don't play I'll kill you! And the love of your life!
ETHAN: No..not..uh..what's her name?
KILLER: G-W-E-N you dumba*s!
ETHAN: Yeah. Wait a minute. So if I don't play this game...your gonna kill her. Right?
KILLER: BINGO!
(Ethan hangs up the phone and goes upstairs to his mother's bedroom and walks into find her and Sam.."getting jiggy wit it" so he runs downstairs to his father's study)
ETHAN: Daddy! Daddy! Mr. Bennet was doing something to mommy!
JULIAN: Leave me alone. Go..go buy something with your credit cards.
(Ethan leaves and goes into the living room where he hears Theresa talking to someone on the phone)
THERESA: Yeah..like totally Whitney. Ethan is like so gonna like fall in love with me. Well..so what. Just because he doesn't like remember who I am, or like what my name is, and stuff it could still happen. I mean it's like.like..that thing that determines like who you'll end up with and like stuff! Yeah..like Fate! Whitney...oh shut up about Chad..your like such a loser!
ETHAN: What did you just say Theresa?
THERESA: Oh..um..
ETHAN: Let me guess. You said I was going to fall in love with you because your still upset about Chuck.
THERESA: Uh..oh yeah. Yeah. That's right.
ETHAN: I can't believe how smart I am sometimes! Well..I gotta go off and do some more work now. I still haven't found Waldo yet.
Part 2
Meanwhile..in New York where Gwen is working...
GWEN: (talking to customer) Hello and welcome to Hooters. May I offer you some chicken wings while you wait?
COOK: Gwen! Phone call
GWEN: Hello?
KILLER: Hi. You wanna die tonight?
GWEN: Um...
KILLER: If you answer these questions correctly you'll live. Question #1 Who was the killer in Halloween?
GWEN: Uh...did Mel Gibson star in that?
KILLER: Do you live in Harmony?
GWEN: Yeah. Why?
Back in Harmony, Julian is in his study..playing with barbie dolls
JULIAN:(holding a ken doll and a brunette doll and doing the voices for them)
BRUNETTE DOLL:Oh Mr. Crane I just love your body
KEN DOLL: Why thank you. You know I'm very powerful.
BRUNETTE DOLL: But what about me being the housekeepers daughter?
KEN DOLL: Ssshh. Don't speak. Let's just seize the moment. (has the dolls start making out)
Upstairs Theresa is trying on Gwen's wedding dress that just came when Ethan walks in and see's her topless.
THERESA: Oh no! Ethan. I..I..was trying on her dress because..
ETHAN: Boobies! I saw boobies! AAaaahhhh. Boobies! Oh no. My virgin eyes.
At the police station...
SAM: (sitting at desk looking at himself in a mirror) Oohh look at me. I'm dead sexy. I should walk around with my shirt off more often. Oohh look at me sexy bod.
ETHAN: Officer Bennett!
SAM: What? (continues to look at himself in the mirror and begins flexing his muscles)
ETHAN: I'm here on official business.
SAM: Did someone break into your estaste, were your robbed, is anyone hurt?
ETHAN: No. Its not that. Officer. Someone stole my barbie dolls. I can't find em anywhere.
Part 3
SAM: Dude. That's gotta suck!
ETHAN: Tell me about it. So what are you gonna do about it?
SAM: Uh..well...uh..I guess we'll file a report..and..um..uh..then fax it..how does this damn fax machine work anyways..uh..I'll just give this case over to Luis to handle.
ETHAN: Ok.
Luis arrives at the hospital with Sheridan
NURSE: What happened to her.
LUIS: She got shot.
NURSE: I know that Sherlock. How did she get shot?
LUIS: (flash back to him accidently shooting her) Um...I don't know. I..uh..think her dog did it.
NURSE: We're going to take her into surgeory..and I'm gonna see about giving you an alcohol test.
Meanwhile Ivy is at home..just sitting in that chair she always does when the phone rings..
IVY: Ivy Crane
KILLER: Let's play a game..if you don't cooperate I'll have to pull out my knife.
IVY: You show me yours and I'll have to show you mine. (the killer hangs up) Just then Ethan walks in.
IVY: Ethan. Theresa is almost done preparing your wedding. I'll just read you this list of things that still need to be done. Ok we still need flowers, candles, condoms preferbly glow in the dark, the bachelor party.., and..
ETHAN: I've decided I want my bachelor party at Chucky Cheese. Hey. Does Gwen have to come to the wedding? She's such a pain in the as..
IVY: Ethan. Go wash your mouth out with soap.
Julian walks in, interrupting the conversation
JULIAN: Is Theresa working today?
IVY: Yes.
ETHAN: Hehe. Theresa's got big thingies. hehe.
JULIAN: Perhaps you should go upstairs and..butter her muffin.
ETHAN: I think she's probably already had breakfast.
JULIAN: No..I mean you could play hide and sneek with a one-eyed trouser.
ETHAN: Dad I outgrew playing hide-and-seek last week.
An hour later...
JULIAN: Perhaps you should go tickle her belly..from the inside.
ETHAN: I can't tickle her belly from the inside. I can't reach my hand that far down her throat.
JULIAN: Ivy remind me to get talk to Ethan about the birds and the bees later.
Part 4
IVY: Ethan! Gwen is on the phone.
ETHAN: Whose Gwen?
IVY: Your fiance..Gwen Hotchkiss.
ETHAN: Oh the lady with the big nose. I don't wanna talk to her. Hang up.
IVY:(hangs up phone)Your going to have to fly down to Bermuda to check our your honeymoon resort.
ETHAN: Yay! I'll be in a little plane going woosh woosh..
IVY: Perhaps you should take Theresa so you don't get lost or something.
ETHAN: Hey mommy. Why is Theresa always reading those books where the guys' nipples are showing on the cover?
Sheridan and Luis walk in.
IVY: Sheridan! What happened?
SHERIDAN: I was shot.
ETHAN: Uh oh. Sheridan have a booboo. You wanna borrow one of my scooby doo band-aids?
IVY: I thought Luis was suppose to be protecting you?
LUIS: I was..but..uh..big.old..dog came out of nowhere..and before I could..save..uh..Sheridan... ..a.spaceship flew over and aliens abducted me.
SHERIDAN: Now we can't go to that Britney Spears concert.
LUIS: Uh..that isn't fair. N'Sync was gonna be there opening act.. I..mean..of course we can't go. You've been injured.
ETHAN:(turns on tv)Woohoo! TRL is on.
LUIS: Hey! There's pappa!
SHERIDAN: That's Kevin from the Backstreet Boys.
LUIS: Oh..well we both have big eyebrows..wait..I found pappa!
ETHAN: You dork! That's Carson Daly.
LUIS: This search for Pappa is hard. I give up.
Part 5
JULIAN: Come on into my office Ethan. We're going to start a buisness meeting and need your input on a few things. Ethan gets up and begins skipping while he follows Julian into his office.
ETHAN: (looks around and there's no one there)I thought there were suppose to be.uh..buisness people here?
JULIAN: No. No. I lied about that...
ETHAN: Ahhh daddy told a fib. I'm calling Johnny Cockran!
JULIAN: Oh shut up you little dumba*s. I wanted you to show me that dance move you were practicing earlier.
ETHAN: Okie dokie.
JULIAN: Great! (goes over and pushes play on the cd player. Genie in a Bottle by Christina Augerlia starts playing)
ETHAN: Ok. Now it's very simple all you do is go..cross. cross..shake your butt..shake your but...wiggle arms..higher..then shimmy..
Meanwhile at the police station... Sam is sitting at his desk rubbing self tanner all over his bare chest.
OFFICER SHADY: Officer Bennet, we have a 405 assualt and battery in progress.
SAM: Uh...try using those batteries that energizer bunny uses. (pulls out mirror and begins flexing his muscles)
OFFICER SHADY: Sir what would you like us to do?
SAM: Uh..oh..may I help you?
At Sheridan's cottage....
SHERIDAN: Luis I have a secret to tell you.
LUIS: What is it?
SHERIDAN: You have to promise me you won't tell anyone about it.
LUIS: Ok. Sure.
SHERIDAN: I see dead people.
LUIS: That's Charity's line.
SHERIDAN: Damn. Got the scripts mixed up again.
Part 6
Ethan walks into the empty living room...
ETHAN: Where is everyone? Hey. What's that? (walks over to desk and grabs bottle)Vi..Vi..Via..Viagr.Viagra. Hmm...mommy said she was gonna get me some more candy today. (opens bottle and begins eating one) Mmm..these are good...(dumbs whole bottle in his mouth. (looks down at pants) Whoa. Ethan got a ding-a-ling. Ethan got a BIG ding-a-ling. Whoa. Ethan's got a GREAT BIG ding-a-ling.
Theresa walks and Ivy walk in.
IVY: Ethan! Put that away. Gwen's going to be here any minute.
ETHAN: Aahh. Why does she have to come. She's gonna wanna come up in my bedroom...and she's gonna make me touch her. Its so grosse.
Gwen walks in.
IVY: I smell chicken wings. Come on Theresa. Lets go finish our buisness.
Gwen see's Ethan's "pants"
GWEN: Ethan. I see you've been waiting for me.
ETHAN: Uh..no.
GWEN: Come on. Lets go upstairs.
They go upstairs and lay on his bed.
ETHAN: (starts laughing hysterically)
GWEN: What's so funny?
ETHAN: Haha. You don't have any thingies. Haha. Theresa's are much bigger than that..haha..I'm gonna start calling you a man. There interruped by the phone ringing.
ETHAN: Hello?
KILLER: Remember me. I'm in your bathroom. And your going to be my next victim.
ETHAN: (Begins peeing his pants) So your saying whoever goes into the bathroom is going to die?
KILLER: Wow. It didn't take you long to figure that out.
Ethan hangs up the phone, grabs Gwen, shoves her in the bathroom, and leaves the bedroom, running for his life.
Julian is in his office talking to Alistar..
JULIAN: Father. Sheridan keeps making fun of me. Make her stop!
ALISTAR: Hold on a minute. I've got to work right now. (background) How may I help you..ok that's one cheeseburger...would you like fries with that..your total comes to 5 dollars...OK Julian. Don't ever call me at work again. I'm never gonna get to be employee of the month if you keep interrupting me all the time!
Julian hangs up the phone and starts looking over some papers.
JULIAN: (singing) Oops I did it again..I played with your heart.lalala..ooh baby baby
Part 7
Ethan came running into Sheridan's cottage
ETHAN: Someone called me!
LUIS: Who? Was it pappa? Has he joined the mothership? Does he wanna reunite on Ricky Lake?
ETHAN: I don't know who it was. It was some dude wanting to kill me. So I gave him Gwen.
SHERIDAN: Well aren't you going to do something Luis?
LUIS: What? I'm sure the maids can clean up the blood stains off of the rugs when the killer is done.
SHERIDAN: Go find the killer you moron!
LUIS: Do I have to? Party of Five is about to start. Oh alright.
Luis gets up and leaves.
ETHAN: So where's your dog at?
SHERIDAN: I don't have dog.
ETHAN: The dog that shot you? You should sue the doggy.
SHERIDAN: Hey. Your pretty smart. I'll call Judge Judy and set up an appointment. Hey you can represent me. Are't you a lawyer?
ETHAN: Uh..I don't know. Am I?
Luis comes running it screaming and holding his butt.
LUIS: Oh my god. Oh my god. It was horrible. AAahhh. I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks. It was so bad I sh*t my pants.
ETHAN: So he killed Gwen and I don't have to marry her and see her flat chest. hehe!
LUIS: No. No. She's still alive, but she was in your bedroom waiting for you and when I walked in...Oh god..it was horrible..
SHERIDAN: What?
LUIS: Oh..god..Gwen was naked. My poor eyes. Have mercy on my soul.
ETHAN: Ugh..
LUIS: I'm gonna go into the bathroom, change my pants, and then polish my knightstick.
Ivy went outside for a walk when she bumped into the killer...
IVY: Aaahhh. What on earth are you thinking. Those shoes with that outfit. Please. If your going to kill people at least don't make them stare at that god awful fashion crime you've just commited.
The killer stands there, puzzled, and watches Ivy walk back inside
Chapter 8
NARCOTICS OFFICER: And that is the end of this short film. Now I hope you've all learned something from this. Yes. It that was me, the killer, and I confess I was planning on killing these people, but something told me not too. Since I had been recording everyone, and planning on recording their murders, something told me that I could use this footage to a different advantage. So I left Harmony, got a degree in narcotics and became a spokesperson trying to keep kids off drugs. These people messed up their lives so badly by doing drugs. Ivy and Julian probably smoked a little weed in their time, and when Ivy became pregnat, well looked how badly retarded Ethan because of it, all because his mother used drugs.
STUDENT #1: Sir, how do you know they were using drugs?
NARCOTICS OFFICER: Well, it's pretty obvious. There's no way people could be that dumb and retarded on their own! Duh..Duh..Duh..or could they be retarded all on their own?