*Note: Completely fictional
This story was written from Shelti3149's point of view!
Recently I took a trip to New England, and noticed a sign that said "Harmony, 2 Miles" at the side of the road. I thought, 'hey, why not?' I'd heard some interesting things about the town, so I stopped over.When I got there... Gwen and Rebecca saunter toward me, having the same conversation they've had everyday for the past month.
Gwen- I want platinum cards mother! I WANT PLATINUM CARDS!
Rebecca- (adjusting her dress so it shows as much cleavage as possible) Don't worry, darling daughter of mine, we will get all the Crane fortune, and everything that comes along with it-which is more...fortune.
Gwen- Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suddenly, a truck hits Gwen and she dies a gruesome death. Rebecca shrugs and keeps walking.
Me- Ok...
That was when I realized my car had been stolen. I thought it would be in my best interest to stop at the Harmony Police station. Little did I know I'd regret it...
Sam-(sitting shirtless behind his desk) Ivy, I'm in love with Grace! Get that through your much- more- interesting- than- Grace head!
Ivy-(stomping) Oh SAM! SAM! SAM! I just want an affair!
Me-(peeking over Ivy's arm) Ummmm, my car just got stolen, and are you aware your shirt's off?
Sam- who are you? A Crane? If you are GET OUT!
Me- who the hell are the Cranes? Look, are you gonna help me or not?
Sam-I never do any work around here-even though I'm the Chief of Police-go to Sheridan Crane's cottage, and get Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald to take care of it.
Me-Ok (muttering) jackass.
Sam-What was that!
Me-Oh nothing...
Sam-Good, I thought I might have to through my bottle of Vaseline at you.
I rush out as Sam rubs Vaseline over his naked chest. I had no idea who the Cranes were, so I decided to ask for directions.
Me-(reading mailbox) Bennett household. (shrugs) Sounds normal enough.
(Doorbell sounds) DING-DONG!
Grace- Hey there stranger that I've never met! Would you like me to make you a quiche, apple pie, or other dessert I know how to make. I was just making a tomato soup cake for one of the many fundraisers and charities I work for!
Charity- (from inside house) Did you call me aunt Grace?
Grace- No Charity dear! Precious, precious joy in our lives! (turns back to me) Would you like to meet my picture perfect family that would never deceive me??????
Me- Uh, well actually I just wanted to know-AH!
Grace yanks me into the house where Kay, Charity, Simone, Whitney, Chad, Jessica, Miguel, Tabitha and Timmy are all hanging out.
-Kay is freaking out because Hecuba is in her head, Miguel and Charity are making goo-goo eyes at each other, Jessica has left to keep her camera time at a minimum, Simon is attempting to grope Chad, Whitney is scowling bitterly, and Tabitha is pacing the room worriedly with Timmy.
Grace- This is my darling niece Charity, and her boyfriend Miguel who lives here with us.
Miguel-(not looking up from Charity) I don't live here-I live with mama and Theresa and Luis.
Grace- Oh...well I just thought since you're always around-never mind. This is Simone, Chad-
Me- Listen, I just really need directions to the Crane mansion. Would any of you happen to know where that is?
Grace- I do! I'm practically Ivy Crane's bestest friend!(an oven timer sounds)
Grace- Oh my cake is ready! (everyone groans) Be with you in a jiffy dear- unless I see a mysterious angel girl that appears to me every so often.
As Grace leaves, I take a seat near everyone to see if anyone in this town is normal.
Charity- (in a saccharine voice to Miguel) Oh Miguel, I love you!
Miguel- I love you too Charity!
Charity- And nothing will come between- (Charity suddenly spaces out, and a trance-like look appears on her face.)
Miguel- Charity, what's wrong?
Charity- Evil is near Miguel. We are all doomed!
Miguel- (in relief) Oh thank god! I thought you were gonna say something new!
Chad-Yo, Simone, I ain't down wit ya grabbin' at mah crotch like dat!
Simone smiles from ear to ear...literally
Simone- Oh CHHHHHAAAAAADDDDD! You're so silly! I know you don't mind me handling your goods because you played that love song for me!
Chad- But that wasn't for-
Simone- Oh CHAADDDDDD!
Whitney- (through gritted teeth) grrrrrrrrrrrrrr-all I love is tennis, all I love is tennis-grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Kay- It's not my fault! Like, leave me alone Hecuba!
Tabitha- I hope Hecuba leaves soon, or all hell will break loose since I'm a witch and so is Hecuba, and the gate to Hell is locked in my basement.
Timmy- (coming to life) Timmy's scared Princess!
My eyes suddenly buldge.
Me- WHAT!?Everyone turns to look at me.
Charity- What's wrong girl I don't know?
Me- Uhhh, did anyone else hear that old lady, or see that doll come to life?
Everyone- No.
Me- But-but, I'm sitting the farthest from her and I can hear it loud and clear! How can you people not hear-
Grace- Here you are! (hands me the Crane address.) It's not that far from here, the town is REEEEEEALLLLLLLYYYYYY small.
Me- Yeah, I noticed. A strip club is next to the police station.
I take away the address, thank Grace and turn to everyone else.
Me- I just want to say, all you people have SERIOUS problems, and need help! Especially the blonde twiggy one and the old lady.
With that, I leave and everyone goes back to their odd but unnoticeable to them ways.
At the Crane mansion...DING-DONG!
Julian-(holding a glass of brandy) Are you the hooker I called for?
Me- What!?
Julian- Damn! Guess not. It's bad enough that Rebecca hasn't showed up yet, and Ethan won't allow Pilar to answer the door, but now I can't get my service! Well, who are you then?
Me- Uhh, my car got stolen and the police chief told me to come to Sheridan Crane's cottage to find a Luis Lopez something, so could you tell me where it is on the estate?
Ethan suddenly appears with Theresa.
Ethan- Damn that Sam Bennett! That is just like the police board, incompetent!
Theresa- Ethan, I hate to see you mad! Sam Bennett is a good man.
Ivy also appears now.
Ivy- Yes, Ethan! Sam is a good man (noticing Julian's raised eyebrow) errr he saved my life!
Ethan- I can't take this! I'm going to watch sports center again! (drags Theresa along by her gigantic wedding ring.)
Me- (getting impatient) Can someone just tell me where Sheridan Crane's cottage is?
Julian- Row! Feisty! I like that in a woman...or minor.
Ivy- Oh Julian, keep it in your pants!
Me- (now scared) Ewwwwwwww...just tell me where the cottage is!
When I finally got directions to Sheridan's cottage, I ran away from Julian Crane as fast as possible, and went to Sheridan's cottage where the walls were shaking from some woman screaming "OH LUIS! LUISSSSSS!!!!!!!!!"
Ding-Dong!
Sheridan answers in ten minutes wearing a red, silk robe, and Luis is behind her wearing nothing but a speedo...when my eyes fix on Luis my mouth suddenly fills with saliva.
Sheridan- Hello! May I help you?
Me- (still gawking at Luis) Gah...gah..er, I mean, my car was stolen and the police chief told me to come here to see a Mr.Luis Lopez-Fitz...oh just Luis!
Luis- I'm Luis!
Me- Yippee!!!! I mean, can you help me out?
Luis- Not right now!
Luis slams the door in my face, and him and Sheridan get back down to business.
So what happened? Ethan was kind enough to let me borrow his private jet, where me and Theresa discussed how every man in Harmony enjoys taking their shirt off, and how that is a GOOD THING! When I arrived home, I found Theresa's long lost brother, Antonio...who turned out to be Luis' identical twin! Needless to say, I automatically pounced on Antonio, and it was a very happy ending. =)