By Alana.
NOTES: A day in the life of Passions. A humorous look at a typical day with Harmony's residents.
*****
(The Lopez-Fitzgerald home)
THERESA: Luis! I have to tell you who I'm in love with! He's just so perfect and wonderful! Fate brought us together!
LUIS: Who is it?
(Pilar enters)
PILAR: Don't do it Theresita!
LUIS: It's ok Mama. I know it's not Ethan Crane and that's all that matters.
THERESA: But-
LUIS: Ethan is just like Julian and Alistair! I'm glad you've never had anything to do with the Cranes! They're evil and I hate them all!
THERESA: But Sheridan's a Crane!
LUIS: Oh ya� Well she's different. Anyway, I have to go back to protect Sheridan, build up a load of sexual tension, and then deny that I'm in love with her. See ya!
PILAR: This is awful! The Crane's will ruin both my children!
(A timer sounds from the kitchen)
PILAR: Oh! My tacos!
*****
(At the Crane estate)
IVY: (between sips of brandy) Sam! I love you!
SAM: It's over Ivy! I love Grace!
IVY: Why?
SAM: Because! She's so� uh� Hell. I don't love her. She's boring and stupid! All that talk about angels was giving me a headache, and if I have to force down one more piece of that tomato soup cake� I love you Ivy!
(Grabs Ivy and kisses her passionately)
Ivy: Oh, by the way, Ethan is your son!
*****
(In Julian's office)
ALISTAIR: (over speaker-phone) Julian you are so stupid! You've failed to keep Sheridan and Luis apart, and you waste all your time looking for Ivy's secret! I should have you shipped off to Paris! That solves everything!
JULIAN: Forgive me Father. What can I do to make it up to you?
ALISTAIR: For starters, stop drooling over Theresa! She's 18 for God's sake! You're disgusting! First Eve and now this! I'm cutting you out of my will!
JULIAN: You can't do that! Nooooooo!
ALISTAIR: Don't whine! And whatever you do don't hang up on-
(Julian hangs up)
*****
(Back at the Lopez-Fitzgerald's)
MIGUEL: Hey Mama.
PILAR: Who are you?
MIGUEL: It's me Mama! Miguel! Your son!
PILAR: Son?
MIGUEL: Remember?
PILAR: You seem so familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it�
MIGUEL: Darn. I guess I do spend too much time at the Bennett's.
(Charity enters the kitchen)
CHARITY: Miguel?
MIGUEL: Charity? Oh Charity, I love you so much!
CHARITY: I love you too!
(Make-out on the kitchen table)
*****
(Outside the window)
KAY: Miguel will be mine!
SIMONE: I love Chad�
KAY: Shut up and listen to my plan!
SIMONE: Chad�
KAY: Simone!
SIMONE: I have to go home. I need to drool over Chad and change into an even uglier outfit!
(Simone runs off)
(Miguel steps outside)
MIGUEL: Kay? What are you doing here?
KAY: Miguel, I love you!
MIGUEL: Aww! Me too! You're such a great friend!
KAY: I don't mean it like that! I mean-
MIGUEL: Such a great friend!
(Charity comes outside, and resumes kissing Miguel)
KAY: Get a room!
*****
(At the Hotchkiss mansion)
GWEN: Oh Ethan! You're so wonderful!
ETHAN: I know. But I'm sorry, I can't marry you!
GWEN: Why not?
(Theresa enters)
THERESA: Because of me!
GWEN: Oh my God! I know what's going on here!
THERESA & ETHAN: You do?
GWEN: Of course. It's so obvious! Ethan, you have to comfort Theresa about Chuck so she can still be my maid of honor!
ETHAN: You're even stupider than I thought!
THERESA: He loves me you blond bitch! Now Ethan is going to marry ME and we'll live happily ever after! It's FATE!
GWEN: Noooooooo!
(Theresa and Ethan ignore her and make-out on the couch)
*****
(At the Russell house)
WHITNEY: I don't love you Chad!
CHAD: Yes you do!
(Whitney rips off his shirt)
WHITNEY: No I don't! My only love is tennis!
(Kisses him fiercely)
CHAD: Well I don't believe you.
WHITNEY: Shut up!
(Pulls off his pants)
*****
(At Sheridan's cottage)
HANK: Hey Beautiful!
LUIS: Hey!
HANK: Not you! Sheridan!
LUIS: Oops.
HANK: Sheridan, I love you! Will you marry me?
SHERIDAN: Eww! No!
HANK: But I'm so wonderful and charming! And just look at my sexy body!
SHERIDAN: Sexy? You look like a horse!
HANK: Noooooo!
(Hank cries and runs away like a wussy girl)
LUIS: Why is he my best friend?
SHERIDAN: The writers couldn't come up with a better character?
LUIS: Must be it. Hmm� I'm bored, let's Tango!
SHERIDAN: Ok.
(Start to dance)
LUIS: Now let's get really close and build up a ton of sexual tension. Then we'll kiss and blame it on the dance.
SHERIDAN: Why? I thought we loved each other?
LUIS: We do. But this way we'll jack up the show's ratings and get everyone to watch next week.
SHERIDAN: Oh, ok. Good idea.
(Kiss passionately)
LUIS: Oh no, it was the dance!
*****
(Back at the Russell's)
TC: Eve, I hate the Cranes for reason's I'm not able to explain.
EVE: Why not?
TC: I don't have enough time. The writers are to busy with the Sheridan/Luis plot to give me any screen time.
EVE: Oh, ok. Well I hate the Cranes too!
TC: I'm going to the shed.
(He leaves)
EVE: T.C. can never learn about my past with Julian. He'd leave me if he ever found out I was a whoring jazz singer! Hmm� I'd better go make sure Whitney and Simone never fall in love with that street kid Chad, who is probably my son, but I chose to ignore that.
*****
(At Tabitha's)
TIMMY: Timmy loves Charity! Princess, let's kill Fluffy?
TABITHA: Must you speak in third person all the time?
TIMMY: Timmy can't help it. They pay him to talk like this!
TABITHA: Oh, ok. Well let's concentrate on turning Charity over to the dark side so I can get my powers back.
TIMMY: How about a Mar-Timmy first?
TABITHA: What exactly is in one of those things anyway?
*****
(Back at the Bennett's)
GRACE: I'm so lucky to have a friend as great as Eve. She'd NEVER betray me by helping someone steal Sam away from me.
(Angel Girl appears)
ANGEL: Beware! Evil is all around you!
GRACE: Where? Not my wonderful husband or my fabulous daughters and niece!
ANGEL: What about Noah?
GRACE: Who? Oh right! Him, I forgot�
ANGEL: Be careful! Evil is close at hand!
GRACE: Where?
ANGEL: I can't tell you! That would make way to much sense!
(Angel disappears)
GRACE: Wait! Don't go! Darn� Oh well. I'm going to go make some quiche!
*****
(In the Bennett's yard)
JESSICA: Hey Reese!
RESSE: Hey! Where's Kay?
JESSICA: At Miguel's I think. But I know she loves you!
RESSE: Really? Wow!
(Pulls out his computer)
REESE: I have to email my Internet pen pal!
JESSICA: I should probably go. I've had way too many lines as it is, and we have to conserve space for more Theresa/Gwen/Ethan scenes. I probably won't be back on camera for another month or so.
*****
(At the Book Caf�)
CHARITY: Oh no! Another premonition!
MIGUEL: What do you see?
CHARITY: The writers are going to take FOREVER to get the Sheridan/Luis plot moving, and I'm going to get even thinner!
MIGUEL: Wow! That's awful. Let's make-out to cheer you up!
(Charity and Miguel make-out yet again)
The End!