Q. What did Deadheads do in the Summer of 67?
A. 69
- Daisy350
Q. How long does it take before a pound of bud goes bad?
A. I don't know! I never have it longer than an hour!!
Q. How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, as long as it's over a plant.
Q. What do you call a Deadhead that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless...
- Anonymous
Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a tweeker?
A. When a pothead is driving down a road he is driving about 20 mph and eating the upholstery.
When a tweeker is driving down a road he is driving about 200 mph. and talking to the upholstery.
- Anonymous
Q. What's the difference between a rock musician and a U.S. savings bond?
A. The U.S. bond will someday mature and make money.
- Jdawg '97
Q. How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, I pretty sure one of us can do it.
- Anonymous
Q. If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
A. The cop!!!
- Tweek & Hash
Q. If a canoe pulled up in your backyard and loses all four wheels how many pancakes would it take to fill a cathouse?
A. None marshmallows don't have bones!
- Elminster
Q. Did you hear the one about the stoners who locked their keys in the car?
A. It took them 2 hours to get out!
- CarnalDave
These two stoners were driving down the road and the passenger had to take a piss. He pointed to his left and said, "Hey, dude, pull up next to that tree over there, I gotta piss." The other stoner replied, "Man, that's the air freshener hangin' from the rear-view mirror!"
- Anonymous
Q. What do you say when you see two Deadheads passed out on the street?
A. "Concert's over."
- Anonymous
Q. What do you call one bowl between three stoners?
A. Malnutrition.
- Anonymous
Q. Why did the pothead smoke out all day long?
A. His watch was stuck on 4:20.
- P. Stephan
The Hippie 12 Step Program
1. Get the money.
2. Get the goods.
3. Go home.
4. Roll it up.
5. Light it.
6. Smoke it.
7. Get the money.
8. Get the goods.
9. Go home.
10. Roll it up.
11. Light it.
12. Smoke it.
- GinX
Q. How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five, one to screw it in and four to say how much better Jerry could'a done it.
- No names please....
Q. What do pot and the FSU Seminoles have in common?
A. They both get smoked in bowls
- Doobie
Q. How many pot smokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to twist it and one to light it.
- Donald J. C.
Q: How did the pothead burn his ear?
A: He answered the phone while ironing his clothes.
Q: How did the pothead burn his other Ear ?
A: They called back.
- CAP1977
Q. How many stoners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three. One to twist it in, one to hold the light bulb and another to catch it when the others drop it.
- Pothead
Q. How many blondes does it take to roll a joint?
A. There's aren't enough blondes in the world.
- Christin
Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a car?
A. A stoner rolls faster!
- GinX
Q. How do you keep a stoner in suspense?
A. Tell you later
- Anonymous
Q. What do you call a "Stoned Eskimo"?
A. "Baked Alaskan"
Kel
Q. What did the three-legged dog say when he walked in the bar?
A. I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
Q. What does a stoner say when he loses his pipe?
A. Where is my pipe?
A burnout snorted three Viagra and died. It took a week before they could close the casket.
- Anonymous
A stoner walks into a 7-11 and says to the guy behind the counter, "Got any weed?" The man says, "No, we don't," so the stoner leaves.
The next day the stoner comes back and says, "got any weed?". The man behind the counter once again says, "No, I told you yesterday, we don't sell weed here," and with that the stoner leaves again.
So the stoner comes back the next day and says, "Hey, got any weed?" The man behind the counter says, "Look, asshole, I told you twice already we don't sell any fucking weed in here. If you come in here again and ask for weed I'm gonna nail your fucking feet to the floor you fucking burnout!" So the stoner leaves.
The next day the stoner comes back and says, "Hey, got any nails?" The man behind the counter says, "No." So the stoner says, "Got any weed?"
- Twiggs McGee
A few stoner pick up lines
1. Hey, lets get really stoned and see what happens. Aye?
2. Hey, I have a 14 inch joint.
3. (used only on stoner chicks) Hey, remember me?
4. Oh fuck it, let's smoke a bowl!
5. Would you like to step into my hot box for a moment?
6. I'm not as stoned as I look so lets go steady.
7. Haven't we met in a hot box before?
8. Hey!...... What was I saying again?
9. Hey, I was wondering would you prefer to smoke up or smoke out.
10. Hey......................................
- MR.CATASTROPHY
There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and ,the ,bman ,replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.
To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.
The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".
100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"
- Thanks Alex
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hidingmarijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, butfind no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for
that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to
potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a
pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana
here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.
He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.
The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"
Confucious Quotes
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man!
Gimme another one!"
So two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: 'o' - this is your asshole; 'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."
A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."
The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!
Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A. Wave.
You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?
Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?
A. Mr. President.
Limerick: There once was a bud named B.C. He grew on a 7 foot tree Till one day I plucked him Rolled him&smoked him And now I can barely see!
One bong hit, Two bong hit, Three bong hit, Floor
One day, I was really stoned and drunk at a friend's house. I walked up to her and said, "You need to pick your weed up, man. Someone is going to trip on it."
Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
A. None. Alligators can't fly.
A woman was complaining about how the "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said. This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny... usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al."
A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"
Why do people have lawn mowers? Because cows don't fit in the garage.
Q: What's the point of a weed wacker? A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!
This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!" The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!
A: stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think
I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!
