Sir/Madam/Monster,

SCREWING COMICS THE MARBLE WAY
Now you've done it.
Everytime I was asked what's so special about Vampirella. I didn't know.
Okay, she has got long legs and two big t...eeth, but if comic business were
that easy, other could have copied her success. And I still don't know anysoul
like her. (No fair calling her anybody, with that body!) Well, Ororo is cute,
Tasmia is cute...but Vampi is cult.

HE WHO KNOWS GRITTY REALISM BURNS AT THE TOUCH OF THE EDITOR-THING
And then - enter Vampi #5. And I did know. You let this zombie Altst�tter
loose on her who already managed to spoil my fun of reading the X-Babies
(OK, maybe he is innocent on behalf of the plot, but he drew it anyway, didn't
he?), and, say the magic word "SNIKT" three times, Vampi is fang-deep into
the stupid-hero business. Much violence, no plot. Don't you realize that the
same thing that was a definite improvement for Supie et al. doesn't fit Vampi?
Making her a second-rate Wolverina is a letdown for all her old fans. It's
better to have black-and-white comics and colourful characters than the
other way round.

KIDS IN AMERICA - UPDATED VERSION
I know your problem. You want to make money. (No crime, anyway.) And the
video-generation goes its way. You give them what they want, and the old
ideals lie splattered. Or am I just an old German, living ten years behind the
new zeitgeist? What's up next? Vampi vs the Dinos of Doom? Vampi teaming
up with Loco? Multiple cover-ups? An inflatable Vampi sex doll, complete
with fangs? (I buy it! I buy it!) Maybe Chaos (he's mad, but not stupid) has
found the only way to corrupt Vampi in a way she can't fight: by casting a
spell over her editors...

THE LAST OF THE FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL FANBOYS
How ironic that I, regarded by everyone as an emotionless intellectual, am
such a crybaby over Vampi, eh? I must have been tensomething, as I first
met her in a newspaper strip version. I still remember the famous scene
when she refused to bite W.W.Wade and I thought, "Oh, she  is  a  good
vampire, she doesn't want to make this bastich immortal!" Hehe, fallen into
the same trap as the bastich. Don't erase my past. Don't erase her past.

LLOYD COLE: CALL IT ULTRAVIOLENT RADIATION
Vampi's "true" past is the last thing that keeps me hanging on. It was an
ingenious idea of you to explain the lost ten years as realtime. And it was a
fragging idea to take away Vampis science fiction background. Who brought
up the hole in the creatone layer twenty-five years ago? Uncle Creepy and
Cousin Eerie would surely like the irony: Who goes out only at night because
the sun would destroy them? Mankind after destruction of the ozone layer.
(And by the way, Satyr and Circe are the twin suns, not the moons. The
All-Knowing Moron.) I think you have taken away an integral part of her
character.

I GROK MRS. SPOCK (THE EARS HAVE IT)
I'm not just nostalgic. You had nice ideas, also. I like Vampis new form with
the pointy ears. They are so sexy. Wendy and Pini, eat your heart out. Also
a nice plot device are the vampire night-suits. And for the "Archierella"
page you villains sure deserve the stake, as soon as I have stopped laughing.
But it's all so wasted. You simply got no soul anymore, whatever that means.
I can't define it. But I can feel it without a single thought. "Chelsea vs the
Poltergeist" got soul. Vampi #5 only got the fragging disease.
No sense crying over spilt blood. Cancel the countless account of the count.
He's boring. He's hackneyed. (He's public domain, hehe...) And throw out
those Marble morons at once, and if it means your shipping is another ten
years late! Better Vampi is late than "late".
Enough nagging. Lets get constructive. Do you like to know how a genius like
me would explain her past? Then read the next page!

INFINITE SECRETS ON WAR CRISIS (ALTERNATED AGAIN)
Plot device needed: only a time machine mirror of the Conjuress
Vampi wants to avenge the death of Old van Helsing and tracks down Chelsea.
They fight it out unto death. Both crash through the time gate (maybe Chelsea
flees, maybe it happens in the fight, maybe Adam disturbs them). And now
for the surprise: Chelsea wins and kills Vampi! (Don't panic, you don't get
rid of a vampire that easily. Read on.) In her last dying moments, Vampi
remembers her past again: She IS Chelsea! As Chelsea/Vampi realizes what
she has done, namely a very elaborated way to commit suicide, she literarily
goes batty. Chelsea was an unstable teenager anyway, and now her mind
pops up the whole Vampi sci-fi drama as a psychic self-defense.
Fits perfectly, what? Chelseas age is exactly right. Furthermore it would
give an ironic twist to the story so far - Shrouds construction of a new
Vampirella, Old van Helsings death... But what about our favorite lady?

BAT OUT OF HELL PART 2 - BACK INTO HELL
The soul of Vampirella finds herself, to her astonishment, rotting in hell.
God rules, y'know. That to her, a lifelong fighter against evil! Sorry, no
amendments to Commandment 5. She realizes that God (not seen as the
Highest Being, but more like the gnostic rogue universe maker!) and Satan
divided up the spiritual world, like US and SU the material world. But she
has a friend down there - Astaroth, the fallen goddess. They team up some
female monster squad (Tiamat, Medusa...) and really raise hell. You can't
hide from Womens Lib. (The outcome of this storyline depends only on how
much blasphemy you can get away with. If she comes back as a female
messias, that's OK. If she stays as Queen of the Underworld - remember
all her attributes are those of the Moon Goddess - that's OK either.)
Now how do you like it? I would even write plots for you without getting paid,
to prevent Vampirella from going down the drainstream.
Some companys fear me. Some hate me. All are alien to me. I am the last
of my kind. I am THE READER.
Yours veinglorious
HR

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