(c) 2001, Bent Lorentzen, all rights reserved
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CONTENT INDEX within page of Reviews and Interviews by Bent Lorentzen::
Go to "On The Path" by Nancy W.
Go to Regional Conference for: Victims Of Incest Can Emerge as Survivors (VOICES)
Go to "Forgiveness" by Dr. Sidney & Suzanne Simon
Go to "Men and Shame" and other tapes by Patrick Dougherty
Go to "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" by Steven Farmer, MA, MFCC
Go to "Emotional Healing, A Program for Emotional Sobriety," by Karen Paine-Gernee and Terry Hunt
Go to "Broken Boys, Mending Men" by Steven Grubman-Black
Go to Interview with Steven Grubman-Black
"Death and Dying" Workshop becomes Forum for Incest Survivors
by
A.R.Nørgaard
First Published in 1991: Sober Times
and also by Flyng Monkey Foundation
Where else except in Atlanta could a workshop on "Death and Dying," attracting health care professionals from all over the world turn into an Incest Survivors session. After all, Atlanta is home to the Braves, host to the 1996 Olympics, and, according to Fortune 500 Magazine, the fastest growing business community in America. Things are happening in Atlanta.
Stephen Levine weekend workshops have traditionally been associated with the Hospice work spearheaded by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. But on Oct. 5-6 [1991], the Georgia World Congress Center hosted an unusual Levine workshop. Unusual only because of the attendees.
Stephen Levine has written several books to help those who are dying and their caregivers go through the process as consciously as possible. Two hundred and fifty nurses, AIDS patients, doctors, psychologists, bed-ridden cancer victims, and concerned people gathered in a small auditorium deep within the cavernous bowels of the World Congress Center to interact and learn from someone who has efficiently brought the Buddhist concept of "reduce all suffering" into a viable and marketable form for mainstream America.
Said Levine, "This will be one of the last 'intimate' workshops I'll do. I will be doing much less travelling, staying at home with Ondrea and sitting."
The workshop format is simple. Each of the two days begins with a relaxation technique, and then Levine lectures for a while on what he has become so articulate: death, its pain, and healing.
When he opened the forum to the attendees, who came forward to several strategically situated microphones, another sort of pain took center stage. It began with a hospice minister who spoke frankly about coping with the pain of his tragic childhood and the addictions now plaguing him. His candor was magnetic, attracting dozens others to come forth with their own issues, including incest and suicide.
Levine, ever straightforward in his sometimes challenging manner, deftly integrated this divergence into the program. After all, pain is pain, whether it is the physical hell of cancer or the mental agony of a dysfunctional life. "Go into the pain," he said with his deep resonant voice. "Don't fight it. Have a 'soft-belly' with it. Pain is the body's wondrous indicator, which only becomes a problem when you identify yourself as a sufferer." Soft-belly is Levine's catch phrase and epitomizes his teaching of surrendering to a "higher power" so that healing can occur. "Have mercy on yourself," he said to a woman who had been molested as a child and now molests herself.
Several psychologists and social workers took the forum and, together with Levine, proposed that the recovery movement sweeping America is a natural response to an unmet need in our culture. This unmet need can result from parents who neglect their children or the extreme of sexual and psychological torture of children. All of which leads to dysfunctional coping skills that often turn to horribly addictive patterns. "It's probably always been there," said Levine. "We're just seeing it now because of the attention drawn to it." It's all part of the evolving process of human consciousness, to paraphrase Levine.
The recovery movement is an awakening spiritualism in America, and is touching every facet of our culture, including a workshop on "Death and Dying." Where society finds the greatest pain, that can be a prime indicator of where healing is necessary. And healing, according to Levine, comes about by being compassionate with yourself and doing whatever it takes to not be a sufferer. "Forgive those who hurt you," affirmed Levine. "But don't forget."
To really hammer home the point, Levine talked about how awful Hitler's childhood must have been to sway his personality to such brutal compulsions. Another attendee pointed out that in this same century the most oppressive regimes on earth have near-bloodlessly dissolved. It is a magical time we live in.
The focus seemed to return to those dealing directly with physical death when two women related their breast cancer tragedies, when again, one of the women revealed her greatest pain came through dealing with the alcoholism in her family and not being able to forgive her father for smoking cigarettes. She blamed her father for her cancer. Levine was quick to point out that he smoked cigarettes. Blaming others for what we now feel, he suggested, won't heal anything. Using whatever techniques are comfortable, one should bring consciousness to pain and it will teach us what we need to do. It's magical.
The lesson brought forth by the workshop is that pain-- social, psychological or physical--can be used to heal. This isn't to say one should be masochistic--an addiction in itself--but pain is life's way of drawing attention to where there is a lack of awareness. This can lead to a dispassionate and optimistic view of life. Rather than become depressed by pain, we can understand it as a growth potential. We may not be able to survive the cancer, or conquer an addiction, but we can surrender to that which is in us.
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(C)1991, Sober Times, Bent Lorentzen
A REVIEW
by
Bent Lorentzen
of
by
Nancy W.
Nancy W.'s ON THE PATH is a peculiar book. "Designed as a daily companion, this book can be easily carried in pocket, briefcase, or purse. It includes a removable jacket to insure privacy." Compact only in size, the book overflows with significant content. The author mechanically divided it into 52 weekly meditations, each a 1st person affirmation monologue.
Some might consider these passages no more than autobiographical fragments. And I would have enjoyed affirmations that didn't include so many negative verbs. However, as a victim, I understand the need to acknowledge the awful past, much as it also needs to be let go. To grow up abused creates a life filled with unconscious negative self images that we are loathe to face. "Know thyself" is a recurring theme in many of the great classics. These epics begin as a journey into the pains of childhood and end with a passage into one's higher self. The introspective process is often painful. Thus, Nancy W., a victim of sexual abuse, asks the reader to be compassionate when using her book. A book that was her tool on her passage into survival.
There is no plot, no tedious psychological discourses, or even gut-wrenching accountings of past abuse. Just a year's worth of affirmations.
The author holds a Masters in Education and works extensively with abused children and adolescents.
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(C) Sober Times 1991, Recover Magazine 1991, Bent Lorentzen
VOICES HOSTS FIRST REGIONAL CONFERENCE ON INCEST SURVIVAL AT THE DURHAM HILTON
by
Bent Lorentzen
Few realities evoke more passion and pain in society than the sexual molestation of children. On a record-breaking cold weekend (Nov. 8-10, 1991) in North Carolina, VOICES in Action, Inc., presented its first ever Regional Conference on surviving sexual molestation at the Durham Hilton. Titled "Breaking the Silence: Healing the Pain," hundreds of molestation survivors, pro-survivors, and professionals gathered on this dark weekend and brought light and warmth to an even darker subject.
Of particular concern were the workshops headed by the Rev. Kathleen Roney-Wilson, a survivor of Satanic abuse and now a Baptist minister in New Jersey. With unabashed candor, she stripped away the dark mystique of Satanism, describing it as, "a lifetime of ritualized masochistic rape."
"Recovery from this kind of ritualized abuse is difficult," she said, "because Satanists take every piece of a person's personality and body and dehumanizes it." Satanists believe that a child's soul is spoken for since birth and they use every day items (eg: spoons) to rape even babies. Throughout that child's life, items, places and words most of us take for granted are used as fear-inducing reinforcements to keep them in line. Most of these children have seen their favorite pets brutally ravaged, and many have seen another child ritually tortured and murdered. In fact, one attendee suggested the Conference rename its SAFE room (A professionally staffed acting-out room at the Hilton). "The word SAFE," she explained, "is an insidious acronym of Satanists, and stands for Satan Always Finds Everyone." Satanists use such words to trigger a subconscious response from even those who have long been in recovery. Rev. Roney-Wilson was quick to point out that Wicca, or white magic, is not remotely related to Satanism.
The Conference began Friday evening with a smart, one act play titled, "Fragmented." Joanna Smith, a psychotherapist, put on a moving performance. She slipped, like someone suffering from a multiple personality disorder, between the characters of a prudish therapist, a Catholic nun, a little girl afraid of the "dragon with the long tail," the mother, and the dentist father who always seemed to be there to pull the dragon's tail out of his daughter's mouth.
Tracey Colyer, national VP of VOICES in Action, Inc., opened the Conference on Saturday morning. She explained how this was the first regional conference for VOICES (Victims Of Incest Can Emerge Survivors). In an interview with Sober Times, Tracey came across as a thriving survivor. A Phd. candidate working in a biochemistry lab at Duke University, she outlined her commitment to VOICES and to helping incest victims emerge.
"I first heard about VOICES in March of '85, when I was a student and saw a Ms Magazine article on the organization. I had no money to join. I knew I had been victimized by my mother's second husband. In November, I got a $40.00 gift from my mom. That's how I became a member."
In her calm reassuring manner, she explained how this step led her to recognize she wasn't alone in her pain. She quickly went from a victim to someone who was helping others. "In February of '88 there was a call for Board members and I was voted on. Things went fast," she smiled reflectively. "In August of '88, I became treasurer, then V.P... This Conference is a dream come true for me. To make it happen and save flight money for Board meetings, we did a lot of phone teleconferencing. VOICE's national headquarters is in Chicago.
"The U.S. is broken into six regions," explained Nan Karl, VOICES' President and a New Jersey parent, "and it was Tracey's exceptional efforts that brought this inaugural Conference to Durham."
"With the success of this Regional," continued Tracey, "we hope to bring a Conference to Kansas City in a year or year and a half. Then one to the Northeast Region: New jersey or New York somewhere." The highly successful National Conferences will continue as they have for several years in the Chicagoland area.
The Conference was fast paced, splitting into several sessions composed of five concurrent workshops of an hour and a half each. There was something for everyone and many of the workshops were translated for the hearing impaired by a signer. In one workshop, Partners of Survivors, Mark Bailes and Pat DeBoer, clinicians from Blue Ridge Psychological Services in Raleigh, N.C., taught the significant others of incest victims how to be a part of the recovery process without sacrificing their own stability.
While most of those attending were women, there is a growing awareness of just how many men are victims. Stephen Grubman-Black, Phd., and author of the acclaimed book, Broken Boys/Mending Men: Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse, led two workshops. He shared his past. "At age five I kept vomiting and going to the hospital. It was really remarkable that the doctors never questioned why I contracted hepatitis at that age." Often referencing Robert Bly's work to dispel homophobia, Grubman-Black talked about the added difficulty men face when recovering from childhood abuse. "What happens to many survivors... concern that I attracted this man to abuse me... that I must be gay. The vast majority of perpetrators," he explained, "are heterosexual and go after children because it's convenient and has nothing to do with the gender of the victim." He later led an emotion-filled group session, where men cried as they shared deeply rooted pain.
Grubman-Black, in an interview with Sober Times, discussed his next book. "'Controlling the Damage,'" is its working title," he said, his gentle eyes sparkling. "It addresses what we should do as a society about this issue." As he talked, his demeanor took on the character of one who has endured agony and come through it to help others. "--Enough already! I'd love to go to the Pentagon and talk with the men there about their issues... that translates into so much pain for the world. Men have to take responsibility now... so we can help younger boys... and the future.
"When I submitted 'Broken Boys/Mending Men,' an editor called and said 'a psychologist friend says sexual abuse of boys doesn't occur.'" The glint in Grubman-Black's eyes deepened. "Now, people write me, 'I'm not alone anymore.' In the future book, due out in September, a lot of what had been edited out will be included... I will be looking at men's stories in a different way, asking 'what helped you?'"
Elizabeth (Libba) Wells, an Imago Relationship therapist, led the Listening to Your Inner Child workshop. Through her guided imagery session, several conference members confronted a vivid re-experiencing of sublimated trauma. To a standing-room-only crowd, she managed to affirm these victims' sad and often intensely angry emotions.
Sexual addiction is slowly being recognized as perhaps the most difficult issue to overcome as a victim of abuse. Brain chemistry that once acted as a coping mechanism against abuse can become a challenging adult addiction. Mark Nichols, director of the Arizona based sexual compulsivity treatment facility, Cottonwood de Tucson, candidly opened his workshop by saying, "My sexual acting-out has been in remission for 14 years... There are many ways of describing this... problem," he continued. "Hypersexuality, compulsive sexual behavior, or simply 'horniness.' ...Most therapists themselves are so uncomfortable with their own sexuality that they are loathe to discuss their patients' bizarre sexual behaviors. It is much easier to discuss past trauma than the here-and-now of unmanageable sexual behaviors."
Linda Miller, a research associate at the Department of Psychiatry at the UNC School of Medicine led an audiovisual presentation on the biochemical implications of childhood abuse. She suggested that additional to the standard flight/fight response of such trauma, research is pointing to an additional one: freeze--the surrender response. A continued pattern of abuse causes a disorganization of the thought processes, that then conditions the response. Eventually, this can lead to hyperarousal, meaning that the victim is always ready for something. "The accumulative effect of all this," she said, "results in learned helplessness, sensation seeking, psychological numbing, and self-medication." One major area of research has to do with why there is a marked serotonin hormone level decrease in the brain during chronic distress. Another area being studied is centered on the biochemistry of memory and how to help those who suffer from repressed abuse trauma.
In Exploring the Spiritual Side, Bonnie Jean Garner, Phd., author of Abused, had the participants share their concepts of God, parents, and authority. After a simple meditation, one attendee remarked, "This Conference is the safest place I've felt in a long time." Garner told a folk tale describing the wisdom of "engaging pain to overcome it." There are two lines of people. One moving toward the cool comfort of water, the other toward a consuming fire. Those entering the fire only feel a brief pain followed by an emergence in the cool water. Those choosing to enter the comfort of the water find themselves in the flames. The point being, suggested Garner, confronting pain is healing; avoiding pain magnifies it.
Though VOICES' primary aim is to provide direct support to victims, a few of the workshops were geared for the professional. A local counsellor warned against the potential for therapists to "re-traumatize the client by making her remember past events in somebody's office." Workshop facilitator Marge Lenane, past researcher for the National Institute of Mental Health, agreed, indicating how important it was for therapists not to re-victimize their patients, particularly during inner-child work.
It wasn't all trauma. Sounds one might expect to hear in a kindergarten often echoed through the halls at the Hilton. In a workshop led by Sharon Dougherty, M.S., and her world-famous Innermotion Dance Troupe, the participants let go of rigid adult self-images and played with each other as children. Singing songs like "London Bridge," they engaged in the kinds of happy-go-lucky activities often seen in a playground. It was remarkable to see the faces of these wounded souls glow and spew innocent laughter. This joy carried into the closing ceremonies.
Other psychotherapy adjuncts, such as massage techniques were demonstrated. "In Russia," explained Kelly Cross, MFA, CMT, "doctors routinely prescribe massage as quickly as pain medication." The issues of confronting perpetrators and launching lawsuits against them were addressed by VOICES President, Nan Karl.
Among many of the unique features to the conference was THE BANNER PROJECT. Four huge quilts, compiled of 8 1/2" X 11" fabric sections inscribed with a victim's hand outline and a personal message, adorned the walls of the Hilton. Any incest survivor, male or female, is encouraged to submit a section by contacting the Banner Project, PO Box 989, Madison, WI, 53701-0989. Here is a poem on one section:
"Little girl behind the pain,
Lives her life trapped in shame;
Blood drained from her young heart,
Father tore her heart apart."
Most of the workshops were professionally taped and will be available in this media soon. For more information, the national VOICES office is PO Box 148309, Chicago, IL, 60614, and their telephone # is (312) 327-1500.
To many of us who are working the twelve step program, a survivors' organization that charges a membership fee might seem a little questionable on the surface. Aside from a yearly national conference, and now the regional ones, VOICES generates and distributes a vast quantity of quality literature and sponsors research to educate the public about incest and related abuse. New members receive a bulging Survivors Kit. Statistically, one in three or four children have been sexually molested. Most of these victims never understand why they endure unhappy or dysfunctional lives. VOICES is an international organization that is succeeding in reaching out to these millions of victims. Incorporated into VOICES are some ninety SIGs (special interest groups) that can focus on the particular needs of a region or group. By becoming a member in VOICES, a victim is helped on the journey to becoming a thriving survivor.
The next VOICES conference will be its 10th Annual. Titled "Turning Trauma into Triumph," it will be held in Chicago from July 10-12, 1992. If you have an idea for a workshop, proposals are due by Jan. 20, 1992 by contacting Nina Corwin at (312)-946-1085, or Phyl Froehle at (708)-257-8755.
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(C)1989, Sober Times, Bent Lorentzen
A Review
by
Bent Lorentzen
of
by
Dr. Sidney B. Simon and Suzanne Simon
Bravo for this book! In fact, don't bother with the rest of my review and head right for the bookstore to buy it. It's the best self-help book on surviving childhood abuse I've read.
The two authors, one a well known therapist and professor of psychology at U. Mass and the other his "survivor" wife who heads an incest survival group, begin the book by suggesting to forgive those who hurt you. On the surface, such a notion may seem Christian, but lacking in a psychological basis. However, the act of forgiveness, as the Simons propose, has nothing to do with turning the other cheek in humble acquiescence. In their own words: "Chances are that you have been engaging in ongoing psychological warfare with... anyone who ever hurt you. The ultimate irony in that in many cases, they [those who hurt you] aren't even aware of your misery, and while you're turning yourself inside out, they don't feel a thing." The authors go on to show how forgiveness is something you do for yourself. You don't even have to tell those who hurt you that you've forgiven them. And you definitely don't have to forget what they did to you.
Unexpectedly, the book does a remarkable thing. It dives fully into every aspect of "having been hurt by another." Actually, "Forgiveness" flies above it, giving the reader an intriguing view of the treacherous terrain of one's path out of pain. In a simple and captivating language, the Simons lead the reader on a chapter by chapter direction through the several stages of healing. Each chapter includes excellent exercise sets and clarification strategies.
A few of the chapters may not be as meaningful to some as to others. That's quite alright. You may find yourself out of the denial or self-blame stages, and thus not find Chapters Five and Six meaningful. But upon touching the first stage which you can identify with--and believe me, you will--it will be impossible to put the book down.
What is it about "Forgiveness" which is so remarkable? For one thing, it clearly lets you know where you're at in the process. It also states, in no uncertain terms, that all the confusing self abuse you find yourself engaged in--systematic suicide, it's called--is part of the healing process. Systematic suicide is the bit by bit killing of yourself through any behavior that is unhealthy or even unfulfilling.
A particular addictive behavior doesn't necessarily mean that you're in a particular phase. You could be "denying" i.e., refusing to accept the hurt you suffered and its present fix on you. And "maintaining denial over an extended period of time requires outside assistance, and you get that assistance from alcohol, drugs, food, indiscriminate sex, co-dependant relationships, workaholism, gambling, shopping, endless T.V. watching, and any other compulsive or distracting behavior imaginable."
Yet, you might be trapped by these addictive patterns for a completely different reason. Upon accepting that you've been hurt, and acknowledging present dysfunctions--it could be as simple as not being happy--you might begin wallowing in your suffering. The authors are quick to point out that such self-indulgence is an important part of the healing process. You might have an unsatisfied need for affection and attention. "Self indulgers act out their victimhood in all of the obvious ways--by drinking, using drugs, bingeing, gambling, indiscriminate sex..." However, at some point, it's important to go on. Systematic suicide will kill you.
My favorite chapter deals with anger. Oh, how we who have grown up in certain families are woe to express anger. But it does get expressed; in ways that strike out without the obvious rage so often associated with anger. If our anger, an important fire in the healing process, is improperly expressed, the authors suggest healthy ways to use that energy. Most recommended: engage in volunteer activity. Give of yourself and you'll get yourself back tenfold. This, the indignation stage, is a place where you want to open a window and shout, "I'm mad as hell, and I ain't going to take it any longer." Well, by following through with this book, you won't have to.
The authors end their Survivor Chapter with the wonderful "Autobiography in Five Chapters" by Portia Nelson. The Fifth Chapter is the simple sentence, "I walk down another street." This, after having fallen into the same rut on the same street for so many not-so-good reasons.
The final chapter teaches how to integrate yourself into a whole being, full of wants, hurts, and joys, but especially with a fresh perspective of yourself and the world around you. The previous chapters warmly sustained you above the landscape of your hurts, now it's time to land and become fully alive.
Again, stop wallowing and go buy the book immediately.
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(C) 1989, Sober Times, Bent Lorentzen
"MEN AND SHAME" and "FINDING OUR FATHERS"
tapes by Patrick Dougherty
Reviewed by Bent Lorentzen
Maybe on the ancient plains of the European continent, or only a few generations ago among the fruited plains and purple mountains of native America, the nurturing femininity of "man" was acknowledged. Folklore idealizes this. But sometime between then and now, men have learned to forsake this valuable inner dimension. In an era dominated by the shadow of women's liberation, it is refreshing to find a voice that so clearly and unabashedly grasps the evolving consciousness of "manhood." In the two tapes I reviewed, "Men and Shame" and "Finding Our Fathers," Patrick Dougherty captures a rare and emerging view of men on the road to emotional recovery from shame and grief.
With his pleasing Boston Irish twang, Dougherty states that "men seek the 'missing piece' for their whole lives, never learning that it lies within themselves." There is a great, unresolved grief in this. Men's role models--usually their fathers--teach them to "hate the feminine inside them. To hate the part of us that wants to be tender with other men." We are taught early on to be "homophobic." And so we (men) live our lives, constantly in search of that missing piece, often looking for it in our relations with women. Dougherty says that he often suggests that women who question the harshness in men view the film "Platoon" to understand how men are taught to be unfeeling. And how this tears men apart, literally.
The tapes are recordings of a retreat, so they are dynamic and filled with real insight rather than a boring dissertation. Real men seeking real solutions badger Dougherty with real questions. And he offers real solutions. To get over the pains and unresolved issues of childhood, it is crucial to speak about them. Intellectually understanding the issues will resolve nothing. Seeing a therapist will not heal the old wounds. Only honest discussion with other men will begin the healing. Like so many others in "recovery's" leading edge, Dougherty strongly recommends the 12 step program.
He balances his discussions with humor and ancient wisdom. He quotes Kabir and his "macho" uncle in the same breath. His fearlessness of intimacy--once only a woman's term, he says--reflects his own personal journey out of the "myth of man." The topics delve into lost innocence and spontaneity, bonding, anger, and shame as he leads the retreatants into self-awareness exercises that cannot fail to touch the listener from afar.
The only flaw in the tapes is that it is often hard to hear a question posed to Dougherty. But he generally paraphrases these questions to everyone's benefit, and anyway, that's a small drawback to an enlightening set of tapes. One cannot go away from listening to these tapes without believing that humanity is poised at the edge of a quantum leap into a higher consciousness. This stuff is real, not the "flower power" of the sixties. Wives, girlfriends and daughters would do well to hear these tapes in order to better understand and help the men in their lives.
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(c) 1990, Sober Times, Bent Lorentzen
A Review by Bent Lorentzen of:
Adult Children of Abusive Parents
by
Steven Farmer, M.A., M.F.C.C.
"If you have everything but love, you have nothing. If you have nothing but love, you have everything."
--Alan Cohen (as quoted by Steven Farmer in Adult Children of Abusive Parents)
The quality of a gem is in its ability to evoke profound brilliance in a setting characterized by mediocrity. There is a plethora of good books in the self-help market for survivors of childhood abuse. Many, unfortunately, seem motivated only to capitalize on this tragic social problem. Steven Farmer's Adult Children of Abusive Parents, however, is a diamond.
As a survivor I occasionally still suffer self-destructive episodes. I was brutalized as a child, and it is only now, at the age of 37 and entering medical school, that I am allowing myself to heal. Just before the holiday season, which for me was a particularly difficult time, I was given Farmer's book to review. As I suffered through the stages that typify my addictive patterns, I began reading it. The book proved invaluable, serving to reinforce my own abilities in dealing with a crisis situation. Once the threat had passed, I re-read it from a more critical and objective stance.
Stephen Farmer, director for ADULT CHILDREN OF ABUSIVE PARENTS, does not waste a word in his book. Like the gentle hand of the Mother we may never have had, it helps us retrace our way back to the Child that lies buried within.
The book begins by analyzing abuse from the perspective of victims and accurately enumerates, with depth, compassion and hope, all possible "roles" survivors may find themselves painfully trapped in. We, who have been abused, often cannot play in life, but have assumed for ourselves rigid, self protective roles which are paradoxically self destructive.
First recommending the development of a support system (he suggests a 12-Step Program and perhaps a therapist: the back of the book clearly lists these options) Farmer, with his unique blending of quotes, warm prose, and simple outlining, takes the reader on a guided voyage that should lead to emotional health if followed through.
Farmer comfortably uses awareness techniques often associated with meditation or stress-reduction practices. The book is a virtual cornucopia of such exercises.
Become a compassionate, non-judgmental observer of the self, he suggests. In one exercise, he has you sit quietly, bringing you to an inner stillness through a breath technique, and then gently provokes you to an awareness of all those people who may have hurt you in the past. Letting these entities metaphorically encircle you, Farmer has you confront each one, forgiving them, and then acknowledging to yourself that these people no longer have power over you.
Farmer's literary style has the remarkable capacity to evoke one's own healing processes. He submits that we hold deep within ourselves a Mother patiently awaiting the opportunity to nurture into happiness that caged child that also lies within. This is Jungian archetypical psychology at its best.
The trick is to take the plunge.
I was particularly touched by Farmer's exercises relating to play. He teaches how to observe children having fun, and suggests that the survivor eventually learn to play with children, and finally learn to play with other adults. "Let go of control," he writes. Let go of those roles that we were forced into as children ourselves, because now is the time to set aside that trauma and get on with the gift and joy of life.
And what about the next generation? Farmer describes delightful exercises for the development of healthy parenting skills. He illustrates how fun it can be to "break that cycle" of abuse while still maintaining order and respect within the family.
This is a book everyone can gain from, even those not suffering from childhood abuse.
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Book Review
(C) 1991, Sober Times, Bent Lorentzen
EMOTIONAL HEALING, A PROGRAM FOR EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY
by
Karen Paine-Gernee and Terry Hunt, Ed.D.
Reviewed by
Bent Lorentzen
Karen Paine-Gernee and Terry Hunt, Ed.D., have written an unusual book with EMOTIONAL HEALING: A PROGRAM FOR EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY. At first glance it seems too lengthy. But you can't judge a book from its jacket, or in this case, the volume of pages between its jacket.
It reads like a novel. I realized this after having set it down the first time and then picking it up some few days later. During the intervening period I found I couldn't wait to return to it. There was something about it. And coming home one evening and seeing it on my desk it called out to me, like an old friend wanting only to comfort and heal old wounds from childhood.
The authors, both of who are psychotherapists and survivors, use a descriptive introspective writing style. EMOTIONAL HEALING is a voyage into the self. With unabashed candidness and spiritual nakedness the authors explore their own emotional baggage within the secure framework of familiar psychological references.
And though written by therapists, it is far from being clinically overbearing even as it makes detailed statements about addictions. For example, "We are not necessarily addicted to drugs or alcohol but we are addicts of excitement... situations or things that activates the nervous system to respond and release adrenaline into the system, a mechanism familiarly known as the fight-flight response." This flight-fight response is a widely accepted anthropology theory which postulates that the body releases chemical stimulants in times of stress due to the evolution of a survival mechanism. In order to excite the central nervous system into instant action, adrenaline rushes through the body, cancelling pain response and causing the body to possess superhuman strength for a few minutes. A remarkable adaptation if attacked by a lion; emotionally deleterious if it becomes addictive as the result of child abuse. And apparently many addictions are biologically premised on this response mechanism.
In my own childhood I was severely brutalized, and to this day I suffer from periods when the day by day mundane activity of life seems so lacking in excitement that I seek self-destructive habituated patterns. It was rather a shock to read such an eloquent accounting of the mechanisms involved in my addictive pattern. Karen writes that one of the hardest things for an addicted personality to learn is "to adjust to the simple pace of everyday life instead of the chaotic pace of a life filled with crisis."
Another surprise in the book comes in its analysis of the victimized child's loyalty toward the abusive parent(s). This is something that has always baffled me: why would I, even today, seek to justify my father's cruelty. Karen and Terry relate their own past and that of their patients in answering that question. Children naturally want peace within their home and thus seek to mitigate their parents' discord. This an impossible task for a child whose own character is in flux. Eventually it turns into dysfunctional behaviors.
The book uses an interesting metaphor to graphically differentiate a healthy personality from one which has been traumatized by abuse as a child. "Healthy cells demonstrate good contact at their boundaries by discriminating between nutrition and poison, and by positioning and duplicating themselves. The healthy person must do the same. To have a semipermeable membrane, to know when to allow in and when to keep out, means you will be an active rather than a passive participant in it. To manage contact well is an expression of self, integrity, and freedom." The idea is to have a clear sense of autonomy in order to healthily establish your border within the framework of society. And from my own personal experiences as a victim, that is of paramount difficulty, a difficulty well addressed throughout the book.
EMOTIONAL HEALING leaves no stone un-turned. Sexuality is fully explored, as are a whole range of co-dependency behaviors and drug addictions--even coffee.
Karen and Terry are very upbeat in their description of what's available for the victim to become a survivor, recommending membership in an appropriate AA-type of group as an important first step. An interesting chapter is devoted to the deeper dimensions of the process: a trust in God, however one might perceive that to be, is essential. With great strength and finesse, Karen reveals a shocking fact about herself which should provide special inspiration to those facing the severest of odds in life.
Like a good novel, when I'd finished reading EMOTIONAL HEALING I put it down with a decidedly satisfied feeling.
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(c) 1990, Sober Times, Bent Lorentzen
--Stephen Grubman-Black
A Review
by
Bent Lorentzen
As with co-dependence a few years ago, the self-help market is on the threshold of an explosion, this time with male-oriented guides to "surviving childhood abuse." It is essential that these books come out, and I, a survivor, welcome them.
Broken Boys, Mending Men, though well intended and obviously written with a great deal of emotion, misses the mark. Like the alliteration in its title, the text is scattered and shallow. This is unfortunate because the author obviously has much to offer.
Stephen Grubman-Black does share numerous, albeit disjointed, insights through expository writing and through the subtle nuances of poetry. But this sharing does not draw the reader in. The range of experiences upon which the author premisses his writing is too narrow to be meaningful for the broader cross section of society that suffers from childhood abuse or to help mainstream society understand the depth of this heretofore "hidden" problem.
He suggests (and expands on) the development of a type of non-machismo male solidarity in which men who have survived sexual molestation can find within themselves and their comrades a sense of healing. This is commendable. But Broken Boys, Mending Men reminded me a little of the proliferation of books during the heyday of the women's consciousness movement, which were a verbal montage of shocking, though well-intended, glimpses at a painful past. The problem with such books is that they tend to polarize the reader.
In fact, I found some of his narrative downright distressing. Unless you have a specific reason for shocking your reader, don't explicitly relate the terrors of childhood molestation without a nurturing tone. It's not enough to write a few words that bespeak of compassion, the text must imbibe it--and this book doesn't until you've managed to grope through several chapters. It too quickly offers too much cold suffering and emotional regurgitation. Though its stated purpose is to do so, this title tenders little comfort to a wounded soul. Perhaps one of its flaws is that it doesn't move the spirit in its quest for a higher succor, in whatever form we might acknowledge this.
This is unfortunate because men sorely need books which reinforce the idea that we needn't sustain a false machismo to retain our manhood. We needn't pretend that we don't hurt when in fact our hearts ache and all we want to do is cry. The whole idea of homophobia is a self-imposed prejudice that needs to be torn down. And we needn't forsake our natural male strength in a process that includes solidarity and a willingness to accept help from wherever our hearts find peace: deep within (or above), or perhaps even in the serene reflections of nature Herself.
Hopefully, books that can evoke this attitude in a meaningful way will be forthcoming.
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A Brief Interview With Stephen Grubman-Black
by
Bent Lorentzen
While covering the recent Southeastern Regional VOICES (Victims of Incest Can Emerge Survivors) in Durham, North Carolina, I met with writer Stephen Grubman-Black, Phd. Author of the acclaimed book, Broken Boys/Mending Men: Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse, he led two workshops at the Conference.
Bent: What brought you to helping men recover from incest? Sexual abuse of boys is not something you hear a lot about.
Black: At age five I kept vomiting and going to the hospital... It was really remarkable that the doctors never questioned why I contracted hepatitis at that age. Now, as an educator, I find that there are a lot of men out there silently suffering the way I did... afraid to come forth. What happens to many survivors... concern that I attracted this man to abuse me... that I must be gay. The vast majority of perpetrators are heterosexual and go after children because it's convenient and has nothing to do with the gender of the victim.
Bent: I was very impressed with the candidness and depth of your book, Broken Boys/Mending Men: Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse. I understand you are writing another one. Is it on the same subject?
Black: (His eyes sparkling) "Controlling the Damage" is its working title. It addresses what we should do as a society about this issue.
Bent: How so?
Black: It's about responsibility. And future generations. The sexual abuse of little boys is far more prevalent than society is willing to admit. How are we going to survive as a species by denying the existence of this abuse? These frightened boys go on to become the shapers of tomorrow's world. Let's do something now!
Bent: I remember driving through Albuquerque on Interstate 40 once and seeing a huge billboard that said, "Never hurt a child. Never... Never... Never ever." And in my native Denmark, the government realized in the 1950's that only by treating children right could another world war be prevented. Yet my father molested me as an infant while my mom looked on, and children are murdering children every day in the inner cities...
As I spoke, his demeanor took on the character of one who has endured terrible agony and come through it...
Black: --Exactly! I'd love to go to the Pentagon and talk with the men there about their issues... that translates into so much pain for the world. Men have to take responsibility now... so we can help younger boys... and the future.
When I submitted Broken Boys/Mending Men..., an editor called and said "a psychologist friend says sexual abuse of boys doesn't occur." (The glint in Grubman-Black's eyes deepened.) Now, people write me, "I'm not alone anymore." In the future book, due out in September, a lot of what had been edited out will be included... I will be looking at men's stories in a different way, asking "what helped you?"
Grubman-Black invited me to sit in on his two workshops over the weekend. Since I had to report on other concurrent workshops at the Durham Hilton, I walked in on his group at an emotionally wrenching moment. A dozen men and two or three women were gathered around Grubman-Black and a tall man. The man was in tears and the group around him was intent on lending emotional support. Grubman-Black looked up at me as I entered the room and without saying a word begged that I not invade this brief and shattering moment.
Quietly walking out, I reflected on my own healing work. There probably is no greater difficulty for a man than to openly break through shame among other men. Even now, with all the hoopla of the Men's Movement, it is very difficult for men to allow themselves to indulge emotionally. In Western Civilization many generations ago, men somehow boxed themselves into an emotional desert for god-knows-what-reason. But we have to extricate ourselves from this box at any cost. The future of our children, and thus the world, hangs on it.
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