Last night I had this dream that it is before the concert and I am more stoked than I ever have been in my life because I am going to play bass for Weezer because their bass player hurt his hand. I am so excited and can't wait to tell all my friends afterwards because this is the biggest moment in my life. So after chillin out for a while, the real bass player of Weezer shows up and tells me he is capable of playing bass again and I don't have to do it. I was so EFFING pissed and I started crying but I played it off in front of the other Weezer guys like I didn't even care, likewise, I had to hide my tears and act like I wasn't crying. So then I walk around playing some monster bass licks, in hopes that they will fire their bass guy and use me anyway because I know that I am way better than he is. The cool thing is, I was actually playing made up basslines, and the intervals of frets and notes really did match up and everything like they would in real life. I only know that because I know my guitar neck well enough to know the difference between frets and notes, not that I came up with some spectacular song or anything. But they recognized my skill, and still did not give me a job, they just let me do the lights or some offstage crap that I didn�t want to do one bit, because I wanted to play bass.
So then, all of the sudden, I am playing like 4 on 4 football with the guys from Weezer in a grass field, which is surrounded for miles by nothing but farms and deadland. I was being a sour sport in football too, probably because I was still mad about the bass thing, but my own team members were getting mad at me for playing like a [butthead], and then I felt bad again because if Weezer didn't like me than I had no reason to live.
-by Matt Z.
MY SISTER THE RETARD:
I went home a few weekends ago to see my family. I was happy to find out that the public schools also had Friday off, so I would be able to spend a lot of time with my sister�I blame it on temporary insanity. Saturday morning Blake was being her usual obnoxious self. There was a box elder bug on the window, and she grabbed a stick of bamboo out of my mom�s planter in order to torture it. Like most things, this got boring after a while, and she found a much larger subject to torture�me. She waited for a strategic moment when my back was turned and she poked me in the butt with the bamboo, and started laughing hysterically. Not amused, I turned around and grabbed the stick from her. Immediately her hysteria turned to panic as she ran down the stairs and into her room. She propped a chair in front of the door, which I easily moved and began to sneak into her room with my bamboo looking for revenge. All of a sudden she comes tearing out of her room with a pillow duct taped around her waist covering her butt. She then taunted me saying, �Come on! Just try and get me!� At that moment revenge was the furthest thing on my mind, mainly because I was having trouble breathing from laughing so hard. For any of you who got Blake�s quiz email and saw the question about �sticking bamboo up people�s butts,� now you know the whole story.
SAY WHAT?!:
This is to serve as a warning to all those dog kickers out there. I know some people who are not happy. This must stop! To explain: I got a complaint the other day from my neighbor. Apparently someone from our house has been going onto his property and kicking his dog. Now his dog needs an operation. I said that maybe they were angry about some noise complaints we had received earlier in the year and were looking for some payback. He claimed he did not know what I was talking about, and when I inquired as to where he lived, he started swearing at me. As the conversation became more and more intense, I had had enough of it and demanded to know who it was. This only made him angrier and he threatened to call the police and take me to jail! Finally, after a round about conversation involving shootings and jokes and yadda yadda, he mentioned twins. I don�t know what bearing this has on the case, but I can sure speculate. So please, if you kicked a dog or know someone who did, let someone know! This could be the ruin of society I tell you, people kicking dogs and such. Dogs are kid�s best friends right? Wrong, man�s best friend. Still, Gupal wants answers and so do I.
SIGN OFF:
My loyal fans,
Once again I have fallen into the back-to-school rut and neglected you for the last two months. I apologize and hope to make up for it in the future. Keep laughing�even if it�s at someone else�s expense�because life is just too short to waste it trying not to offend people.
-brit
