���񂢂���

December 16, 1999
I am learning a lot today.  I was really down when I left home today.  I was missing Mama and thinking how life will never be the same again.  I have always preached to other people about how �glife is about changes�h and that we all live �gfrom moment to moment�h and that life is �gwhat happens to you between the moments you remember�h and that �gchange is good.�h  Somehow, though, when it comes to my own life, it is always hard to accept the things that I know to be correct.  It is hard to know that life`s changes are good when it involves letting go of somebody you love.

Mama Fenwick died on December 13th.  Of course, it was still the 12th in America, so the date would be 12-12 there, wouldn�ft it?  Sigh�call the family gathered and I had only just completed what was deemed my �gmourning day�h  I sat and just thought about her.  I lit a candle and prayed for peace for her spirit.  I burned some incense and wrote a poem for her.  Then I read it to her and burned it up.  I decided that it was right to just go on with my life.  So today, despite my attempts to let go and just go on with my life, I was still feeling down.  I KNOW she wouldn�ft like it.  I KNOW it wouldn�ft help anyone.  I KNOW that it just makes it more difficult.  I couldn�ft help it.  I just felt it was unfair that it should happen at Christmas when I am already thinking about the holidays and my family there who is grieving. 

So this morning as I drove to work in the fog, I thought about how personal grief is, and how everyone does this alone, but everyone does it together also.  I have grieved alone.  I felt no real need to grieve en masse.  The loss of a loved one is a personal one ultimately.  My loss can not be compared to that of Papa`s or Debbie`s or my Dad`s.  It is a different kind of loss for me.  It is different for Daddy and Debbie and Dan, they were her children.  We have different relationships, different moments, different memories, different lives�cso the losses cannot be compared.  And everyone feels loss differently and grieves differently.  Such was the state that I found myself in as I drove through the milky fog on my way to work, wishing that I could just go home and cry a little more and get it all out of my system, again.

I came to work early, and walked to the staff room.  Waiting for me was a present from the students and my team-teachers.  They made Christmas cards for me that were so sweet and beautiful, wishing me and my family Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in every possible variation.  They drew pictures, and some were even so sweet as to say things like �gI enjoy your lessons,�h or �git is nice to see you at Wadayama High School.�h  Some of the cards were very complimentary, and others were filled with artwork.  I will treasure them.  I found myself at my desk, near tears for the sudden realization in my soul that sadness is very close to us all the time we are happily living our lives.  By that same token, when we are suffering and in mourning from tragedy or pain, just outside that circle is great joy. 

The two are always found together;  comedy and tragedy?the drama of life.

When Mama and I said goodbye in July, we both knew it would be the last one.  I have tried to convince myself not to think about it in the wrong light.  I got to say goodbye.  I got to share a hug with her before she was too weak to hug me back.  I got to talk to her when she could understand.  I got to hear how she felt and return it without sadness.  I did not have to stand and watch her suffer and linger near death for days, and I did not have to witness the swelling of her body and hear the labored breaths she took.  My memories of Mama are not tainted with this trauma.  I was lucky to be in Japan.  I do regret not being able to be there for other family members who might have needed me, but what could I possibly have done?  The die was cast long ago and now I must play out my hand.  It was just not meant to work out in a traditional manner.  After all the talking Mama and I did, I think she wouldn�ft have liked us all just sitting around waiting for the last breath, although I didn�ft say anything to anyone about that.  It occurred to me that Mama would have liked that I have found joy in my work here. She would be relieved to know that life is good to us here.  She liked the letters I sent from Japan.  Perhaps I will continue to write to her anyway.  It hit me that she would have thought that these cards from my students were nice.  There are some that would make her laugh.  I will treasure them always, not just for the sentiment that they bring, but for the knowledge that came home to me as I realized how closely related are joy and sorrow.

I wanted to say to those students ��������܂��I�hyou are lifesavers!�h 
They brought me right out of the funk in which I found myself. 
I can hardly wait to show Jessica and Ken!