 Redneck Romance
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!' . . . I guess I'm the first one here!" 
Redneck Birth Control
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Learn to speak Southern...
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help... Hah Tu Spek Suthun: BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert." VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?" GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
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