A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a
pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says,
"But sir, you take an 11 or
eleven-and-a-half."
"Just bring me a size eight!" the
man replies.
The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs
his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.
He turns to the salesman and says, "I've
lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off
with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 7, and my son just told me
he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my
shoes off."
This guy was walking along the beach one day
and ran across a lamp.
He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie
popped out. The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes.
"First," the guy began, "I'd
like a million dollars."
POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing
on his checkbook balance.
"Second," he continued, "I'd
like a new Mercedes."
POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of
him.
"Third," the guy smirked,
"I'd like to be irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
This explains it
all.
All babies start out with the same number of
raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female
baby.
The problem occurs when cells are instructed
by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go
around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have
to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells are
removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body
and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar
to a fulldeck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short,
so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female
brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play
things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to
do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into
walls.
This basic cognitive difference continues to
grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble
really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female
brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with
their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies
where their
ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies
from man to man.
In some men only a small number of brain
cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend
to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms
as "Engineers."
Other men suffer larger brain cell
relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter
Pilots."
A small number of men suffer massive brain
cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to
as..."Mr. President or Mr. Congressman."
Just think, Monica
Lewinsky turns 28 years old this year!
It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling around on the floor of the Oval Office.
My my my, how time
flies!
The other night I was invited out for a
night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...
"promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer
was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock
in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd
probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself
for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time
I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away
with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I
asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said,
'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."
Q. Why did God
create man before woman?
A. He needed a
rough draft before he could produce the final copy.
A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first
overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.
In the passport office, the government
official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling his passport application.
The passport official looks over his
shoulder, and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small
space labeled 'SEX.'
The official explains: "No, no, no.
That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or
'Female.'"
"Doesn't matter," the blonde
answers.