SELF-EVIDENT TRUTHS ABOUT PETS (Joke 593) Rated G


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
he loves himself.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Cat's motto:
No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are
subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who
suffered from insomnia.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever.
Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for
10 minutes.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their
owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog's have owners.
Cat's have staff.

Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult?

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your
conversation as the dog does.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by
a Great Dane.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next
life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets,
but look at it from their point of view:
Why do humans keep urinating into their water bowls?

 

 

 

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. 

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again." 

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

 

 

 

 

FIRST JOB

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew -
(gems in the rough) - more or less adopted her as a kind of
project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee breaks and lunch hours,and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing a dollar bill. The little girl took
this home to show her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed
with the story and asked the little girl how she had come
by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little
girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction
crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious",
said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again
this week too"?

"I will if those assholes at the lumber yard ever bring us
the 2 x 6's and the damn bricks", replied the little girl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ABSTINENCE

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to
become members of his church. The minister said that they
would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come
back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle
aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The
middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week,
but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it
was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said
the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent
over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.
Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said
that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home
Depot either."

 

 

 

 

 

 

HYMNS

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation
that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people
to consider donating a little more than usual into the
offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out
three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 check in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with
his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the
person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet,
elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked
her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and
said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 

 

 

Young Doctors Tell All

...A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

...At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.  "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

 

...I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

 

...During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" asked the doctor.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

...While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

...I was caring for a woman in the hospital from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 

...A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed the hair on her private area had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

 

 

 

 

 

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectal deodorant.  The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
the woman they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like
some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of
underarm deodorant."

Really annoyed now, the blonde snatches the container back and reads
out loud from the container:
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."







Employer's Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"

We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a

couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"

We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been

filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal

formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or

respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want

and do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Working With The FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is

hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They

search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust

open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at

Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep"

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."