PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC
*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!**!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*
ARIES: Dear God, please give me patience ... and could you do
it right now?

TAURUS: Dear God, help me accept change, but let's do it my
way.

GEMINI: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?

CANCER: Dear God!!!

LEO: Yes? Hello God...are you listening to me ?

VIRGO: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up
like You did the last time.

LIBRA: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the
other hand, what do you think is best?

SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our
debtors, even though the low-life scum don't deserve it!

SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a
million times, help me stop exaggerating.

CAPRICORN: Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I
learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!

AQUARIUS: Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is
ridiculous!!

PISCES: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of
Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.

 

 

 

 

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the fucking wall!"

 

 

 

Winning the Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the
car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer
is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you
doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who
are out standing in their field."








Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a glass of milk next to the keyboard. 

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

Basic programmers:
No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.

Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

CIA:
What makes you think that's milk?

National news media:
Hey, we wanted OJ!

Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.

NSA:
We know what it really is.

Paranoid:
Here is a glass just sitting here.  Why?  Who put it here? WHY WHY WHY!!!
SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!

Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?

Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Faith-healer:
If we worship it, it will feel better.

Feminist:
How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE?

Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Futurist:
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for
you.

Idealist:
In a descent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough
for everyone to enjoy.

IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

Mac users:
Where's my pump?

MIS:
I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

Schroedinger:
That stupid cat got into the milk again!

Security consultant:
Where'd the rest of the milk go?

Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

UI designers:
What's that crap in my glass?

UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.

Windows users:
Where's my straw?