How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department


Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and
put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave
them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end
of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from
rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I AM THANKFUL...

...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.

...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

...for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.

 

 

 

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

 

 

 

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

 

 

 

 

 

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber- type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

 

 

 

 

Pregnant Husband

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

 

 

 

 

Two men were talking one day.

"My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden."
said the first man.

"So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked.

"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous
chemicals?"

"The gardener said 'No, you'll have to do that yourself." 

 

 

 

Who Was He??
*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!**!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*
There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1.  He called everyone "brother"
2.  He liked Gospel
3.  He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Jewish
1.  He went into His Father's business.
2.  He lived at home until he was 33.
3.  He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he
     was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Italian:
1.  He talked with his hands.
2.  He had wine with every meal.
3.  He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1.  He never cut his hair.
2.  He walked around barefoot all the time.
3.  He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Irish:
1.  He never got married.
2.  He was always telling stories.
3.  He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus
was a woman:
1.  He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there
     was no food.
2.  He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of
     men who just didn't get it.
3.  Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there
      was more work for him to do.