A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of
a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important
doctor.

"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell
me, what sort of useless advice did Cohen give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

 

 

Vladimir, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to
buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he
wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to
learn that it will take two years for the new car to be
delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but
as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the
salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new
car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the Vladimir that it w
ill be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the
salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door,
he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years
from now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and
says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on
Thursday.

Vladimir thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks
up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that
will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in
the afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet
another time and says sharply that it will be in the
afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says Vladimir. "The plumber is coming
that morning."

 

 

 

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five
years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She
immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what
her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she
looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he
got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he
admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the
marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered
saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who
it was."

 

Q:  Why are married women  usually heavier than single women

A:  Single women come home,  see what's in the fridge and go
to bed.  Married women  come home, see what's in the
bed and go to the  fridge.

 

 

 

 

 

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent
you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads,
too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling
me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No
wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

 

 

 

MICE BALLS

This supposedly true story is about a pastor (who is not a
computer literate person by his own admission) as he told
of a real phone call he received from the church secretary.

Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab
where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some
of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we've got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their
balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th...they did what?????? How in
the world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't
even realize mice had balls...

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little furry real
animals} Well...what can we do?

Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm....Pastor,
are we talking about the same thing?!

 

 

 

 

UNPRINTABLE

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a
large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet
the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.
Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that
night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters
to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub
reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also
told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

 

 

 

 

Q:Man says to God, "God, why did you make  woman so  beautiful?

A: God says, "So you would  love her.   "But God," the man says,
"why did you make her so dumb?"
God says, "So she  would love you!".