Super Pill


A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing
interest in sex.  The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that
it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed
potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc,
the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It
wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food
and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off
and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that
strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that
restaurant anyway."



Tough Management


The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of
the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man
lazily leaning against a packing crate. The factory owner angrily said,
"Just how much are you being paid?"

The young man replied, "A hundred dollars a week."

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted
at the young man: "Here is a week's pay. Now get out and don't come back!"

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement. "Tell me,"
the owner asked, "How long has that guy worked for us?"

"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager, "He was just the
Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."

 

Meeting the IRS

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant
suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a
heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But
when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your
most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."


Arrested In A Pumpkin Patch

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,

resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM

Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious

behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County

Courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin

patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and

squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At

least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview

from the County Courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the

road, picked out a pumpkin that he thought was appropriate for

his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his

alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he

commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the

Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of

his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure", said officer

Taylor. "I walked up to [Davidson] and he's . . . just working

away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached

Davidson.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize what

you're doing with that pumpkin?'

He got real surprised as you would expect and then looked me

straight in the face and said: "'A pumpkin? Damn.... is it

midnight already?'"

 

 

 

Silly People Stories

IDIOTS & RETAILING

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the

clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the

credit card. She informed me that she would not complete the

transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she

explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the

credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I

signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared

that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would

have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP 'Environmental, Health &

Safety Handbook for Employees': "Blink your eyelids periodically

to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central

office ofa large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they

have problemswith their computers.  One night he got a call from

a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've

got smoke coming from theback of my terminal. Do you guys have a

fire downtown?"

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She

askedthe individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He

said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing

ametal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a

photocopymachine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the

copier, and police pressedthe copy button each time they thought

the suspect wasn't telling thetruth. Believing the "lie detector"

was working, the suspect confessed.

Dogs In Need

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across

a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has

hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the

doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little

one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they

screw you every time!"

Special At Church

A priest was called away for an emergency.  Not wanting to leave

the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from

across the street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi told

him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come

on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what

to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the

confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive

me for I have sinned."  The priest asks "What did you do?"  The

woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no

more."  A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.  He

says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest:"How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no

more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the

priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father

forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi:"What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times.  We have a special this week,

three for $5."