Top 10 Signs You're Burned Out...
10. You're so tired you now answer the
phone "hell"
9. Your best friend calls to ask how you've
been and you immediately scream" get off by back, BITCH"
8. Your garbage can is you're
"in" box
7. You wake up to discover that your bed is
on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care
6. You have so much on your mind that
you've forgotten how to pee
5. Visions of the up coming weekend help
you make it through Monday
4. You sleep more at work than you do at
home
3. You leave for a party and instinctively
bring you're briefcase
2. Your day-timer exploded a week ago
1. You think about how relaxing it would be
if you were in jail right now
The Diner
Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two
sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.
Waiting
In Line At The Bank
In a long line of people waiting for a bank
teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of
him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell
are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I'm a
chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your
back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing
the guy in front of me?"
Many years ago, my
father was visiting America from Europe, for the very first time. He said he
wanted to go with me to the supermarket, so I invited him along. As he went up
& down the aisles with me, at the local Giant Food Store, he constantly
asked me questions about products he saw.
"Vas dis?? Powdered orange juice??" asked my dad <pointing at
Tang>.
I said, "YeAh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange
juice."
A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, "Und vas dis??
Powdered milk?" <pointing at a box of Carnation>.
I said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh
milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle, my dad yelled out, "Und give a
look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!"
The passenger
tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver
screamed, lost control of the car,
nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop
window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look
mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could
scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse
for the last 25 years".
PARENT'S GLOSSARY OF KIDS KITCHEN TERMS
APPETIZING:
Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic
"Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten
because they are mixed together.
CHAIR:
Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (LAST ONE):
Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
CRUST:
Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children
of China, India, Africa, or Europe (check one).
DESSERTS:
The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes
time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FAT:
Microscopic substance detected visually by children
on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
FLOOR:
Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK:
Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED
FOODS: Gourmet cooking
FROZEN:
Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served.
FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
GERMS:
The only thing kids will share freely.
KITCHEN:
The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
LEFTOVERS:
Commonly described as "gross."
LIVER:
A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
LOLLIPOP:
A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
MACARONI:
Material for a collage.
MEASURING CUP:
A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
METRIC:
A system of measurement that will be accepted only after
forty years wandering in the desert.
NAPKIN:
Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
NATURAL FOOD:
Food eaten with unwashed hands.
NUTRITION:
Secret war waged by parents using direct commands,
camouflage, and constant guard duty.
PLATE:
A breakable Frisbee.
REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when
not being used as an art gallery.
SALIVA:
A medium for blowing bubbles.
SODA POP:
Shake'N Spray.
TABLE:
A place for storing gum.
TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument
THIRSTY:
How your child feels after you've said your final
"good night."
VEGETABLE:
A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger --
but only by sight.
WATER:
The cola of underdeveloped countries.
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors should have issued a press
release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would
all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new
car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have
to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it
off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some
reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought
"CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five
times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would only run on five percent of
the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced
by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
The Doorbell
A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy
trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the
doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the
boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed
his hand kindheartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the
doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked,
"And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we
run!"
Pig with Wooden Leg
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed
a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred,
how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild
boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a
runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire.
Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started
squealin'
like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had
herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor
hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When
I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I
drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden
leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want
to eat all at once!"
Small Town Justice
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main
Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "... or I'm going
to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a
good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the
groom!"