It is amazing the
differences in the way that we feel before the vows are exchanged ... and
after.
B - You take my breath away
A - You're suffocating me
B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football
B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
B - Spilling hot oil on your back and giving you a massage till 2:00AM
A - Yelling at me for spilling hot oil on the floor when trying to sneakily
make up some fries at 2:00AM
B - Making love and a cigarette
A - Screwing and a stogie
B - Pot
A - A pot
B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence
B - Cologne
A - Motor Oil
B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my nightmare
B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem
B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
B - Sexy lingerie from Victoria's Secret for no reason at all
A - A gift certificate to Jenny Craig Weight Loss clinic for your 25th
anniversary
B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl
B - Ideal
A - Idle
B - I love a woman with curves
A- I never said you were fat
B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Blind
A - Nearsighted
B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing
B - Oysters
A - Fishsticks
B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese
Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings.
He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry".
"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in
here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the
corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like
Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Well, where’s the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olafsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to Canada , I was
standing in line at Immigration Center. Man in front of me was big blonde
Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Hans Olafsen. She
look at me... What your name? I say: Sam Ting.
A couple of women
were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off
and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said,
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally
allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
THE COMPUTER
USER'S REBOOT POEM
Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute, That all
we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet If we had those special
keys: Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute Just
stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot.
You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street? You solve it
all and start a new: Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
Three men were
lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the
prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the
trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather some.
The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to
shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be
eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it
would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out
in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why
did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just
great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"