Once upon a time, a Red Neck applied to a Medical School -
needless to say he never made it - you know why?
Well, these are the answers he gave at the entrance exam:
ANTIBODY - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
BOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,u
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
COMA - punctuation mark
CORTIZONE - area around local courthouse
CYST - short for sister
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess Diana
DISLOCATION - in this place
DUODENUM - couple in jeans
ENEMA - not a friend
FALSE LABOR - pretending to work
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl
GENES - blue denim
GROIN - to mash to a pulp / smile
HERNIA - she is close by
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss
MENOPAUSE - I no wait
MICROBES - small dressing gowns
OBESITY - city of Obe
PACEMAKER - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
PROTEIN - in favour of teens
RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula
SECRETION - hiding anything
SERUM - sailors drink
TABLET - small table
TUMOR - extra pair
ULTRASOUND - radical noise
URINE - opposite of you're out
VARICOSE - very close
VEIN - at what time?
VITREOUS HUMOR - both witty & funny
Lessons from the Real World!
Living well really IS the best revenge.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.
You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct
tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't,
use duct tape.
When baking, follow directions carefully.
When cooking on top of the stove, go by your own taste.
Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how
you respond to it.
The two most essential phrases for a happy
relationship are: "I apologize" and "You are right."
Being happy
doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you decided to see beyond the
imperfections and be happy anyway.
When you make a mistake, make amends
immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
If you woke up breathing, be thankful! You
have another chance!
Being miserable because of a former
relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
Real friends are those who, when you make a
fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
If he or she says that you are too good for
them - believe it.
You don't have to attend every argument
you're invited to.
You should lead your life so you wouldn't be
ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't
live long enough to make them all yourself.
And last but not least...
Never pass up an opportunity to pee!
Two Goobers (pilots) are trying to land an airplane.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the one pilot screams to the
other pilot:
"Pull up, the
runaway is ending ...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.
They make a big turn and start descending again.
The moment they touch the ground, the pilot screams again, "Get the
plane up, the runaway is ending ..."
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air ... They make a big
turn and start descending again ... This goes on again and again ...
During their fourth descent the pilot says : "This is so dumb, they build
this huge and expensive airport but with such a short runaway."
"I know," answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made
it ..."
One
day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed
a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few moments
later. The diver went below still another 25 feet, but soon, the same guy
joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalk-and-board set and wrote, "How on earth are you able to stay under
this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING, YOU IDIOT!"