An
Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business
trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he
reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address,
he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter
and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband
had passed away only the day before.
When the
grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a
piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the
room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST
WIFE:
JUST GOT
CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR
YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
His beloved old white convertible was in
deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was
stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they
called the police and filed an insurance claim.
Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone.
"We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain
himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather
walk.'"
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.
Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it
works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes,
and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to
the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.............................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.................. -1
You leave the toilet seat up.................................. -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is
empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom........... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..... +5
in the
snow................................................... ................... +8
but return with beer....................................... ................... -5
and no liners................................................ ................... -25
You check out a suspicious noise at
night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.......... +5
You pummel it with a six iron................................ +10
It's her cat................................................. ................... -40
You stay by her side the entire party............. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
College drinking buddy
................................... ................... -2
Named Tiffany..................................... ................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer.............................. ................... -10
With breast implants............................. ................... -18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday................................. ................... 0
You buy a card and flowers................................ ................... 0
You take her out to dinner............................... ................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar................... +1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................. ................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night........................... ................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite team........ ................ -10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a
pal......................................... ................... 0
The pal is happily married........................... ................... +1
The pal is single.................................... ................... -7
He drives a Ferrari................................. ................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........ -15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a
movie.................................... ................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes....................... ................... +4
You take her to a movie you hate......................... ................... +6
You take her to a movie you like......................... ................... -2
It's called Death Cop 3.................................... ................... -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans..................... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..... -15
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................... 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.................................. +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........ +50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her
Saying 'well, what do you think I should
do"........................... -50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV
................... +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............ -200
You develop a noticeable pot belly............................... -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it
. ................... ................... +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
And baggy Hawaiian
shirts............................................ -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."................. -800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................... ................... -10
You reply, "Where?"............................. ................... -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......... ................... -100
Any other response.............................. ................... -20
Life's a Journey, not a Destination... Make sure you enjoy the scenery!
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that
had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says,
"He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65
times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one
mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this
one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365
times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He
mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from
this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times
with the same cow."