911
A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The
guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says, "OK, now what?"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy,
so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try
out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled,
"Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's
not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with
the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a
correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself,
then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't
know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work
on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop
where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job
and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A man goes to a doctor and says,
"Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem
anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with
this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills and your
problems are history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and
sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs
into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man
excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that,"
says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."
FAIRFIELD
GLADE SPECIAL!!!
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year
old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts
up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year
old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She
shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then
yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
door."
One day,
three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first
man prayed to God, saying, Please God, give the strength to cross this river.
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the
river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this,
the second man prayed to God, saying, Please God, give me the strength and the
tools to cross this river. Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row
across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of
times.
The third
man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God
saying, Please God, give me the strength and the tools and the intelligence to
cross this river. And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map,
hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.