An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man
approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows
the correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking
at his wrist.
"It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date
is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure
stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all
this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of
Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases,
"but these batteries are still a little heavy."
Evil Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The
lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did our research
also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills
that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed,
the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or
that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United
Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my
sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in
indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The
humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea..."
On a
roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money
to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians. Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the
$10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh,
$40 a year isn't too bad."
...Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and
suffered from a stiff neck.
Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all
night.
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little
tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.
A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket
when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.
Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland, a one hour wait for a 2-minute
ride.
Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio
River, all the lift bridges
suddenly went up.
New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of
Viagra, and expect it to raise
right up.
For years the medical professional's have been looking after the ill, to make
them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!
The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery.
One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen.
"That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.
With a smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin.