Yes, I am one of the firm believers in the Ignorance Is Bliss theory, and I admire the ostrichs' ablility to bury their heads in the sand in the face of danger. OK, this is not as life-threatening as that, but I have to admit I don't really like having unpleasant facts out in the open before my eyes. And having a tracker sort of does just that. I forgot why I put the tracker there in the first place, but now I am sadistic enough to be obsessed with how lousy my page is such that nobody wants to come anymore. I can probably even guess who those 2 regular readers are. Destructive to my ego, but I'm addicted to checking the statistics.

I've put a counter here quite some time ago, but I was never really that particular about the numbers there, because I tend to forget what the last statistic was, so I would not be able to actually check progress. But this stupid tracker does all that, it tells me how many people came today, yesterday, the day before yesterday, last week, last month, blah blah blah...it even puts out nice horizontal bar graphs....nice presentation, but it totally destroys me when it shows two bars showing 50% vs 50% when in actually fact, it was just merely 1 person vs 1 person. Hahaha....it was quite amusing to see...

Actually I have no idea why I am so obsessed about this tracker thing, especially when I didn't really care about publicity, about popularity and stuff. If I really did care, I probably would have done a lot more in improving on the layout design, putting more pretty pictures here, joining a webring, putting info in the search engines. I would love it if more people come, but it's really not worth my effort. OK, so I'm lazy, so what?

Adoree wrote me a letter a few days ago and told me that she came to my page, said I wrote well (sometimes) and blah blah blah...she also said something about how she'll never be able to do an online journal like this because she's basically a private person. She also asked how I could do it. I have not written back yet, because I really don't know how to answer that question. Why? Why am I doing this?

Po Chin says it was because I wanted a platform to defend myself whenever she says anything about me in her page. Well, there's not much to defend, simply because she doesn't say much about me that's really that wrong. Things that sound bad maybe, but not exactly wrong most of the time. [Though I still refuse to acknowledge that laughing in theatre thing. I'm more elegant than that.] =P Whatever. Besides, I'm such a nice person and all, modesty says I should not shout that into your ears. Hahahaha...

Maybe because this is another way to express myself? To write everything out just to clear my own thought? Probably, now that I typed that down. [See, it works!!hahaha..] I used to keep a journal at home too, but I was really young and I said things like "I had chicken rice for lunch." Dumb, but I liked recording things down like that. Gradually, I went on to more emotional stuff. Once in a while, about once every 6 months, I would pick up my pen again and update the info I have in my journal. I'll have this point-form thing, recording down all the changes that happened to me, all my most recent crushes, my schoolwork, my old friends, etc etc. It was not exactly what people call keeping a journal, but I still giggle a little when I read past entries and see how I get so very excited over this certain boy and after 6 months, another boy. I was a fickle little girl..

But this journal was different. I update quite regularly, I write about all sorts of weird things, I try to be funny, I exhaust my limited vocabulary, I correct grammatical mistakes. Thing I don't bother about in my paper journal. To me, this journal page is more about presentation. I have a lot of thoughts I want everyone to know, but I have to present it in a certain way before people actually understand what I'm talking about. But at least as I try to organise my thoughts into paragraphs, it becomes clearer for me too. I like that.

There are still some things I cannot talk about here, simple because I cannot be sure who actually reads this and sometimes, I worry about whether it might hurt somebody. This tends to restrict my field a little, but I still want to remain true to myself. I guess I can't please everyone, so if I feel strongly about something, sorry, but I have the right to say that I want. Of course, you have the right to not read. Hehe....

Since this journal is more about myself than whoever who reads this, I guess the tracker is really nonconsequential. Ha! At least I have 2 readers a day. Ha!