080602, 0305hr, central time

i'm back on campus now. spent my last days in singapore with my friends, and my mom. shopping, talking, eating, basically quality time. to all that i've managed to see, i'm so glad. to all i did not manage to meet, i'm so sorry, as usual i overestimate myself, i really thought 2 weeks was enough.

the flight back was smooth, but the busride wasn't. traffic jam on the roads in chicago. i took a chance and did not bring a book with me to read on my journey, but lots of CDs, and my journal. i wrote so much, i always felt that i tend to get a new perspective on things while on the plane, thinking in isolation from the world beneath me.

cheryl commented that she didn't know there were problems in my relationship with alvin. [we chatted about it on tuesday, over some drinks and cakes at this very nice cafe called six.] oh well. most people don't know anyway, perhaps more will know now. alvin doesn't like it when i talk about him here, and i don't like it that he's so sensitive, but i gave in. who can i talk to about this, though? i definitely do not wish to speak ill of him, he's not a bad person, he's as responsible for my unhappiness as i am. yet, writing on this journal about it will probably exaggerate the situation and draw people to my side of the story rather than his. but whatever the reasons, it is true i am not in a state of bliss and there's no use pointing fingers now.

the night before i left, i wrote on impulse an email to him, and i so regret it now. before that, i forced myself to be contented with the minimal email contact i had with him, made myself think up reasons, or some say excuses, for his negligence, because it's much easier to concentrate on missing him, than also on staying angry with him. i'm very confused, conflicted with my own needs and my apparent understanding of why my needs are not to be fulfilled by such a guy i have chosen. my understanding of alvin as a person, the nature of the relationship, and myself as a person give me contradictory ideas of how this relationship should proceed. even of whether this can go on. alvin would say that i over-analyze, that i'm too sensitive. that i cry too much.

so i think so too, i'm thinking i'm crying too much - this is not who i want to be, this is not who i am. i get touched to tears easily, but i'm not the depressed girl i used to be, my tears have their reasons to fall. i want this relationship to be simple too. so i wrote that email to him. and i told him not to write to me anymore. so i can stop waiting for his emails. stop expecting what is not to be expected. and most of all to stop feeling stupid when my excuses for him get exposed and fall apart.

men spell trouble. i truly feel this way. reading back on past entries, i know i've always pined for love, it seemed like love brings the solution to all earthly troubles, and brings meaning to one's life. HAH. well, that's then. now, i just want to be left alone. i felt that way after my saga with E and now i feel that way again. call me chicken, cowardly, pessimistic, whatever, but yes, cindy is tempted to run again, away from earthly romantic affairs, which apparently bring more problem than solution. i said the same thing last year, only this time i should try to stick to my resolution better and really run.

or should i apologize to alvin for my burst of exasperation in my email and continue pining for his attention? gosh, i'm so weak.

i feel like the most pathetic girlfriend on earth. and i hate this.