050202, 1800hr, central time.

when does cindy update her journal? 1) when she's really upset. 2) when she's got nothing better to do. 3) when she has an important paper to write, but doesn't feel like it. guess what, i have a 6-page paper due tomorrow, a book review of a book i've not yet read. i'm so dead i'd might as well write my journal entry first.

i'm absolutely starving right now, because i forgot to eat my lunch. ok, this isn't funny anymore. i seriously have an appetite problem now. it's so completely amazing, how i can forget to eat a meal. sheesh. and this is not the first time it's happened either. i usually miss breakfast anyway, so it's not a big deal, but i didn't used to miss lunches and dinners too. alvin thinks i'm anorexic, i'm definitely not. i'm still eating, i just tend to forget sometimes. bleah.

agnes wrote an entry about everlasting love. hmm. that gave me an idea - i propose, from now till valentine's day, i will write one entry a day, about any aspect of love. hopefully it'll be fun. email me with any topic you might want me to talk about, something you might want to ask. if i don't get requests, don't blame me if i go for bimbo questions like, "what color should one wear on the first date?" hahahahahaha...

anyhow, about everlasting love. the comparison is naturally to the momentary explosion of passionate love. i don't mean lust, i simply mean passionate love, where the intensity of one's feelings overwhelms everything else, and the world is perfect for as long as the moment lasts. and even as the moment passes, there is no regret, because the memory can last forever. everlasting love, on the other hand, connotes a certain sense of simplicity and plain-ness. it's there, you know it's there, but it is not particularly exciting, it gives you strength to deal with the rest of the world, but it's not something that dominates your life. which do you prefer?

i try to give an unbiased description of the two concepts, i'm not sure if it's good enough. if it's not obvious from the above statements, i actually prefer everlasting love. boring like hell, but i definitely like it a lot better than overwhelming emotions that threaten to throw me completely off-balance and wreck all order in my life. i used to talk about waiting for someone to come "sweep me off my feet", but really, what i really prefer to someone to come "take my hand and walk away with me." that's the kind of stability-obsessed girl i am. i've experience exhilaration, i've also experience such pain. call me chicken, i'd rather have [i refuse to say settle for] a low intensity but constant feeling of bliss.

the next question then, is naturally whether everlasting love would actually be possible. agnes says yes, but not in man. i say yes, but not on its own merit. how would any kind of feeling last forever? biologically, it's clearly impossible, because emotions are caused by hormones, and hormone levels are definitely unsustainable - there has to be a constant stimuli. and it's the stimulus that's important - is it possible to be inspired to feel love, forever? of course. it really depends on who. it all boils down to the human factor: whether the couple believes enough to try - if you want to experience everlasting love, you will, because you will try. if you don't think it's possible, it will not come to you, simply because without the ready mindset, any kind of love [strongly passionate or not] will come, and then naturally fade away.

everlasting love really isn't as easy as it seems, but it's not impossible. people change, feelings change. perhaps love will change too, but it doesn't have to. alvin is skeptical about old couples who seem loving, because it seems almost like they'll never get sick of each other, and he thinks that's so impossible and phony. me, i think that's entirely possible, and so absolutely beautiful. that's the beauty of love! that you embrace change - changes in your lover, changes in the world. your lover isn't going to stay the same forever, neither will you, but that's the sweetest thing - you can find out something new about each other everyday, and everything, there's a chance and reason to say, "wow, he/she is so much more, i'm the luckiest person on earth." that, i think is the secret to everlasting love.

the essence of the momentary experience of love, is that once conditions or the people change, the moment has passed, and yes we shall indulge in the memories of the experience, but it will never come back again, and it's ok. but see, that's really a subset of the everlasting love. any longlasting relationship has to be made up of smaller moments like this. conditions will not remain the same, of course any given moment will pass. the difference is, the people who aim for everlasting love will move on to the next moment, and the next, and the next. the people who embrace the memory, but refuse to move forward will eventually of course only be living off the memory.

i'm not saying everyone who embraces change will find everlasting love - naturally if your boyfriend transforms into a freaking alcoholic drug addict who beats you up, you know your chances for "happily ever after" are low. i'm saying that people who cannot accept change, will eventually be lost in their past. and this doesn't just apply to romance or even relationships, it can apply to even life in general. are you living for the moment, or are you living in the moment? there's a difference.

so there, my exposition for the day. god bless all old couples who hold hands, they make me tear. everlasting love seems so impossible, so faraway. but really, have the courage to try. i wish myself the same courage.