21201, 1700hr, florida time.

i think i've become very individualistic. this holiday, it becomes more apparent than before. i've become the biggest loner in the group, which usually isn't the case.

most of the time on the beach, all i really want is to be alone. and do my own stuff. may it be to suntan [unsuccessfully], listen to the waves, build a sandcastle, play with the water, whatever. i actually felt better alone.

probably, all these antisocial feelings will disappear when we get to orlando, when we're in the theme parks, cos i don't see how i would prefer to take a roller coaster by myself. not fun screaming alone, at least that much i know. maybe it's all the beaches that did this to me. the breaking waves, and breeze of the sea, they give the connotation of quiet calm and aloneness, so i'd rather be alone to enjoy the moment. probably orlando will be different.

but still, regardless of location, i still feel quite different from the old self. even back in illinois, i already sensed something different about myself. i'm not sure if my friends have noticed it, but i'm more reluctant to talk, less likely to laugh, and more distant. it's pretty obvious to me, i hope not so to them. i'm quite concerned about what my friends are thinking, especially the ones on this florida trip, cos i don't want to give them the impression that i'm not having a good time, or that i don't like them. it's just that i've been feeling a little overwhelmed the past semester, and this break is just too important to me. to truly get away from everything, including them. of course, i don't keep a straight face all the time - i'm not that antisocial. i'm just not sure if my occassional jokes are enough to make up for the times of antisocial behavior.

sigh. i thought i've passed the phase of being so self-conscious and concerned about what other people think of me. i guess i'm just too used to being the sociable one. now, it's time to get back to just being myself and really, the real me is pretty quiet. hope my friends won't get too freaked out.