121201, 0933hr, illinois time.

japanese went ok. some part are a little screwy, but heck it, it should be fine. i was talking to wallace on icq yesterday, in japanese, because he just took his japanese test, and i was, well, trying to study japanese. hahaa. simply sentences really, but it's funny typing romanized japanese, because i don't learn that at all in class, we went straight to hiragana. i just happen to know the romanization because i was impatient and nerdy enough to have been studying over summer.

i think alvin's having such a tough time these days, having to both study and pacify my random phases of irritation and dissatisfaction. i was just raving about how sweet alvin was in yesterday's entry, and then that very night, i got discontented again. see, despite what i rave about, alvin's not exactly the most romantic guy on earth. in fact, it's precisely cos it's so uncharacteristic of him to be romantic, that i have to rave when he actually is.

i have this vision in my head, of something i want to do with my love. i want to slow dance with him, in our own apartment or house or whatever, with some soothing music playing. we'll talk, laugh, tickle. once in a while, we'll stop talking, and we'll just dance, and just enjoy the moment. basically, relax. maybe because it's the x'mas season now, somehow, the music i have in mind right now is the jazz-y christmas carols i heard on ally mcbeal two days ago. [and i also have in mind a fireplace, but haha, i know that's pretty much impossible, and just a little cliche.]

but i cannot envision alvin doing that with me. the usual alvin i know is upbeat and hyper, he cannot bring himself to relax, he doesn't like music that makes him sleep. he likes nat king cole for his voice, but other than that i don't think he's much of a jazz fan. or slow dancing, for that matter. he loves his music so much that when a good song is on, he cannot put it at the back of the head the way i do. so the slow dance is likely to be disrupted by him exclaiming, "this song is so fucking cool man! wah, let's start the CD again, listen to that line, so cool right?!" yeah, that's the kind of guy he is. when music is around, i'm in the background, i'm just supposed to be an appreciative audience. which isn't exactly what i have in mind.

i'm usually ok with that, because i know my silly romantic notions are just silly romantic notions, i should be contented with what i have, and be realistic about it. alvin may not say the sweet nothings, buy flowers and do all that kind of typical stuff. but he has almost everything i want in a man. he's smart, responsible, protective, funny, imaginative, and sincere. what else could i ask for? just a little more romance, i guess. so in my irritable-because-it's-freaking-finals-week mood last night, i kicked up a fuss. why why why can't you be a little more romantic. [while he pointed out that one sole star in the sky, and in his mocking voice says, "wah, see the star tonight is so beautiful." which made me amused, and then angry at the same time because i didn't mean to feel amused. haha.]

but today, i regret everything i said yesterday. because it's suddenly hit me that romance isn't alvin's responsibility at all. he shouldn't have to specifically do something in order to be romantic, it has to be something we do together. it has to be a shared experience that cannot be created just like that. and it has to come from both of us. aha, a revelation so huge i want to hit myself on the head.

see, the one moment i recall most strongly from yesterday, is this stretch of road alvin and i walked together. it was very cold, i left my gloves at home because we left in such a hurry, for our review session. my fingers were freezing. so as we walked, i put my right hand in alvin's sweatshirt pocket. as we walked, we talked, we laughed. and the heat from his body warmed my fingers.

who needs the fireplace and music? i think that's the most romantic moment ever.