For one thing, I was feeling very indifferent towards prom. I am surprised too. I have been the stage where I was worried about what to wear, where to go, who to sit with...etc etc. But somehow, on the actual day, I just went through it in this very dazed and overly-relaxed mood. It was amazing.

It was a very weird feeling actually. On one hand, I wanted the evening to be perfect. I wanted to take pictures with all my friends, to talk to my friends to let them know how much I will miss them and to make sure I leave with sweet memories. However, on the other hand, I didn't want the night to be that good. I wanted it to be just like any regular class outing dinner, as if we were back to the roadside stall eating greasy cheap food. I guess if the night was too good, it is the end of my JC life. The end of that chapter of life. I guess I just hated starting a new chapter.

So I decided to just see how things go. The prom was actually not as emotionally charged as I thought it would be. It suited me well, since I only wanted to be a spectator. I saw the ridiculous behaviour of some people as well as the real emotions of some of the others. ( I think the rest of the people were also spectators like me.) I looked on, curious about how I could look on just like that, but I did. Of course, I took time off occassionally to be obliged to take pictures with my friends.

I know that some people were definitely very excited over prom. They were dolled up from head to toe. Of course, for the girls, the telltale sign was the extra height they gained from their heels and all the hair piled up on their heads. It was scary...because I know that the higher your expectations, the more likely reality will fall short. I don't know what those people expected from prom, but I didn't want to be disappointed. So, my guess is my supposed indifference is probably due to my self-defence mechanism working.

I didn't know I had such a clever and scheming subconscious.

Another prom that was significant to me was that of RJC.

I didn't go for their prom, but I did stay overnight with some of my ex-RGS classmates in a suite at Westin Hotel- tallest hotel in Singapore and Asia too I think, but that's not that point.

As I watched my friends rushing around preparing for their prom, I remembered those days in RGS. Specifically, I remember the day of our Alma Mater dinner. It was almost the same...rushing, fighting for the bathroom, makeup, hair..etc etc...

Those were the times, when we were all sweet little 16-year-olds. [ At this point, all the 16-year-olds will stand up in protest, but shut up, dears, I'd bet you'll 2 years later, you too will call the 16-year-olds little girls. ]

Somehow, I felt sad. I did not manage to see all my best friends that night. Not all those that I cared about most. I wonder I should have been more active in maintaining those friendship ties. Was I too optimistic to think that we could survive the separation? Sad to say, for some of them, my knowledge of them is stagnated at the point two years ago. Yet, we have all changed.

I thought that we could become one of those good friends who could meet 10 years apart and still find common things to talk about and laugh at the same joke. I guess I was being naive. I wish we didn't have to turn out like this, but hey, I guess I have to wake up to the real world.

I realise that for all these times, I have been a spectator. During Alma Mater, I looked on, devouring every moment I shared with my best friends with sweet happiness. Today, I look on, seeing the degeneration of our linkage as they drift further and further away, tasting the bitterness of sad nostalgia.

I've also just realised that I don't even have photographs of those friends of mine. Perhaps I should be thankful that at least I have the colourful memories of all of them. I smile, but not in my heart.

I wonder what took me so long to realise how much I have lost over these two years. Perhaps it is another trick of my protective subconscious self-defence mechanism. There's nothing wrong, I'm feeling okay, I'll just be off......I just need to run away.....