I remember once during a lesson in secondary school, we were asked to write our names on coloured paper, then pass the paper around for the whole class to write comments about each other. Positive comments only of course. I remember I was so flattered by the things my classmates wrote. I never thought that they thought I was smart. Or at least someone is kind enough to say that. I also didn't know that they have noticed my bad sense of humour. Somehow, I felt better knowing that they appreciated it nonetheless. That piece of paper was an important ego-booster during my deepest depression.

But now, I wonder if they had been allowed to write negative comments too, what would they have said? I really wonder. I mean, there's a great difference between your self-perceived faults and what other people cannot tolerate about you. For all you know, all my bad jokes had made them cringe in pain for that one second before they laugh with courtesy. Argh. I wish I can know what they really think.

Or maybe I really won't want to know.

Perhaps it is better to just believe in myself. For one thing, I know that most people actually do not know me well. It has been fun seeing the shock and disbelief on people's faces when I tell them I am an introvert. Perhaps the enthusiasm I show, the loud comments I make and the crude actions I do really do not support that stand, but it is true. I'm just an introvert who tries hard to fit in. Somehow, society is biased against introverts. If you do not speak up, you lose out. As easy as that. So I had to act more extroverted. But who is there to see my fatigue when I exhaust myself after all that socialising?

Second thing is probably about me being independent. It's true that I earn my own money, I do not like owing favours, I do not enjoy clinging on to anybody. But that doesn't make me an independent woman. Probably it's got more to do with a certain defense system I have. In fact, the only reason why I act as if I don't need anybody at all is because I do not want anybody to pick on my little mistakes. Think of it this way: I am pretty mistake-prone. When I do things on my own, I can correct myself before anyone notices. Even if somebody notices, they tend to forgive me, cos afterall, I'm on my own with no help at all. Hehe...yes I know, cheap trick.

So what's there that anyone can claim to know about me? Frankly speaking, I can't even say that I know myself that well either. Some of my own thoughts and behaviour is appalling even for me. Now, THAT's pathetic.