| 0030h [300501]
Feeling... sleepy Happiness of the day: buying this rather nice top for a mere $13. Event of the week: going back to malaysia this weekend Despite being a very crowded city, Singapore is a very easy place to be alone. Maybe precisely because it's such a crowded city, I don't know. I'm feeling so much more comfortable in Singapore now, feeling more and more at home, even when I don't have friends with me. So far, I've gone to the library alone, explored Yishun alone, walked Orchard Road alone, and I feel fine, most of the time. You know the difference of belonging and not belonging? When you belong to a place, as you walk, you walk with confidence, like you own the pavement, and you don't have to be bothered with other passers-by, because you know that they won't be bothered about you either. But when you feel out of place, your back is tense from nervousness, fear and even embarrassment, like everyone else is looking at you, judging you and knowing that you are not like them. It's funny isn't it, to know that I felt out of place in singapore for almost 2 weeks. Which is why I didn't dare go out on my own. It was almost like without my friends to confirm my right to belong, I shouldn't be out there in the crowd. These days, I'm fine. I can walk alone now. And actually I like walking alone. It's vaguely therapeutic. As I strut down the streets now, I don't look at anyone anymore, even if they look at me. Because I don't care anymore. I know I do belong. My walk home is very lonely indeed. Besides the fact that the road home is long, there's also this stretch of mud path through this now-overgrown-with-weeds field that I have to walk through. And this stretch of mud path will always be associated with my ex, I don't quite understand why, considering I've stayed at this place for about 5 years now, of which I was with him for only 2. Maybe because he always insisted in sending me home, insisted in holding my hand while walking that uneven path, and because the path is so narrow we couldn't walk side by side, and sometimes we don't talk at all while walking. [y'know, to concentrate on not tripping.] Do you see that picture in I have in my mind? Me and him, hand in hand, him in front of me, leading me home, in near pitch darkness and neither of us talking. Just walking. I always felt very touched walking that path with him, even in silence. And these days, I walk it alone, and it's a different feeling altogether. The same silence, just sounds of bullfrogs and crickets, but the feeling is different. Now, as I walk home alone, I just feel peace. Like I'm in a world of my own, and the rest of the world doesn't matter anymore. So no one's here to lead me. So I trip once in a while, being such a blind bat. It just doesn't matter anymore, because I'm on my own, and I'm leading myself home, no strings attached. I like walking, suddenly it seems like the most romantic thing to do, even with myself. | |