| 1250h
Feeling... stupid Happiness of the day: beautiful weather...sunny, clear sky... Event of the week: 4 ushering assignments this week. [2 down!] I have less than 1 week of class left. followed by 3 final exams. and a few days of packing up, cleaning and bumming around. And whoopee I'll be home! My god...I'm so happy. Most people I know aren't going home immediately. Most of those who are, aren't staying in singapore for the whole break. Somehow, when I hear them talk about their plans, I don't know if I should actually be jealous of them. I mean, of course I want to go to those places as well. There're still so many places I want to visit. But heck, I want to go home too. It's funny how I grew a lot closer to my family while I'm away than before. Though I don't call home all that often, the phone calls are always intimate and very comforting. My family members..they're the only people whose faces I can see right in front of my eyes just like that. Not even my closest friends enjoy this kind of privileges[?]. Heh. So it is quite definite..that I want to go home...the question is really if I should have chosen to not stay in singapore for the whole break. 3 months seems like a really long time. Granted, I will be working on my attachment half the time, and half of the rest of the time I'll be studying the political science correspondence classes I took up. But it just feels like too long a period of time to be staying at one place. This is of course a funny thing to say, considering I've stayed in Singapore/Malaysia for more than 19 years. Heh. I was telling shaun once...one of the main reasons I was rather miserable in my freshman year here at uiuc was that I felt homesick and lonely. I had a roommate for only half the year, who was nice but not particularly close to me while she was here anyway. I had cravings for chinese homecooked food and not lousy dorm food. I craved for familiar comforting faces when I go "home" after a day's class, and not an empty room with no messages on the answering machine. I didn't realise it then, thinking that I should be independent enough to take care of myself. But truth is, I am independent only in taking care of myself...I had no control over how my heart was feeling. Yeah, that's it. that sums it all...my freshman year was miserable because I had no control over my heart. I'm reaching the end of my 2nd year here. Last semester was a disaster because I overworked myself and lost motivation for a lot of things that I should actually be more concerned with. But this semester has been great. Truly good...I wasn't really like skipping with joy all the time, obviously, but hey, at least I didn't have all those huge ups and downs. I think I can actually say that my life right now is comfortable. Happy even. 2 years here...I wonder if there's any more need for me to stay here, other than to get my degree. [Yes, I know getting my degree is the primary reason why I'm here.] Are there more things I can learn from here? I'm sure there're other things I can experience, but I'm somehow not that interested. I'm involved in the arts, which I enjoy. I picked up dancing, jazz or lindy/swing, which I will always regard as one of the best things that happened to me here. I did my part for the singaporean community as part of the exco. I even dabbled a little in the student government till those people bored me away. I guess the next thing I should get involved in is community work. Hmm. Other than that, I learned to drive, I learned to be responsible for my own meals, I learned that it is indeed bad to let dirty clothes accumulate. I've even experienced a road-skid, if that counts as one of life's essential experiences. Maybe the next thing I should do is gather my guts and go skydiving. After community work, after skydiving, then what? I'll have to go find new experiences to explore. To fully utilise this 4 years of freedom given to me, I have to. But I wonder if uiuc has anymore things to offer. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, I won't deny that possibility. This friend of mine was just telling me that day, about how she wishes she can have the courage to step out of her comfort zone, the way I do. [she refers to me doing ushering, dancing and theatre stuff.] I get really embarrassed hearing her say that, because to me, those things are not out of my comfort zone anymore. I've already settled into a new comfort zone here, and I don't deserve her admiration, since things are getting routine and easy for me, not particularly exciting anymore. Which is why maybe I'll want to go somewhere else for a semester exchange, to step out and start afresh. Maybe Japan? I don't know...I suddenly feel this sense of contentment with my uiuc life. So contented that if someone tells me that I can get my degree now, and I can leave uiuc now, I think I will. There's nothing keeping me here anymore. | |