| 0930h
Mood: rejuvenated Happiness event of the day: I'm home! Event of the week: Attending a Destiny's Child concert this coming Sunday. Muahahahahahahahhaha I'm back!
As one should be able to tell so very easily, I'm in such a wonderful mood right now. Of course, the trip to Big Bend was wonderful. My spring break was wonderful. Coming home was wonderful. Having homework to do is not that great. Disgusting dirty laundry is not that great. But whatever, I'm determined to keep my good mood for as long as possible. Aaaaahhh....bliss....the afterglow of a vacation...
After much deliberate sun bathing, I also managed to acquire a small tan. Which is really nice, considering I've been so pasty white for the entire winter. I come back with a much clearer mind as well. Remember I was in a rut before I left? I'm out of it now. Completely. I had to get out of this place. To look at myself in a totally different light, to realise how silly I've been. As usual.
One part of the backpacking trip, we hiked all the way up to the highest peak of the park. It was a rather narrow rocky peak, and we had to climb a rock wall to get up. My right ankle was already hurting, partly due to an old injury and partly due to some misplaced steps during the hike. But I really wanted to get up there, so I just climbed. I'm glad I didn't look back, because after the climb, I started to wonder, what would have happened to me, if I hurt my ankle really so badly on the climb up, that I can't climb down? Well......
But the view from the top was beautiful. The weather was great, the sky was blue, some fluffy white clouds. The valley, the canyon, rocks, landscape, greenery, river, village, everything was beneath me. On one hand, I felt so small, as compared to nature, to the world. On the other hand, I felt so big, to be able to make it all the way up there. I believed in myself, so I made it. In some ways, I'm helpless, simply because the mysterious forces of the universe are so much more powerful than what anyone can imagine. But in some other things, I am still in control. If I want to overcome my pain, I can. If I want to let myself drop, I can too. It turns out, I was sad only because I let myself be. Now, I know I deserve better.
This trip was really out of the world for me. I've not pushed myself physically this way since my last race for my RGS house, which was 5 years ago. I've also not isolated myself this way for a long long time. I commented once that I was unusually anti-social on this trip, and Li pointed out that actually I've always been anti-social. In a sense, she's right. I've never been a social animal, and I'm more private than people imagine me to be. This time, I didn't even pretend to be sociable. It turns out, it's actually quite easy to walk away from the crowd. I really enjoyed the peace. One part of the trip, most people left the campsite, except the leader and a few other guys. I had my best moment there. I stared at the starry sky [really, the stars were beautiful] and I started to talk to myself. Quietly, of course, since while the guys can't see me, they can probably hear me.
I opened my heart....to myself, so it's not entirely out of character. I decided to be totally honest when I talked to msyelf, so I saw how pathetic I really was, so I started crying. Then I saw how at the same time, I was being ridiculous, and suddenly, I felt so much better. Somebody out there should know what I'm saying here. The starry night, the silent environment, the slight breeze and the prickly cactus by my side, they were all part of the moment for me. The moment of finally clearing out all the dust in my system.
Really, I gained so much from this trip. It doesn't compare to my last Springbreak Minneapolis trip, because that trip gave me emotional and intellectual stimulation. This trip gave me another kind of insight, I saw, and I felt deep into myself. I know myself again. Priceless.
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