| 0245h (210201)
Mood: resisting the temptation of the bed Happiness of the day: My dance instructor remembers my name! Event of the week: pol sci exam in less than 7 hours' time. I have so much so much to study, for my political science exam tomorrow morning. Times like this, I wish I had been doing my readings consistently, rather than just smoking out in class. But unfortunately, judgment day has come and I'm so not prepared. OK, it's an exageration, the first exam isn't quite judgment day, since it really takes up only 15% of my final grade. But I really like this class, and I want to do well in it. God knows why I just didn't do the readings.
But I really can't concentrate. I cried a lot today. Once for making Li angry, once when I read agnes' letter to me, once when I heard this song I've not played for a long time - a song that I used to listen to a lot when I was still in hwachong, still in huang cheng. There just seems to be so much emotion floating around today. Coincidentally, there's this guy who reads my journal, and we've been corresponding on email. Just found out today that he looks somewhat like my ex, and he studies medicine too. My goodness, just when I thought I was getting over the whole thinking-about-my-ex episode too.
Everyone in the house is asleep now, except for me. Sometimes, I work really well late at night, because there's no one talking to me, and I can concentrate better. But tonight, this is working against me. My mind is wandering so badly tonight, thinking about my past. I thought about my past 1.5 years here at uiuc, about my 2 years in hwachong, my 4 years in rgs. I thought of the people I loved so much, people I still love so much, and the people who loved me. I remember telling a friend once, about how she has to look forward into the future, and just remember the happy moments of the past. This is what I have done for myself. I try to look forward all the time, and I take special efforts to try and remember every single happy moment in my life. And somehow, today's the day when they all come back to me. And ironically, they're making me sad.
I remember the times when kakatan and I pretended to pay attention in class, but were actually reading calvin and hobbes comics under the desk. I remember passing notes around during class, talking about mushrooms, about japanese guys, about who's the smartest of all. I remember writing to adoree on ugly foolscap paper, and getting nice hand-decorated letters back from her. I remember the rgs canteen, the sushi place at wisma, the macdonald's at far east....places where conversation was crappy, but company was precious.
I remember studying for my A levels in the 4th level classroom in hwachong, looking at the sunset. I remember the last row of the LT3 where my friends and I sat together and took naps together during chemistry lectures. I remember standing on the stage, with my friends, making the final bow. I remember facing the sea looking at the night lights from sentosa, talking to a senior I no longer talk to now. I remember writing love letters to my then-boyfriend while pretending to pay attention in class.
I remember the times in NUS when ws waited for me outside the lab, and my thai lab partner winks at me knowingly. I remember the time when he gave me the letter and I literally ran away in panic. I remember the time when he chased after me at Bukit Timah after I scolded him a frog. I remember the many times he sent me home, walking along that creepy path across the field. I remember the way we took long bus rides home, just so we can spend more time together.
So many so many memories, that seem so far away, and yet feel so close. And they chose today to haunt me. I don't know why. Maybe it's my self-sabo mechanism at work, trying to distract myself from my work. But whatever reasons for this sense of nostalgia today, I feel rather sad. Sad that those days have passed. Sad that I cannot be sure if the people who share the piece of memory with me actually still remember me.
I thought self-pitying feelings like this should only come during my 21st birthday. This is half a year too early and it's going to make me fail my exam tomorrow. Sigh. I think I should go take a hot hot shower, to clear my mind a little. This is not the right time to think or feel so much.
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