| 1435h
Mood: a little tired Happiness of the day: Simple lunch - porridge with some meat floss that my mom bought for me. Event of the week: midterm week! but i don't care...muahaha... I can't believe 3 days after vday, I'm still talking about it. There's just something about vday that captivates me, though I know it's really a commercially exploitative occassion.
I only spent 1 romantic vday with my ex, despite being with him for almost 2 years. Which I guess isn't really a big deal, since he's nice to me almost all the time anyway, vday or not, I was happy. Last year's vday, I was a depressed wreck, for falling for someone who didn't like me back. For being betrayed by myself and that someone else. This year, I was pretty much fine. I was grouchy only because I didn't get enough sleep and I was sort of overwhelmed by my exams and my homework. Too busy to stop and literally smell the roses. But I know my ex is depressed, and he's making me feel quite sad. He asked if loneliness strikes in bouts, and I didn't know what to say, because typically I would say loneliness exists all the time. But I think that wasn't the answer he was looking for. I think he wanted me to tell him that everything would be ok, and it's a wonderful world. But I couldn't say it, I just couldn't.
I felt so deeply for him, because knowing him the way I do, knowing that he is such an emotional person, I know it's really tough on him to be studying overseas, away from his family, from all his friends, away from everyone that he's really attached to. The last time he was upset was when he attended the autopsy of this 12 year old girl who died of severe burns. He imagines the life of this 12 year old girl being cut short, he imagines the pain she went through. I think he's having a hard time studying medicine because he is simply unable to see just bodies, but he sees lives. He goes into the villages as part of his training providing some basic health care, and he feels depressed seeing the pathetic state of the village. He is just such a feeling person, I know he'll be such a caring doctor. But right now, only in the process of getting his degree, I can imagine his pain just being the witness to all this suffering around him.
And he has to take all of this pain in, because he's too far away from home to talk to anyone about it. This vday, he told me that he was just roaming the streets, because he couldn't feel love. The analogy is probably weird, but what he said reminded me of what the girl said in The Fifth Element, about how this world is full of ugly things like war, death, starvation, and she didn't know or understand what's so good about this world because she doesn't know love. And now we tells me that he doesn't feel love. My god, I felt so sad for him. But what can I do? I cannot ask him to stop feeling for people the way he does, I cannot ask him to just accept it that life is full of suffering. Because the day he becomes such a pessimistic person, the way I am now, he will cease to exist as the person I used to know.
I don't know why, but I always felt this strange connection to him. I understand why he feels a certain way, somehow a lot easier than understanding other people. I want to help him, but he's out of reach for me. He has a capacity much greater than mine, and I think it really overwhelms me. I am standing at the sidelines, trying to cheer him on, and I see him getting weaker and weaker, but I can't help him anymore.
Just talking about it is making feel a little sad. But I'm not depressed....I'm just wondering about what things would have been like if we didn't break up. Would he have gone overseas to study medicine? Would we be talking the way we are right now? Would he be feeling so depressed? I really wonder....he has changed, I have changed. Hard to imagine, just 3 years ago, we were just walking down the streets, him holding me, me holding the tulips that he bought. Us, without a single care in the world - not gonna happen anymore. We've both become jaded. Sigh.
| |