| 1635hr
Mood: actually pretty good considering the fact I'm extremely unprepared for my exams tomorrow. Fact of the day: O'Hare Airport is huge! event of the week dreaded computer science exams this wednesday.
I went to Chicago yesterday, to pick up PoChin, because her finals end one week earlier than me and she'll be staying with me for some time into summer. Everyone thought I was nuts to go all the way there (Chicago is 136 miles away, 3/4 hours busride) just to pick up a friend, especially when this is my finals week and I have 2 exams tomorrow. But what the heck, I thought, it's a very simple thing: take the bus up, can study on the bus, pick her up, then take the bus back again. After we reach champaign, it'll be about 10pm+, I can still study a little. It's not supposed to be that bad.
In the end, we reached home at 3am+, drenched, wet, cold, dirty and very tired. It was a horrible horrible trip.
PoChin says that she'll write a guest entry for me, so I think I'll let her tell the whole unlucky story. But basic idea is that I didn't manage to find her at the airport, we missed the bus that we were supposed to take, we walked through Chicago streets in a thunderstorm and she even lost her luggage. Sigh. A simple trip indeed.
So right now, I'm feeling still a little drained from running around the airport looking for her yesterday. [Imagine Cindy running to all the 4 different terminals in the airport, as in literally running. Times like this, I realise humans really cannot run as fast as their minds can think. Or rather, panic.] I'm feeling a flu coming up, both because I was already sick before she came and because of the thunderstorm thing. My body is all aching and that's basically a bad sign.
But I will not regret going to Chicago to pick her up. I'm feeling all tired and everything, but I still think it's worth it. She's such a good friend I wouldn't feel comfortable letting her come back on her own, especially since when I went to Duke, she went to pick me up too. I can't really study very well right now, partly because of the fatigue, partly because I keep on wanting to bring her around, and mostly because I don't feel stressed up when she's around and no stress means no productivity. Heh.
I'm so happy she's here! Now I know why she's my good friend - I really feel so comfortable and so secure with her around. Even though everything was all screwed up yesterday, once I found her and we had each other, I just felt that nothing can be that bad anymore. Have to walk in the rain? Take a 3 hour bus ride in wet and dirty clothes? It all didn't seem as bad when she's around. It's really a sense of security. We've been through so much shit together, especially from our trip to Canada, we know we can handle everything else together.
I received a letter from Agnes today too, and that made me very happy. What she wrote is basically a little out-of-date, since she's already told me all that over email, but I really felt so happy just reading her handwriting. I so intensely miss her, and my other hwachong friends. She says that she's studying with our friends, even though they're all in different courses, and it just made me feel this tinge of jealousy, because I want to be there too! I want to study with them, just like before too! Sigh....
My brother wrote me an email yesterday, and he mentioned something about not being unhappy, but not being happy either. [He's studying in Japan on scholarship as well.] And I really feel like I can identify with it. I'm not unhappy here, but I should be feeling so much happier than I actually am. This is what I've always wanted - away from home, independence, see the world kinda thing. But somehow, I've lost the ability to be ecstatic. I suddenly feel like I've aged and become too wary for my age. It's almost like I cannot allow myself to be happy. And I never understood why and it's only after PoChin came that I realised why - I miss the sense of security. I will feel secure only when I'm surrounded by the people I love and uiuc simply isn't the place, since the people I really want to be with are mostly in Singapore. So until I feel safe, I just cannot allow myself to become too happy. It's almost like I've put a curse on myself, that once I become too happy, something is bound to go wrong and there won't be anyone here to support me. That's not true of course, I'm just being paranoid.
Anyway I've digressed. Actually all I wanted to say is how unlucky yesterday was for me. But actually, come to think of it, I think I was lucky yesterday. Po Chin came to me. She's sleeping in my room right now and man, I feel so happy.
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