| 1040hr
Mood: tired Fact of the day: event of the week Opening night for the opera is Friday 7 April.
Li has been complaining that I'm too busy. What she means of of course that I'm too busy to spend time with her.
I've been busy with rehearsals for the past few days and times when I'm not actually at rehearsals, I'm busy trying to finish my homework. Needless to say, my social life suffered again. During the day, I see a few of my friends for class, before I have to rush back to do my homework. Because calltime for rehearsals is usually at 6pm, I have my dinner real early at about 5pm, so I eat alone. Then after rehearsals, I go straight home to sleep. Really, this totally reminds me of the times in Huang Cheng - a time when my then-boyfriend complained a lot about missing me too.
Anyway, so talking about Li, I used to spend a lot of time with her and this week, since I'm so busy, I've not seen her for a long time. So yesterday, she asked me to meet her after my rehearsals to study together. After some time, she wanted to go back to her room, but I didn't want to, cos I knew that I'm already on the verge of collapsing from fatigue. But since she insisted, and I felt this strong sense of guilt for neglecting her, I went. And then I fell asleep in her bed. Haha..
Anyway, she told me that she missed me a lot, and that she doesn't like me being so busy that she cannot find me. I felt so bad about it, I kept on apologising and all, but it still doesn't change the fact that I won't be able to spend time with her for the next few days either. Though on one hand, I feel so guilty for not making a more conscious effort of checking how she is everyday, on the other hand, I felt glad that at least she missed me. I felt like I was needed.
It totally reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. When he complains that I neglect him, on one hand I feel guilty, but on the other hand, I'm glad that at least I invoked some sense of loss in him when I'm not around. When he is jealous of the time I spend with a few other guys, on one hand, I'm angry that he doesn't trust me, but on the other hand, I'm glad that he actually is jealous.
I realise though I seem so cold sometimes, that I don't actually need anyone, deep down inside, I guess I need just as much assurance as anyone else. I want to feel needed and loved, just like Li, just like my ex. Sigh....
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